Answers after 18 years.

So long story short, I was extremely angry person not physically abusive just verbally.

Wife began an affair with her manager at work. She denied it then I found her secret email by putting a keylogger on her computer and she eventually admitted to an emotional affair with her manager. But nothing happened... blah blah he wasn't even aware... blah blah blah. Begged me not to contact his wife he was innocent.

Turned out to be more which she denied anything happened for 18 years.

Long version

I have been going back and forth the last events in my head. I recognized her affair was happening/starting/just forming pretty close to when it it did start. My wife assured me nothing was going on she had no boyfriend was not having an affair.

I was in Iraq when I asked her about it and she denied. She actually confided that she was unhappy with me and wanted changes when I got back and I did realize she was right we made plans for change. Then I found her lies when I got back and it pushed me into further anger depression and recklessness.

Well after 12 or so years I can say I pushed it down and suppressed it. MC told us we were not to talk about the affair or my anger problems.

I self corrected most of my anger issues. And never once mentioned her affair to her. Although she was quick to point out my anger issues. I guess the MC figured it would all get blown over. I spent 5 years living with a women I hated. And learning to control my temper and actually understanding I was choosing to become angry.

My WW for her part did her best during that time. And eventually another 4 years of reconnecting with each other I did fall in love again with her.

I don't know how to explain, how when, or why. But I can tell you I began to fall into depression even though I didn't know it. I just noticed little things my wife was doing, I felt the need to spy on her again. It was never anything. But I would catch her in lies that were not even affair related. Just kept happening lies about trivial things I realized from the beginning of MC she would outright lie to me. I even asked her why she is lying I know (this small thing) is a lie. She just yell "you never believe anything I say"

A huge trigger I had and was not conscious of it even happening began a while ago. I was reading a story my wife was reading as she sat next to me on her phone. I'm sitting there realizing this is a really steamy read. I noted the title looked it up and finished reading it. It was a good read and I get why women are in to "romance novels"

I was having a hard time with and didn't know why. The premise of the story is, the wife ends up being seduced by her husband's boss, the husband is degraded and shamed for being worthless and the wife begins a happy affair with the boss. And she realized how worthless her husband really was.

It honestly took months for that hit me, I looked up her library on these story apps she had. Easily 1/4 of the storys fit this same dynamic. Multiple things happened during this time. I dug into her Google account. I found one time in her google account for MatchDOTcom I panicked and it drove that mental hysteria up 10 notches, I began logging all her calls and numbers she texted. Searching those numbers and writing them down. During my initial cancer diagnosis I was told,it looked like I had been exposed to hepititus B.

I confronted my wife at this point I calmed myself before and began to get a little hysterical when talking to her. She had no idea she promised and swore she had been good. She got screened that week also. I realize that Hep B can be contacted other ways. I had been vaccinated in the military also. And my immune system at this point was really weak.

A year and half goes by I have been in full on inspector mode analyzing her Google maps locations the car tracker locations. Searching for secret accounts, placing recording devices in her car and in her bag.

Nothing, I mean nothing not even an unkind word.

I broke down and wrote our history out, my wife's affair, her lies to me about it, her lies about non affair related lies and how told her I don't trust her anymore. I told her it hurt that I had to ask her to come to my cancer treatments I felt like she didn't care. She got mad about that, honestly the first 3 treatments I was alone, and you don't realize how much that matters till you see other people being supported. I joking told her I needed her to go so I could use the carpool lane.

She assured me she hasn't been involved with anyone since her AP years ago, she assured me she did not get physical with him. I asked if she used protection before I got that response. She was in my assumption with him for 3ish hours after work.

She straight up went into, I don't know what you are talking about... I never stayed late after work...

But I spent almost 2 hours looking for her that night she wasn't at work and I drove around the town area and never saw her car. I caught them at work once, him holding her hand and arm caressing her and softly flirting with each other.

And I got the same I don't remember that you might be miss remembering something else...

My spidey sense had just calmed down, when she told me that it instantly spiked.

I spent a few weeks crying on the internet to strangers found this site and never posted.

Go through her phone and socials she deleted her Snapchat and I have it logged in on my phone in case.

A few weeks after I'm going through her phone. I discovered another lie she had omited and covered up. It wasn't even affair related. I'm broken mentally, I filled out the divorce papers the next day. I'm just tired of being lied to. I snapped told her I was going to divorce her.

The next day I told her I did when she asked why I needed info from her.

"Not Just Friends" I had listened to it and it helped me realize a few things. I had been seriously depressed the last few years. I'm a touch over 40

1: I have constant acne on nose and forehead that wont go away for the last year no matter what i do,

2:I have a minor heart condition they found in my multiple scans and it's getting larger they told me it was stress.

3: I realized I was having more suicididal thoughts than I should.

4: I'm lay awake at night not able to sleep.

Well she actually listened to "Not Just Friends" she broke down crying said she didn't realize how much I had been affected. She broke down admitted she had been waiting in the far end of the parking lot that night for him. It was suppose to be their first time, he never showed up. She saw me driving around looking for her.

She answered all my questions, their flirting, groping each other at work, and their kiss. What they planned to do to each other that night. He told her when she saw him at work "I don't know what you expect from me but I'm not leaving my wife for you" she told him she didn't expect him to.

He tried to get her to meet up one more time and she said no and stopped the affair and requested to move departments.

It hurt but the relief I felt cannot be explained. I still feel hurt, but it's almost like I had been denied relief for all these years.

I still have the paper work. For the first time I feel like she is being honest with me. She promised me there hasn't been any other affairs.

I spent a week trying to contact him, I'm not mad, not seeking vengeance not gonna tell his family. I cannot find this guy anywhere. I mean the last presence on the internet was from over a decade ago no mention about him from his family public posts. Nothing, I felt a bit cheated I wanted to get something confirming her story. I figured he might want to go over board with the Bravado and was ready for that. But the other part of me figured he had the opportunity to be honest he might just do that.

Yah I found out why I cannot find him. He was arrested at work. He had been molesting a young girl from age 7-15. This is the same time period my wife was involved with him. I feel disgusted and angry. Had I not listened to myself and smashed his face in I could have got my anger placed in the right place for multiple reasons even if unknown. Yah I would have been arrested but his wife would of found out. I also regret not telling her to this day. She could have had the chance to to seperate herself from him earlier.

Anyway that the story of the angry idiot who loved, hated, became agreeable with, and loved his wife to a near divorce. (Maybe either way still)

P.S.

We went last year to her (informal adopted parents) best friends parents 50th anniversary.

The husband told me when he meet me that he didn't think too much of me and wouldn't amount to much also he figured I would bounce on my wife. I didn't have the heart to tell him I should have.

If anyone can learn from this I hope it helps.

Don't stay to stay.

Don't stay if your WS is lying.

Don't keep kicking the can down the road either.

I wish I had found this place and others sooner. Although I'm not sure if they existed in the mid 2000s, I never thought to look.

The few friends I informed, just told me there was no way my wonderful wife was cheating on me.

Currently

Looking for IC, Wife is also and MC, I told my wife I had been thinking of ending my life way more than I should. I think she got cold, thinking I was trying to guilt trip her. I learned something else, and I told my wife ,I told her because she is suppose to always be the one person I can tell these things to. And she can never know how much burden she lifted by being honest with me finally.

24 comments posted: Friday, April 26th, 2024