Infidelity and way forward

I would like to have some advice on how to proceed further in the following situation.
I am married since 1991 to my high school sweetheart and at the beginning of this year I accidentally discovered that he has been cheating on me. He left his secret email open on his tablet and I read all the messages. I found out that he cheated on me while on business trips 3 times, at least. Once in 2009 and two times in 2016. Then starting with 2018 he started a relationship with his co-worker. At that time I was still working at the same company with them and I noticed that something was not right in out relationship but continued to hope all will be better. They were on and off for 3 more years. They ended their relationship in 2021. He told me it was a toxic relationship and he needed to end it. Since 2021 they were just closed friends and colleagues. I saw his exchanged messages after the intimate relationship ended and my conclusion was that they were involved emotionally. At the same time in 2018 my husband went on a dating site and looked for casual relationships. He found one married lady and they met once at the hotel. But they stayed closed after that, via email. However they ended up the email exchange and all they had.
When I found out, I confronted him and at the beginning he denied but then I told him I saw his opened email and read everything. Then he told me everything, showed remorse and wanted to forgive him and try to start over our relationship. He offered to share his location with me. Sleep every night with me. And he told me he feels lighter now since he carried with him all these years the guilt.
All these years there was a wall between us and I did not know why. Now I know. I still have feelings for him. I never cheated on him. Always hoped he would come back to his senses.
I want to forget and forgive him but it is hard for me as he is still working with his ex-coworker mistress in the same project and they have the same manager. Since I found out the truth, he told me that he did not get in touch with her on private level, only on the professional level. I am afraid she does not know why he suddenly ended his messages as a friend and will eventually seek answers from him. He keeps telling me that he cannot be with her anymore after their toxic relationship. He tried to find a job inside in another department without luck. Also his manager does not want to let him go as the politic of the company is to stay in the same project for at least 18 months. Still 10 months to go. He also applied outside but no luck either.
I am feeling bad when I know that they see each other everyday and have meetings and talk professionally.
And at the same time I am trying to recover from what I found out back in January. I want to give another chance to my relationship but I am suffering a lot. Cannot sleep properly as I envision all that and it is hard to go back to normality. And because of that we argue a lot. Even thinking and nearly taking about divorce to stop my emotional suffering and all the arguments.

I cannot trust him 100% anymore. I am afraid he will start another relationship when he feels low. Also he keeps telling me that he learned his lesson involving himself with co-workers now but should I believe him?

Any advice would be very much appreciated.
Thanks.

4 comments posted: Thursday, April 18th, 2024