Affair while I was pregnant 😡

My boyfriend (42m) of ten years told me (38f) two months ago that he had another affair that’s been going on and off for the past two years (the first one was two years into our relationship with his best friend. It lasted a year and after a lot of work we got through it). He promised he’d never do it again but here we are. We’d been having issues and in couples therapy for a while. At the beginning of 2022 our therapist suggested a trial separation which I didn’t want but felt I didn’t have a choice because he wanted it. I managed to get him to at least agree to not sleep with anyone else while we worked through it. A couple of months later in April I found out I was pregnant and of course was extremely happy. He was away for work so I ended up telling him over FaceTime. He was scared and shocked but excited. We obviously stayed living together and didn’t separate which made me happy. I knew we had issues and I knew being pregnant wouldn’t just magically take them away but I did believe we could make it work.
He came to every drs appt with me except one as he was again away for work. Because of the pre-existing issues our relationship wasn’t perfect, he was some what distant but I kind of got used to it. He didn’t want to have sex with me because he said he just isn’t turned on by pregnant women (im not mad about that, i do understand it’s not everyone’s thing).
So I gave birth in Jan of 2023 and he was there by my side. Three months postpartum he breaks down and tells me he can’t do it anymore, that he doesn’t want to be with me (Great time to tell someone this, fucking asshole). I was livid, felt completely lost and confused, neither of us are from this country so we don’t have any family here, no support system. Because of the baby (I’m presuming) he tells me we don’t need to rush anything, nothing drastic needs to change but he just can’t be with me. That he needs his space. I’m post partum and completely beside myself but trying, I tried my best to hold space for him (while working a full time job from home as I never got maternity leave and looking after the baby). It goes on like this for months and then eventually mid 2023 he decides to start sleeping in another room. This was really hard for me, it hurt a lot but there wasn’t much I could do. So whenever the baby would cry at night time he would come into our room to change the baby and bring it to me (not ideal situation to be in).

In August we go back to his city in another country and stay there for a month. He’s distant again but he’s always bloody distant so what’s new.
Then in Oct he tells me that he’s having a really hard time coping and just needs some time away. A solo fishing trip. I agreed only because he said how much he needed it and I could see his mental health declining. He goes away for a week into the wilderness with barely any reception and because he’s having alone time I purposely try not to contact him. That week was incredibly hard for me, our baby didn’t sleep, I was burned out, while trying to juggling a ft job and not sleeping myself. It was really hard – with no help at all. He comes home, nothing out of the ordinary. Still sleeping in the other room.


He travels a lot for work going back to his home city so flew back again in oct and Nov for work. It’s always hard when he leaves as I’m alone with the baby and dogs to walk.
 December comes and we fly back to my home country for Christmas, he leaves early and goes back to his home country to be with his family for NYE.

And then once we’re all back home in the some country in Jan 24 he opened up and admits to having a two year long affair with a woman in his home city that started at the beginning of 22 (he says it’s because there were needs that just weren’t being met in our relationship for a long time and an opportunity presented itself and he gave in. He said the communication that he experienced with this person was like nothing he’d experienced with anyone before – an area we’ve always struggled with). This woman is from his home city so it was a long distance affair. Unfortunately he flew back often for work and they would see each other then and then he’d have an emotional affair with her when he wasn’t there).

He said he ended it when I found out I was pregnant but then we’d have issues and for some reason he decided that through our anger and resentment for one another I wanted to have the child alone (never that case) so that made him go back each time. He said he ended it multiple times and after a while she’d always make contact and he’d eventually go back to her. The joys. I think out of two years the longest they went without talking was a couple of weeks.
He said there was a span of about 10 months they didn’t see each other and then last august when we flew to his home city – yes he decided to lie to me while staying at his family home and say he’d to go into the city a few times for work and would need to stay there (his family live in the countryside) so he was sleeping with her and staying at her home while I was in the same fucking city – a very big low point.

Then his week away in oct solo fishing turns out was that but also included her. They went away together for a week! He completely abandoned his responsibilities as a new father and to me. He told me he was sleeping in his rental car the whole time.
When we flew back to my home country for Xmas I think this was a big turning point for him. He said it made him begin to wake up and realise the gravity of the situation he’d gotten himself into.

Unfortunately when he left us early and flew back to his home city for nye this also included him looking after her dog for the week as she was out of town and apparently had no one else – wtf.
He said he flew out before she got back and she was furious that he didn’t stay to see her.

So apparently for him he never intended it to go on for so long. He said he never should have started it in the first place. That he became scared of her in that she was always threatening to tell me. So he would try to ease the situation. He got himself so deep he didn’t know how to get out of it and he didn’t want me to find out from her. And how would he tell me while I’m pregnant or post partum. It sounds like he told her we were broken up and that we were just living together (despite our issues we both agree now that we’ve very much still been together and that’s why he feels like he’s cheated). They told each other "I love you" – makes me sick to think that.

He said because it was long distance and he went months without seeing her it was "out of sight, out of mind". Despite talking and no doubt having phone sex.

He said it was like a quick fix. A Band-Aid. For her it sounds like it meant a lot more. She messaged him mid January after he told me. He said she was threatening to tell me again and he said "I’ve just told her".
She also sounds a little mentally unstable tbh. She messaged me afterwards. I really don’t want to be caught up in this drama but I decided to reply to take back some of my power. I’m very proud of what I wrote. I took the high road and put her in her place in a respectful way. Made some things clear. I got a very nasty msg back from her (not surprising).
She then went on to msg by boyfriend and say that she just had a miscarriage. That was a tough pill to swallow but the way it came up and the timing of it make it hard to believe unfortunately. My boyfriend also said she’d been away over Xmas and nye partying in Mexico. She said she’d found out Dec 20th that she was "pregnant" and he says he doesn’t believe because of how often she brought up wanting to be a mother so going on a bender doesn’t really align with wanting a baby – to even think about these things is hell. (To clarify he told her he did not want children with her and wouldn’t commit to what she wanted).

Sooo here we are. If I didn’t have a child with him I’d be out the door. But I do. And I think he’s in shock. I think he’s coming to and realising the gravity of his decisions over the past 2 years.
This is so much to deal with. I believe his honesty now. He’s been completely open and honest about everything (I think anyway). I can see that he’s definitely been in a depressive / mid life crisis for the past two years. He’s been apologising for everything. He’s also upset at himself as having a baby is the biggest thing for both of us and he really fucked a lot of it up not only for me but also for himself.

21 comments posted: Thursday, March 28th, 2024