Possibly new Affair during Divorce?

Has been a month since I posted an update. It didn't feel right to continue on my Just found out topic, so made a new thread. As yesterday I discovered something that left me some question marks, not sure what to do with it.

A month ago my WW agreed on some of my terms regarding the D. She would put them on mail, though she didn't even after a few reminders of the mediator. Had to collect the paperwork required for me to retain the house and buy her out. It took some time before we received the report of the home appraisal. Now I have all necessary paper work to keep the house all that wat left was for WW to answer that mail.

She doesn't handle pressure well, which I was reminded of last Wednesday when an elder of our community approached her to have a chat. He told me the elders wanted to check on how she was doing. Whether she shows some remorse and how her faith is doing. No big deal, though in her head it can feel like she is being judged. So I was a bit hesitant to push her while she was already stressed. I could not wait forever, as some of the paperwork expires after a few months. So yesterday I texted her to tell her I send all files and her mail was all that was left. Offered help if she needed to which she did accept. So the same day I came over to help her compose the mail.

She seems open to the D now, no longer trying to convince me to chance my mind. She composed the mail, barely needed my help except for some reminders what we discussed earlier. Then during composing a message did pop up on the screen which she quickly dismissed. I could still read it though, translated it said. "How are you doing, mylady." Mylady? Would you call a friend mylady? Can it be used as just friends? I have a female friend which calls me 'sweety' but she does that for about everyone she cares about. Also it was a name I didn't recognize. The first name however was shared by somebody of for which I have some evidence that suggest they slept together. I dismissed it for now, could be anything.

Some time later another message poped up asking whether she was already sleeping, or have a night off with some emoticons. Then she told me she knew too many persons sharing that name, could be confusing sometimes. Started sharing without me asking. He was a former colleague. His relationship is on the rocks, had a contract for cohabitation. Its no longer valid, though its a bit complicated. I asked whether they were still living together, and she said no. I was like whatever and she continued the mail.

Some time later she shared that he does have a child which she was looking after sometimes. Again I didn't ask. She told some details about he liking pasta. I kind of have trouble believing that story as it has some similarities with an excuse she used to go to a different AP. That story went like she was looking after the children of some friends, she would also make pasta then. Never happend.

Finally the mail was finished and send. We discussed some more details of splitting our household. As well with an odd request that if her mom can take her in sooner whether she could stay a bit longer in this house. I said I am fine staying with my parents for a bit longer for valid reasons, but would like to be back in my own house before the end of the year. I asked which scenarios should I think of, that it would take longer to get her house ready. She was like no, but as I am used to living on my own I would have trouble living under her mother again. Strangely enough she loved that idea a few months ago. She would have to deal with the mess caused by her brother. (She often leaves a mess of her own, but cannot handle others. Noticed her new biking jacket laying on the stairs which wasn't there the day before.) I said she is legally entitled to stay for 6 months after divorse, but I really miss my house. She tries to find her own place but the market is overheated and her budget limited.

I wonder whether she wished to stay longer in the house has to do with secrets she might keep. Things she doesn't wish her mom to know. Also from a christian point of view, she might have an improper relationship with that man. I am kind of worried she looses support from her mom. As finalizing of the divorce is approaching, I do not feel like poking the hornet's nest, would be in my best interests. I simply seem to cannot stop caring or worrying. Try to accept she has a live of her own and whatever mistakes she make are her own. It is just hard to do so.

Did anyone had to deal with a new affair during divorce? And how did that affect the divorce?

2 comments posted: Sunday, May 5th, 2024

My WW is a very complex person.

As DDay happened a few months ago, not sure this is the right forum. I already took steps to heal and started the D process, to get out of the nightmare I was living in. I thought things were moving forwards, that I was healing. Took steps: Separated from my WW, having supportive friends and parents, D process is started. Though recently I found out that I wasn't doing oke. The whole situation left me scarred, I still have lots to process. Was looking for similar stories and how people dealt with it, and found this site.

Here is my story, hopefully writing about it will help me process.

My WW is a christian, I was not at the time we were dating. That caused some uproar in her family and society as her religion warns about marring a non-christian. Later I discovered she kept the relationship a secret for a while, lied when we met. It caused me some worry as I wishes to support her. Her parents are D as her Father is a WS himself. Her fathers A caused great damage in her family and personally, she hates him for that. I thought as she experienced the pain herself she will never turn out to be like her father.

Entered the marriage both a virgin, I took study to become a christian myself. We had some setbacks, her fathers A and abuse caused mental issues, which came to light in the Marriage. Eventually she had therapy, medicine and diagnosed multiple mental disorders and issues, which stacked up over the years. Autism, Fibromyalgia, ADHD, PTSD, BPD. I had a horse riding accident, for which she claimed I was changed afterwards. (She is the only one who claims that)

She started her own company as she had a hard time with her current job and wanted the freedom of being your own boss, put lots of our money into it. Five and a half years into our marriage I was baptised and became a full member of the christian society. She was so proud. The next 2 months we didn't had much time together as she was reforming her company, starting to do field jobs at events. Also trying to become a professional photographer. She attended a 3 day event where she spend the night at a local motel. The last night the nights she met a foreign man, which gave her butterflies by lifting her. She said not to worry as he is gay and traveling the world.

The next day we went on holiday with my parents, as she neglected me due her busy schedule she promised me that this holiday will catch up for missed time. Instead she was constantly on the phone chatting with him and some other guys. She often left me to take pictures, or to send some message. I felt less important than her phone. She started me to ask some odd questions like what is incognito. How do you say this in English in order to chat with him. (English is not our native language)

This continued after the holidays, when we were intimate I felt like she was faking it. It turned me off, making it fail. She talked about partying, something she always wanted to try. She had dinner plans with some colleagues after which they were going to party. The dinner got canceled, though she still wished to party. She mentioned briefly that guy was in the country, I was glad she already had plans in another city. She claimed she stayed with a female colleague who lived in the neighborhood. Next week she went to a meetup for some field job, I went to bed early and woke up alone. She went partying again. She met a new female friend there. She said not to worry as she stayed with an older female colleague. She was gone for the next day too. I found it suspicious as that colleague did not strike me as a partying type, even more odd that she offered a bed whenever she party again.

Then DDay 1 happened, I was doing the laundry and found a receipt her buying a stay over kit and condoms. I was devastated, found evidence that my gut feeling wasn't off. I confronted her, she claimed to have bought it for a friend and was no longer in possession. I found it odd though she promised me she was faithful, so gave her the benefit. The next week she was gone a lot.

DDay 2: A week and a half later, during a special meeting of our christian community she told me she had a confession to make. Back at home together with a friend which also supported her mom during her D, she confessed to a ONS with a complete stranger which she had no contact with. I had confirmation, confirming my fear and gut feeling. Though I suspected an A instead of a ONS. Asked about the condoms again and she said it was nothing, like she told. And even more odd she didn't had him as contact as she made contacts with everyone she met at the time. I was going for a R, though she said not to trust her, she tasted something she shouldn't, I deserve better and we should D. I was confused as I was willing to forgive her.

She was gone a lot, I had a gut feeling she was lying where she went. I also found a receipt placing her at an airport and an hotel. Odd, though with her jobs at events it could be she needed to be there with valid reasons. I started to collect evidence. The therapist started the diagnoses of bi-polar, which we suspect was the cause of the ONS. I started to think I was paranoid and should trust her, so I made the mistake to destroy most of the evidence. She make me promise to not look at certain places, her note book tracking her bi-polar/mood, her private stuff as she found it invasive. I noticed she was secretive on her phone. Nagging to go partying which I forbid her to prevent another bi-polar induced mistake, she was free to go anywhere else.

She asked me to help with her bi-polar/mood note book. Though she hid some parts of it while doing so. I was curious why. Figuring I was helping her filling that book, I checked it to help her better. Then I discovered the events page, and what effect it had on her mood. All events were written out, discussions with me as negative, hobbies and jobs positive. Fair I guess as we are in a though spot, then I noticed Initials as a very positive event. I became more suspicious though I still gave her the benefit of doubt. Then she requested her own room, had a fight over it because we already went over budget and we discussed it earlier and deemed it not necessary. I gave in and in two days we cleared a spare room and made her a own.

DDay 3: Same week she had a cough at the time and said she couldn't join the gathering of our religion. She made me promise to go without her, odd request as I always go. That day she did extreme self care, showering make up, wearing lingerie. Extensive cleaning of the house even doing chores she normally doesn't do, or only when someone is going to visit. (I do almost the whole household) The red flags were stacking up. She even said I should stay longer and call when I was back. I told my best friend there, who I disclosed everything. I went back as soon the gathering ended without notice. She was watching her show on the couch I asked how her evening was. She claimed to have binge watched. I knew it was a lie as I knew what episode she was before I left, she was halfway through the next. Sleeping apart, next day I checked her room and found condoms in her drawer and a towel with organics in a new box under the bed, folded just like when we are intimate. Recorded the evidence and confronted her again. She claimed to have misplaced them. The towel was just used for cleaning herself. Very odd as they are the only misplaced items by her extensive cleaning. I noticed I didn't trust her, was I paranoid, damaged? I said for the first time, I feel its better to D. Then she did something unexpected, she sat on my lap, went through my hairs and praised me for it. Wanting a D. Saying its the best course, she is proud of me making that decision. She only cried when she mentioned that she has difficulties finding housing. After she updated the notebook I kind of expected the same initials to appear, though instead a new set appeared that day as highly positive event, while she didn't left the house. I checked her bags, which were clean. Also odd after that day she wanted to sleep in the same bed again?

DDay 4:Next Saturday my parents hosted a family dinner, they were unaware of our situation as requested by W. We went to tell them so they know things were not good between us. My W told them explicitly that she had no longer feeling for me, not for over a year. She said she had hurt me, though made it seem like a minor thing. During the dinner she was constantly on the phone even though she was asked not to. She was worried about the brother of the young women she met during partying. I knew they were chatting (a lot) but she made it sound like she thinks he is an idiot. He had a bad experience while partying. His sister asked her to help looking for him as he went to the city alone. I asked why couldn't she or her parents go. Parents were unaware of his drug use, and the sister didn't had a license. (Which was odd as WW told earlier that she had been in her car, WW drove as her new friend wasn't feeling sober.) I asked for proof of the request. She scrolled down her contact lists and showed a clean chat. Claiming that snap deletes messages after read. (Still odd it doesn't show in recent contacts.) Then I asked her to show his chat. She hesitated and went to the bathroom as she needed to go badly all the sudden. Of course she came back with a clean chat. Though I got what I needed: his name. I let her go as promised and found out who she was with and which city he lived. Next day I found suspicious organics (fresh) in her underwear, she changed right after she got back. She was back early as we scheduled to do something together. (I do the laundry so I know all about her stains). Next day I disclosed all events to my parents. The day after I took a day off and decided to inform my MIL, she was devastated, though glad I told her. I claimed it was only indirect proof but it was piling up. She noticed the same pattern in her daughter as her WH.

DDay 5: Next day I found a way to access her timeline, to see where she went. It confirmed my suspicion about the initial along with some other shocking discoveries. Her deception and lies were far worse than I ever imagined. She went to him quite frequently. Lied about visiting friends and family going on work or jobs. Also going to an additional unknown adres twice while she claimed to be at her grandparents. I discovered the adres of the new initial on DDay3 too. In addition instead of partying with her colleagues she went to an hotel and slept there, next morning she went to the airport right after. I suspected she met up with that foreign guy she met. In addition I found condoms in her bag which wheren't there a week before.

Day after there was also something odd. During the gathering of our religion, she was constantly on the phone. I noticed she was snapping with an ex colleague. I knew she mentioned multiple times she found him handsome and a shame he didn't had a girlfriend. She tried to convince him to do a fotoshoot with him though he refused, she found him a coward because of that. After the service we went to bed, she to her own room. Normally she is cold and goes under the blankets though I discovered her half naked on top of the bed with her phone. The lights were on for quite a long while. Later I noticed a new initial to have appeared in the book as highly positive event, his initials. She didn't leave the house.

Day after I was planning to bust her, following her pattern the day afterwards she would meet up. This day she had an event in the other side of the country I would go by train to meet her halfway, though due a person-train collision I couldn't get there. I apologized and went home as I had no way reaching her. She claimed to be tired and was going to make multiple stops, keep me updated. At home I warmed up some dinner. She didn't update me for a while, so I checked where she went to discover that she had one small stop and drove directly to him. At the same time she texted me she had a few stops left but takes it easy as she was extremely tired. (She literally passed our town to get there, longer drive) I assembled the team to bust her. Though when assembled she was already on her way back. So instead we did a confrontation. Asking her why she lied. She couldn't give a proper explanation. Claiming she went there for the female friend she met partying. Nothing happened. All times she is been there was for her. (First we gave her the benefit, though later we realized there were inconsistencies in her story.

The next day I let her go to the female friend as she was kind of Honest. She came back with a present, claiming that was a Christmas gift from work, they received but had no use for it. We agreed to track each others location.

DDay 6 I still didn't trust her version of the accounts but had no proof. She refused me meeting her female friend as she claims she is a shy delegate person. A stay in house kind of women. (Who she met partying?) A week later she was gone in the evening and I noticed she stopped sharing her location. I was suspicious, so I went with a friend to his place. I wanted to know what is truth and not. I found his dad at the door, introduced myself and had a small talk. He confirmed that WW went there for him, had barely contact with his sister who WW claims to meet. Goes partying with him. Whether they were intimate he couldn't tell. Though I now knew she lied again. Back home, WW arrived she was closed off, when I told her I had a confession to make that I visited his place. She was furious, she knew. Said that I didn't know what I did and stuff. That I do not have a clue. Odd enough days later she wished to sleep next to each other again, she kind of forced me to by crying, being clingy and stuff.

She had a new years event she was working at, as it was finished late and had a shift in another city next morning she asked whether she could stay with an hotel. I was kind of oke with that, I had confirmation of that event and times. She booked an hotel and named the same brand as the hotel earlier. Which got me suspicious. Curiosity took the overhand and I checked her mail, just for the booking. I discovered she went to an hotel that was actually way of the way. And a luxurious room. Close to where he lived. And she would be literally saving traveling time both ways if she slept at home. It was further from home, and further from the shift next day. I confronted her, she said it was no detour, and its nothing. Though I had trouble trusting her. I asked If it was oke if we go there together I meet up with her share a room. Trying to R. After all we slept in the same bed for days now. She refused. I said I was worried she would meet up with someone. Still refused. She came with a compromise I can come and see her enter the hotel alone. That wouldn't help either. That night I noticed she checked in early. I was devastated. I called her mom and we went to the hotel to have a talk. The hotel staff didn't let me enter the building even though I was her spouse. I called her, I wanted to talk with her. Finally she agreed meeting up outside she was perparing to shower she said. (Just before midnight?) I told her I found it odd. She claimed the event was canceled. (Which turned out to be true) I asked her to let me check her room and then I will be gone. Though she refused to let me in. We were walking in circles so I left. I didn't believe in R anymore.

I told her I wanted a D and contacted a mediator. Then all of the sudden after all those weeks I tried to R, she wanted to D. She didn't want to D anymore and claimed to fight for our marriage. I was so confused.

The next week she talked about visiting him again, I didn't think it was a good idea. She claimed nothing happend, they were nothing. (She had more frequent contact with him then we were dating, which she also kept a secret and denied we had anything) There was one suspicious event which apparently I sabotaged by giving mixed signals. We tried to do something together, she initiated it. Though she left me quite early on the date to cellogeus help out as she had been working there. Leaving me alone. She fetched me some drink and brought me something I never drink but she likes. She lied about the frequency of contact with him. I saw from the corner of my eyes when she was texting him. They had whole conversations. Caught some partial sentences. Like "Am I not important enough?", "Next evening".

One day she went to work early. She said I love you and was gone. She turned, I had a gut feeling and checked her location to discover it being off when she left. I lost the will to live. I couldn't take it no longer, the deception the lies, she being kind to me and betraying me right after. Saying I am her soulmate. Just when her shift started like predicted she was online again. I decided I could no longer live with her. So I went to my parents place, arranged an emergency meeting with my parents and her mom. (WW Family is very supportive for me) As we couldn't find a place to stay for her, we decided that I stay with my parents where I still am now. I went home, fetched some stuff I need to survive for 3 days as we look for a solution for her. I waited till she was home to tell her I am leaving. She yelled at me. I left before I could say I am going through with the D. As she was unreasonable.

We cooled down a bit. MIL took over the care for her. She stayed in our house. I tried to tell her I want to go through with D. In meanwhile I secured my finances and most important accounts. Started to pay here some living money. We finally arranged a talk privately where I wanted her to cooperate with D. Instead she was begging me to stay. Saying she changed. Trying to be a better Christian. I knew some days ago she slept over with him. She claimed she was harassed during a company gathering where she had a temporary contract. And had no where to go. She confessed sleeping in the same bed. I was very confused. She said she was sorry but stick with her story of the ONS and denied the A, and all other things I found. I needed time to process that.

Again I went through everything that happened. Listed all con's and pro's of both R and D. And decided I could never trust her again. Our marriage would be in constant threat of infidelity. Even with medical help and therapy. If it happened again she wasn't likely to confess. She could become pregnant, claiming its mine. I saw no future.

Also time away made me realize our marriage was unhealthy for a far longer time. She was gaslighting me ever after my accident. Even before I wondered how honest she was. She done some financial infidelity too. Putting money in her company. I start even to question some events at the start of our marriage. Though it might been innocent back then, it ended up in the situation we are in now. Slowly changing over time till it escalated. I fear she also have NPD into the mix and a tenancy to lie and believing her own twisted reality. As she has no clue how her actions affect me. Hates to loose. Trouble with authority. Presenting her better than she is. Shifting the blame. Wanting to be in the spotlight. I will always be the one who gives, she who takes. I was so blind, though I loved her dearly. Now I resent her. And even now I wish her well, am worried about her.

I do not miss her. It hurt though. I am convinced D is the best option, as she cannot function in a marriage. I thought I was healing, though recently I noticed I still have long road ahead. Am so confused about my feeling. Wish to reduce contract though we have to go through D and I need to help with the cats, as I am worried about their wellbeing. My thought keeps going back to her, and what happened. One of the issues is that I keep crossing paths with her. Its unavoidable as we are in the same community. She gives me that smile each time. Like nothing happened, we still are in love.

I hope writing and sharing my story will help to heal. Maybe find some new things to try which helps me healing from this nightmare.

Some additional information
Already had her tested for STD's: Results were negative.
D is on its way. We have help for that. She is kind of cooperative.
She has therapy and medicine for her bi-polar. (Though I start to think she has a missdiagnoses)
Meeting with friends regularly, family is very supportive.
Still do horse riding.
Taking it a step at a time.

40 comments posted: Saturday, March 9th, 2024