Went To A Wedding With My WW
Went to a wedding with WW last night, because why wouldn't a night full of triggers and an open bar be a bad idea?
Well, I actually had a great time for the most part.
The ceremony was outdoors and it was sunny, so thank God I was able to wear sunglasses. The ceremony was fucking hard. Every mention of commitment and faithfulness was like a knife twisting in my back. But WW was there for it, and despite the pain she's caused me, it was comforting.
After the ceremony, we were able to step away from everyone to talk. She told me the ceremony was hard for her too. That she was sorry for everything, for hurting me, and for breaking her vows. We cried a bit before making our way to the cocktail hour.
We didn't know anybody at this wedding other than the bride and groom, which normally makes weddings pretty lame, but it was great for this one. We were able to sit in a corner and actually be present with each other. We danced and had fun. It was everything I could have wanted. I was able to keep my shit together and focus on the good night. They didn't play our song, and that's probably a good thing, but I would have liked to hear it.
The ride home was a little rough. That's when all the thoughts started flooding my brain. Feeling the pain again. Wondering if all this was real. If we're capable of having such a good time in the wake of the devastation, where the fuck did we go wrong. It's a weird feeling, being the BS, and feeling guilty for trying to have a good time. It's not that I don't want to have fun, it's just hard. And part of me feels like it's counterproductive, being happy while I'm still broken inside. That WW needs to see me suffer to remember what she did. But I know that's no way to live my life. I need to live for me.
Reconciliation is still going well. We talk better than ever before. I still have sleepless nights and tons of flashbacks and rumination. There are times where I question myself. But I'm hopeful.
6 comments posted: Monday, June 10th, 2024
