Online infidelity

Hi, sadly brand new here.

Just found out a 5 days ago my husband/partner(32) for 14 years (married 2) was having an online affair with a 23 year old ex-cam girl from a Latin American country.

I told him to move forward he needed to break it off and he technically did but I keep finding him lying about small details. I also know because I sleuthed and (not my proudest moment) found all the hidden pictures and videos and screen shots on his phone and deleted them, as well as found access to the chat app he used and read messages/looked at private videos and pictures. We told each other we would be completely honest but I know information he doesn't know I know and I don't know when or if I should be fully honest and tell him what I've seen.

He has reiterated that he never wanted to hurt me or for me to find out, which is why he gaslit and lied to me for 8 months. But says he ultimately came clean because he knew I knew something and he could see it deeply hurting me.

One positive is they never met in person as she can't get into the country and his passport was expired up until recently so I know he didn't meet her anywhere. So they never were physically together but emotionally together in all ways.

Finding more details about the affair makes me sick to my stomach but I also need to know the extent for my own piece of mind and self. For instance, he told me he "married" her online in a ceremony where they exchanged vows under god. Granted this was after a concussion but he realized it happened after and didn't know how to turn back because they were obsessed with each other. She was brand
new to camgirl stuff when they met, had been legitimately doing it for a week. She stopped camming after 2 months for him. I know he spent around $1500 total, but she apparently never asked him for more. I genuinely think he made this girl fall in love With him. And I know him and he's a hopeless romantic and believe he fell in love with her. He broke up with her 46 times throughout the situation due to guilt & to try and work on us because I would start giving him the things he needed.

She keeps emailing him and reaching out and he shows me everything when he opens it (or so I thought). And I guide him to not respond and let the addiction die. He has been coorperate and lets me know how much easier this addiction is to manage when i'm with him. I know he is in denial and ashamed, which is why he gives these half truths. I know he feels really dumb that he gaslit himself for 8 months and let his insane need for love/attention/validation spiral into an addiction that could destroy our lives.

I'm gutted because I have loved this man since I was 17 years old and have never been unfaithful, once. I do admit there were times when life and stress would get the best of me and I probably wasn't the best girlfriend or wife intimately. But he still somewhat blames me for the affair. I did and do have a lot of self-healing to do. But he also made this decision and kept it up for so long with no intention of telling me. I'm gutting because he doesn't feel like this was "real" cheating and if I'm going to punish him for it I either have to go back 14 years and treat him better & do more or he should go meet her and "finish the deed". He is so angry. But I do believe he had told me all the big, hard stuff. It's the small details that he thinks I will obsess over that he's ashamed of, singing to her like he does me. But I know he did.

He has been trying alot more to answer my questions and express himself and be open but I need constant reassurance and validation from him. I'm just terrified he will give up on me again like the first time and stop putting in effort.

I keep catching him trying to "spare" my feelings with half truths. Like I asked if he ever shared love songs I dedicated to him, he said no but I know for a fact he did. But I can't bring myself to tell him how much I know. Plus we are trying to be as honest with our emotions and he tells me how much he struggles with still wanted to meet up with her in Mexico. I can't decide if I'm torturing myself or it if makes me feel better to know. I just wished he'd fully come clean and lay EVERYTHING on the table.

Also, this whole thing started as him going on a cam site and finding someone that somewhat looked like me and seeing if he could charm her because he felt he needed to prove he still had it. Like I know she was always on outlet for him to fantasize about the things he wanted in our relationship and she was a surrogate for me but it's painful because like...I was here the whole time. We had times over these last 6 months after I got a handle of my job where we were great. We were finally working on us and our relationship in all the romantic and intimate ways he had been begging for and it feels like the biggest betrayal that this was going on in the background. And it feels like a massive betrayal that this was only happening because I trusted him and that all my internal warning signs I've been having since October were right but I trusted him when he told there was nothing to worry about.

All of this is crazy but I do feel we were always meant to be together. And we are currently pregnant (found out literally 2 days after finding everything else out). We have been so happy together moving forward but I find myself severely depressed, untrusting, and anxious when we are apart. But also he is the love of my life and I know he's a severely hurting husband who felt out of control in his life and needed to prove something to himself/ feel the love&lust he thinks he deserves.

I'm so lost and constantly confused and I have no one I can/want to talk to about this. The peanut gallery will just judge. I just want things to go back to before the hurt with all the closeness we have when we are together now.

I feel dumb.

12 comments posted: Friday, June 21st, 2024