Wife and her boss...maybe...

Have found a few lies and some head scratching behavior that I am trying to nail down so I can make a decision
as far as I know it all started back in April, 2023:
Caught her in a lie to me about her location and who she was talking to. It was the day after my uncle passed away and when I talked to her something felt off, so I looked at our family sharing location for iPhone. She was not where she said she was and even after she got home until she went to bed she did not say any different, I asked a few questions but did not let on like I knew, she swore on our kids lives that she was not lying. I finally told her that I had proof and showed her, then she said she was just not telling me because I would be mad. She said she was talking to my sister inlaw (now divorced from my brother because he cheated on her). I asked her if there was anything else, she immediately says she is not cheating and I said fine, anything else, she says no.
Then the next morning she is in my office and crying and apologizing I ask her again she says no, then she finally says well I did get into a text flame war with your dad a few months ago and never told you…
Then after some MC sessions in Oct, 2023:
We had went to 3 MC sessions, did not find they helped. I had said a lot of extremely personal things in these sessions and I specifically asked her not to tell anyone about them, then I hear her telling one of her friends on the phone all about the sessions and how its actually just about me and my family issues, nothing to do with her. I approach her and ask her if she told anyone a few days later, she lies and says no, I tell her I heard her and she says sorry.
Then in Nov, 2023:
I had heard her again telling friends about our relationship and specifically things I had asked her not to say that I had trusted her with. She did it again and lied to me once again saying she swears on her dead grandparents, etc. I tell her I am done, she asks that I stay for the party and not to make a scene. I do and then she just pretends like nothing happened. This goes on over Christmas, new years and into January 2024.
Jan, 2024:
Based on all the lies, I put a VAR in her office, which is also our master bedroom,as I suspect something with her and her boss. This evening we are sitting on the couch in living room, watching TV, when her and her boss are playing phone tag for 30 minutes, and she leaves the living room downstairs to go up to bedroom at 7pm, to talk to him on the phone. The snippets of the conversation I hear are not that of a typical boss/employee. He is going to buy his own ticket and they are talking of meeting up after… etc, nothing sexual or totally incriminating, but I can only hear her side of convo.
I play this over for a day and then confront her. She flips out, says she cant believe I recorded her and its not what it sounds like, and I am the one with the problem not her. She grabs and smashes my keyboard and mouse on desk, then rips one of my monitors off the desk mount and throws it on the ground while screaming at me.
She says her boss is gay and there is no way. Then she phones a co-worker and says my husband thinks I am cheating with boss, and the co-worker also says no way.
She gets in vehicle says she is leaving, calls her family to tell them that we are getting a divorce because I did this, no info on what she did.
I call her after a couple hours, tell her to come back and that I want to make it work...
June, 2024:
she goes on one of her 3 national meetings per year, out of province, where the boss will be as well. I ask her to tell me if there are any texts or inappropriate behaviors.
She gets back from meeting and says no contact with boss over text that we had agreed on. I look at cell bill and there is more than 1. I stew for a couple days, she knows something is wrong, then we get into a fight I ask her again if any contact, she says no, I say I know there was a text, she flips out and says it was 1 text and it was to the group for a welcome package, says she cant live like this walking on eggshells and should not have to tell me who she is talking to or anything else.
Called me jealous, insecure, other names
Then followed me upstairs to continue berating me until I was apologizing…
I tell her we made an agreement and if she feels like she cant tell me that means it is not appropriate, she loses it, rips our wedding sign above bed down and breaks it by stomping it to pieces.
Somehow it ends up I am the one in the wrong and she will now not tell me when they communicate…unless it is inappropriate.
Then she said she is not going to tell me anymore and I should stop asking, even when my body is shouting at me that something is wrong.
July, 2024:
Notice her flip from a screen with purple text on it very fast when I walk up behind her. Look later and see this is IG vanish mode. A couple days later on the weekend we are outside and she leaves her phone on picnic table, I take 2 minutes to look and there is a IG vanish mode chat with boss at top of list, saw that he even sent a pic with their coworker to her in the chat, but not in vanish mode. Looked again a few days later and there is nothing in the chat history, but it is at the top of the message heap.
I have not mentioned anything as I have no proof and every time I tell her she just continues but goes deeper to hide it.

I need a way to get some actual proof of this as it is driving me crazy and I want to make the right decision for my 2 children as well.

Currently the waters are calm and she has her phone on silent and always placed face down.

66 comments posted: Saturday, August 3rd, 2024