Where do I start?

Brief information, my spouse (F41) and I (M41) have started dating in 2001, got married in 07. First child not much after, total of three now.
In 2017 I found some texts that were calling a coworker lover boy and saying she needed him, wanted him now.. there was only a few messages that I saw (I sure hate having to dig through the spouses phone but my gut wasn’t letting go) she had deleted all the 100’s of messages and no telling what kind of pictures were sent. I found out, she said nothing physically happened just liked the attention. I told her it’s still an affair even if it wasn’t physical. I told her she needed to end it. I always felt like there was a lot more too it..

In January 2021 after asking what’s wrong as she was very depressed, visibly something going on, she told me that she was no longer in love with me not actually knowing what was going behind the scenes. After talking with my parents they asked about a separation because my aunt and uncle had done that 40+ years ago and there still together. Anyways, I brought it up and she was open to it, she packed up that weekend and moved over to her parents place. I scheduled a marriage counseling session for us, we both attended and that’s when she said couldn’t promise to be faithful. For some reason I ended up talking to one of her friends and she had said she has been intimate with this other fellow for a few months now, she told me because she didn’t like the guy and thought my spouse was ‘throwing her life away’

Without throwing her friend under the bus I confronted my spouse and all I got was ‘we kissed’ I guess I’m just a whore then huh she stated. Still makes me sick to my stomach thinking that she was sleeping with another man and still being intimate with me. I filed for divorce on the 27th of February. She had finally told me she was living with him around the beginning of April. Divorce went smoothly, I got custody of our children. She found a counselor and started going once a week starting in April, Mid May she moved back to her parents and told me it was her biggest regret and she wish she could fix it. I believe in late June a coworker asked her out on a date that she said yes to even though my ex-spouse have been talking a lot (I didn’t know anything about the possible date or the situation she had with her coworker) She finally did open up and told me (at least I think so) what happened in 2017 and I was right, it was physical.

So.. in the beginning of July her ex boyfriend asked her to come over to talk, she left my house after talking to me for a few hours, she said she was going to come back over afterwards as I’m on the way home. She didn’t come over at the the stated time she said she would be back, I gave her a call an she was on her way home, she sounded distraught. she turned around and came over, when she got out of her car she stated: he f$#ked me in the tone of voice suggesting she was raped. I told her she needed to go to law enforcement or I would be going to his place to deal with it. Law enforcement didn’t do anything other then a no contact order, seemed odd as I thought they would do a ‘rape kit’ and do more.

Anyways we did end up getting back together (divorce was final and done) as she was really doing good with her counseling, it’s been dang rough for me that’s for sure, I love her completely and also would be afraid of what kind of relationships she would end up in and putting my kids into possible bad situations.

I had laid out some rules for our second go around. I asked her to not be Face book friends with male coworkers, don’t exchange phone numbers unless absolutely needed for the job. I also requested her remove Snapchat.
Well she has one male coworker friend that I know of, has exchanged phone numbers with 2-3 male coworkers and still has that damn Snapchat.

Last year she had a job that she liked, and then also told me something very odd and out of the blue. Stating her male coworker is a gym buff and wears tight shirts, she said she was disgusted. A few weeks by and she quit that job and also started drinking a lot, as in trying to drown out something I would say. A few months later she ended drinking a lot and was texting the guy that asked her out back when we were getting divorced, hours of texting while I was at work. She ignored my phone calls. She also then deleted all the messages.

And then a few months back we were lying in bed and I swear I had smelled that condom smell and she was also drinking a lot again.. I did end up asking one of her friends if she was doing ok, her friend told her and she blew up, seems like guilt to me.

I just don’t know if I’m completely stupid or super sensitive/insecure?

Sorry for the long post and if it’s not very clear, it’s a lot!

13 comments posted: Tuesday, March 26th, 2024