Was he sexually violated?

When my partner first told me he’d had sex with a woman on a night out three months ago, absolutely nothing made sense.

He told me the following:

He’d been out with friends and got way too drunk. More drunk than he’d ever been, due to stress from work etc.

There was a woman out with them, but at no point did anything happen between them - nothing was premeditated.

A load of them caught a taxi to their various homes, including her. When they got to his stop she asked if she could get a glass of water. He said yes. For context here, my partner has Asperger’s, so he took this literally.

Once inside the room, she ‘threw himself’ at him and they had sex.

He said it was horrible and like an out of body experience.

She left soon after, leaving him ashamed and traumatised.

Nothing he’s said changes from this account and believe me, I’ve tried from all angles.

Since he told me, he’s taken responsibility for what happened and has never once blamed anyone else. But as time moves on, I’m seeing things differently. If what happened that night happened to a woman then this would be a very different story. It would be rape.

I’ve said this to him, and he got very defensive and told me he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. We now don’t talk about it.

This is a very confusing and disorientating change in circumstances. There are so many layers to wrap my head around - both personal and societal.

Because he doesn’t want to talk about it, I feel very alone with my thoughts. Thoughts that twist and turn into what often feels madness. I’m still trying to make sense of it. Desperately wanting to know what is real and how to see him - a victim or a cheat.

What I do know is he’s always been a man of great integrity. He has strong values, works hard and has never once made me feel insecure.

Being neurodivergent, I know that he has to mask a lot. He also prepares for situations as best he can. So I can see how this night must have really thrown him.

I just don’t know what to think anymore

8 comments posted: Thursday, June 6th, 2024

Long Distance Healing

Hello

I found out two weeks ago that my long term partner had a very drunken ONS.

We’re BOTH extremely shocked and traumatised by this as he’s normally someone with a lot of self control and integrity.

He’s doing the work, we’re seeing a couples therapist and I believe I have the capacity to heal given the right conditions. However, he works away all week, every week and I don’t find this helpful at all. I need him here with me, which sounds crazy after all the hurt he’s caused. But I need him close to me - does that make sense or have I really lost the plot?

Can you repair a relationship from a distance?

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

🙏

4 comments posted: Wednesday, March 20th, 2024

One Night Stand

Hello

I’m so sad to be here, but appreciate the information and support found here.

My partner of 15 years told me last night that he had a one night stand 3 weeks ago whilst drunk.

He came clean after I found antibiotics used for STI’s. Firstly he tried telling me he was using them after going to a strip bar, where his friends started touching each other (but he didn’t get involved) - he was worried that he might have caught something hugging them!!

I didn’t accept this, so later he told me the truth - or the latest version of the truth. At the end of the night he went back to a hotel with a woman for sex. He said that it was a horrible experience.

After he had some strange symptoms and ordered antibiotics to help clear up a potential STI. But he continued sleeping with me.

He says he deeply regrets it and doesn’t understand why he did it. He also says he realises our relationship is over, but apparently the ball’s in my court!

I feel broken. Our life together is broken. I can’t function.

Where do we go from here?

13 comments posted: Wednesday, March 6th, 2024