It happened and im lost
Im sorry if i make any mistake since english is not my first language, and ill try not writing a giant text but a background is needed. My wife (28y) and i (27) are together for five years, 2 of which is a marriage, no Kids .
Before i talk about The cheating i need to give a bit of background. When i met her, she was already out of The jeovah witness congregation for almost 3 years (she spent 13 years inside), and she left because she wanted a sexual relationship with a persona before marriage (understandable, shes a human with needs BUT is prohibited in The religion). This triggered a painful separation which caused a even more painful separation from her sisters. They coulndt interact, talk and be like it was.
She always had some down moments because of this, and she explained to me very early when we met what happened and such. I always tried to cheer and give a shoulder to cry since despiste not liking The situation (The rules from The religion) i have support.
Now, 1 month ago we started some attrition and discussion on The marriage because she wants to go back to The to the congregation. I didnt want this set of rules for my marriage, but we started to talk about, how she woukd be closer to her sisters (and i know despite being a husband ill never be able to substitute them, and i never tried). And them it happens. Maybe moved by guilt and remorse, and by her own words "i cant convive with myself if i dont tell you this because you deserve the truth from me".
2 days ago She told me she had sex with a person she met 1 month before marriage, and regreted deeply but coulndt bring this to me at the time. Im still lost and broken. The person that i loved and cared, the person that i never doubted was able to do this to me. I never gave her doubts of my trust , but she did this, and i dont know what i feel.im a most rational person, and even them i cried so much.
After she confessed i went to sleep on my Mother, and she went to a Sister. I told one very close friend and my Mother, since i dont know what to do yet and needed advice. She told her Sister (the Sister from the congregation, her twin that was separated for years after she left. My first initial thought was to D, since i always had some limits on cheating but i feel like a marriage change a person, i still Love her very much, shes the Love of my life and i feel that the 2 years of marriage were genuine, that she tried really Hard despite doing this.
On that night i cried a lot, like i never cried, like i said im a pretty rational and not very emotional person, but it hit me like a truck. I also read a lot, and i discovered this amazing community. Is very Hard for me to type this, but im kinda lost and still broken
I agree to have a talk to her, since i feel that she needs to know what i feel and what she caused in me. Im the morning we met at out apartment (rent). I talked for hours, i said to her that that what um feeling is the physical pain equivalent of being stabbed on the Back right in the heart. She keeps saying shes deeply sorry, she regrets what she did and the pain she caused to me.
And like i said, i change too through the years. I dont know yet if in the future ill want R or D, but know im in a process of understanding and acceptance, which im suffering and see if i can one day forgive her. I say that i Love her but i dont know if is the image of the person that i think she was, or the person she tried to be om marriage.
In this talk i tried to use some stuff i read here, and i already demanded 3 i wants, one being the whole truth, the other a STI test and the third IC for her and for me. She accepted all without resistance
Yesterday during the talk she answered every question i asked, even some harsh truths. I dont know if she tried to tricke truth at some point but after saying that was 1 time she admitted that it was 2 times on a week, but she regretted and cut all contact with him since Then. I can feel that her words were genuine, like some of posts said that only the other part Will know if is True or not. Some questions i repeated until i was satisfied, and she answered all of them. It hurt, a lot, but i wanted to know the truth, even if it hurts. It was better because of the mind movies that i had on the first night. She said the person was a driver of a car that does paid transportation, kinda like the bus route. But she confirmed and reaffirmed she cut contact, blocked and evrything after she regreted (i feel truth from this)
The STI exam was another demand, and she tried doing yesterday but is a extended holyday where we Live (zhe tried public medical clínics, we dont have that much money for constant paid care). One thing im kinda "secure" is that she always had regular visists in womans doctor (forgot english Word). She aleays had blood tests and exames because of a genetic problem her mom also had and i always saw the medical exams and was clean, with the most recent being 2 months ago. BUT, i still demanded this and she sai Will do as soon as is possible.
The third is IC. She always had a weaker emotional balance. She did Ic before, because of the stuff with her Sisters and religion. It it is also for me, despiste crying i feel like im apathic. Some times i cry, some times i stay in silence, i dont the if it still didnt hit me "properly" or if my rational side keeps things glued. But i demanded IC for me and for her, i need professional help dealing with this and i need the while "why" properly from her. She told me it was a momento of confusion/weakness (kinda scripted) but she told it was only physical, not emotional, and deeoly regretted doing and betraying my trust.
Yesterday we stayed "together" on the apartament, since i work home office, we dont have much money for moving stuff around and i feel that if each one goes to another house itll be worse. I dont know if is necessarily right, but it was what i felt. We are barelly speaking, im following the advice of no physical contact, and yesterday was painful that we slept another night separed. She gave the room from her own and slept on the couch.
She keeps saying all that stuff that she regrets, that she should Never did this. She says that im the Best thing that happened to her and she betrayed my trust, and she'll have to Live with this her e tire life. I can feel that her words and suffering are genuine, and despiste being half guilt and half wanting to tell the truth despite hurting me and marriage, she wanted to come clean. I can feel she said the whole truth (i pressioned on some questions, and she admitted on her own. I even pressed Hard after she admitted, but she answered all)
I asked for some days of distance, acting only in a civilized way to maintain the house in a proper way. She agreed with all my points. I dont know if im a bit "relaxed to much", if i have to be more harsh but she always crimes when see me, say shes sorry and such, but respects when i want to be alone and in silence. She understood that this is not a R tentative, but is me still trying to absorb and understand all this. Like i said to her, she had 2 years to think and regret, but she confessed only 2 days ago.
Im still lost, broken, some times i cry but i dont know what to feel.im not a violent and angry person, and i know that ill be able to forgive her one day, and only after that day ill be able to make the decision of a R or D. She said she Will respect the time i need to this and Will follow other "i want" from me if they appear.
I dont feel the necessity of bringing this to rest of fsmily and friends, i know about rug sweeping but we were always more reserve on the relashionship, and i already told my mother and my closer friend to help me at this point.
Like i said, im still broken and lost, i dont know how to feel properly, im still trying to understand it all and i feel that at least she is being respectful of my choices and needs. Maybe her conscience speaked loudrr because she wants to come Back to congregation too, but i see that her words are being True. I said to her that her words need to br matched with actions, and ill ser how it goes from now. She said that since the marriage she never thought doing this anymore, that tried making genuine moments on marriage and such
I dont know if im doing anything wrong, im trying to follow some sdvices i read here and trying to think and digest. Im sorry for this wall of text and forgive me if is confusing. I appreciate this community and what you do to help other. Is difficult for me to ask help, but i feel that i need some help
From a person that dont know what to feel, thank you.
16 comments posted: Sunday, March 31st, 2024
