Can she recover from online infatuation?

MY WW met her AP online while we were going through a tough time. Her AP lives in another country so she only got to know him from online flirting but obviously she built up a profile in her mind about how 'perfect he was' and eventually met and slept with him 16 months after the online relationship started!
I found out by accident while trying to help her do something with her phone as I stumbled accross a video message he had left for her! Obviously shocked!! ... I confronted her about it and she came clean, telling me she slept with him once (I confirmed using the timeliness of their messages!) when he came to visit our city and I was away working! This was 2 months after she had slept with him I had found out..... but she did not want to end the affair and she didn't want to loose me either! We have 4 children together from 4 - 14 years old so this was tricky to say the least!
I immediately began to think that she was infatuated with this guy and obviously living in a fantasy and now reality has clashed but she didn't want to let go of the fantasy! Since I found out, she has contacted him on 4 occasions when she promised she wouldn't because she says she can not help it.... she thinks she loves him! She slept with him a second time just 3 months ago and I finally had enough and told her I want a divorce but she begged me not to divorce her! I told her she needs to make up her mind and deal with what she is feeling for this guy. A 'love affair' is not true love and an online personality is not the same in the real world and unless she uses her brain instead of her hormones she will loose her true love and leave our children without a meaningfull relationship with their father! I told her I still love her, I know she is suffering from infatuation because I seen all the messages he sent her and this guy is full of sh*t but in her mind, he can't do anything wrong and she has taken every word he says to her as gospel even though she does not know him in the 'real world' and she refuses to take in any of the actual 'facts' I pointed out to her that makes this whole thing a complete fantasy! I am not jealous of this guy but I'm extremely angry that he knew she was married (not even seperated), she had 4 young children and she was obviously vunerable and having marital problems and he took full advantage of her! I gave her every opportunity to end it with me and get a divorce but she begged me not to and I really want our marriage to work because we were a really good couple for 17 years and this was our 1st major bump which brought this situation about! I have it in my heart to forgive her because I am 100% sure she is not in love with him and everything points to infatuation! I have turned every stone and read every article which point to the same conclusion but she still has feelings for this guy and she can't just switch them off! She is like a drug addict without a drug she so desperately wants, and she is aware that she doesn't actually know him! He has brainwashed ber into believing that he loves her with his cheap talk which is all he ever gave her but unfortunately it worked on her! How can she get out of this? She wants to do the right thing for us and our children as I do too and we have always been intimate even through this whole affair! I feel sorry for her and I don't want her to suffer but every feeling she spends on him is a cloud over our lives and I don't want to leave her but I don't know how long I can tolerate her infatuation for someone else that she has no control over! I just hope time will heal us! The sex is still good and always has been but this guy manipulated her emotionally and really got into her head! She listens to me and she knows what I say to be true but she is still confused as to what true love is compared to a 'love affair', fantasy, addiction which never last unless you feed them! Honestly... this guy had her act very irrationally and totally out of carictor going against everything she loved and cherished for years as if there are no consequences for her actions and risking it all for a guy she built up in her mind to be the perfect man from online flirting!

16 comments posted: Monday, March 25th, 2024