Depressed because of my past

My husband suggested I post here. I am afraid to but I am also desperate. I lied to my husband for 10 years and just told him about it last year, via freudian slip. I was fingered by coworkers and a customer. Now he believes there was PIV because I was carrying around condoms "in case" but I never used them. I have passed a polygraph but it doesn’t matter. It is very hard to talk about. I am afraid I will leave something important out and he will come at me upset, understandably so. I am losing hope. We have seen marriage counselors to no avail and just got a specialist. I am praying she is more helpful. I am scared because she wants to latch onto my past alcohol use for reasons of memory lapse and I think that pisses him off. I don’t blame him. I don’t know what to do. I keep getting upset and making it about me. I feel so lost. I am so sick and tired of being judged. I like to think I’ve turned my life around but the truth is I’ve been deceptive recently without even realizing it. It seems to be such a badly ingrained habit. For example, when I switched purses I put the condoms back in the nightstand but forgot I had done that. I’m beginning to doubt myself after a year of being questioned but I know in my heart what I know to be true and I’m not willing to make something up to make it all go away. I know I must sound crazy, I’m at my wits’ end. I can’t stop crying. If people are unkind, I am afraid I will break.

90 comments posted: Thursday, March 27th, 2025