One Step Behind

On June 16 last year, a day before my birthday, my wife approached me to say that our marriage was in real trouble. Honestly, I was dumbfounded because I had no idea that anything was wrong. Over the next couple hours I received a laundry list of improvements that I needed to make in order to make the marriage work.

Of most concern was how I am not home enough, but my job requires me to travel up to 3 weeks in some instances and it has never been an issue in the last 8 years. Upon me pushing back over my job, she packed a bag and went to stay at her parents, "because I wasn’t listening to her". She specifically told me that she needed a couple of days of no-contact to evaluate her feelings. She said that she would be back Sunday and we could talk more. As per her wishes, I didn’t text, call or converse with her during this time.

I thought about some of her complaints and decided to put my hobbies on hold while I catered to her. I told my boss what was happening and that I needed to compress trips if possible, move into marketing or operations, basically whatever help me save my marriage. I made a vow to increase together time, small gestures of affection and affirmations.

On that Sunday night she came home happier than when she left, thanked me for not contacting her and we discussed the steps that I could make to satisfy her. Over the first few weeks, she seemed to really like my effort. However, the more I acquiesced, the more demands she had.

Before all of this I, made dinner at least 4 times a week. I cut the grass, maintained yard work, cleaned gutters, took out the trash, cleaned bathrooms, dishes and the floors, but now I was getting "you missed a spot on the bathroom floor" or "you missed the garbage can in the spare bedroom" (the one that no one sleeps in). Her added complaints were, we don’t eat enough red meat, you didn’t tie down the pool cover correctly and it kept me awake all night.

I had enough and asked her what was going on. This was a sudden and drastic change and I was concerned that she may have had some health issues that I wasn’t aware of. Well this resulted in an hour long diatribe about how just because she is unhappy with me doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with her.

So went the months, of an uneasy accord whereby I was over-doing work at home and she was finding ways to ignore me or complain. We were drifting further and further apart. One day I was using the computer in the kitchen for a recipe, and I found her search history for divorce lawyers in our city. I wasn’t shocked but it did spur me to really evaluate our relationship and as it was excellent for 8 years and I decided not to give it up without giving it one more try.

I booked a surprise trip to Mexico for 7 days, arranged it with her supervisor and we had a great time. We seemed to really connect again. Even when we got back home the atmosphere was different. She was more attentive and more engaged than before. I thought we had some momentum and I decided that I would surprise her at her office and take her to lunch last Friday.

I walked up to the reception desk and told the woman that I was there to see my wife. She said, "she just left for lunch but if you hurry you might catch them in the garage" I hurried down the stairs and see my wifes car still in her parking stall. As I moved closer I cant see my wife but I do see someone in the drivers seat and it looks like he is sleeping. As I get closer, it is obvious what is happening as I can see my wifes head in his lap, giving the guy a bj.

All I saw was red. I pulled the driver side door, and punched him in the face. All I could hear is the ominous sound of his nose breaking. I see my wife is screaming at me not to hurt him anymore, as blood, snot and tears were rolling down this guys face. I hit him again and started walking out of the garage.

I do not remember exactly how I got home and don’t remember which route I took to get home, because I was seeing red.

My wife didn’t come home until later that evening and she was angry at the overall situation. She raged at me about how embarrassing my outburst was. How she didn’t like to see her husband unhinged and violent. How I promised years ago not to fight anymore, work on my temper and it was just another example of how bad I am as a husband.

Then she said, do you have any idea what I had to do for him not to press charges against you? I said "Did you have to suck his cock?" With that she burst out crying and hyperventilating. As she was ugly crying, I said at least I know now why our marriage was in such trouble. It was because there was 3 of us in it and I was up against the grass is greener guy. I asked her to pack a bag and go to her parents and this time I wanted no-contact until Sunday.

Being alone was probably not the best idea because all I could do was ruminate over all the things I brushed off since June. Her phone is a work supplied phone so I cant access it, it is only linked to her work laptop so accessing that was out but at least I had an approximate start date of her affair emotional or otherwise.

Then I thought about all the little arguments about me not doing a good enough job and her needing to leave the house periodically because "I just didn’t get it". It was around this time I stumbled upon what I thought was strictly an emotional affair that had not accumulated to full on physical affair.

I was wrong. I confronted her, probably prematurely. What I learned was it had progressed much further than anticipated. Apparently it was not planned, it just happened, it was just sex no feelings, that she love me, basically all the contrite crap these people say to save the situation that they found themselves currently in.

She suggested counseling, and various ways that she would make it up to me if I gave her another chance, she would allow me to have my own affair, she would donate money to my car project, every text was some new way she could buy her way out of it. Me not responding was getting her more desperate. She said that she knows she messed up and has no right to ask but did I think we could come back from this? I said it is kind of hard to come back from seeing your wifes mouth on another guys cock.

She came back on Sunday and I had packed some of personal items and asked her leave staying anywhere else, but here. Simultaneously, she was sending me ideas on how we could move forward from this, grow and be stronger. She ordered books about recovery and sent me the titles and when they would arrive. Asking me to give her a chance.

That Monday I called some highly any divorce attorneys to make appointments. I spoke with one a week later on the phone and although I couldn’t get into see him until the following week, he gave me a quick rundown on what would be beneficial to have in case I decided to divorce her. We live in a No-Fault state so the only real sticking point would be with regards to fiduciary responsibilities, aka did she spend money on him during the affair, and could she possibly be hiding money/assets in preparation for a divorce she may have wanted. I make more than her but she can live comfortably on her salary alone. We have no kids, no pets so spitting will be easier unencumbered.

He suggested for her to give me a timeline of her affair with minutia detail. That way I could use that information to measure if she spent money on him (hotels, restaurants etc) and have her pay me back or use it as a negotiation tool. He suggested me telling her that the accuracy of her timeline would be an important motivator in me choosing a chance of reconciliation, regardless of how upsetting or graphic it maybe. I told him that I assaulted the AP (my international travel would be affected) and he said although concerning he would have to explain to his wife why I hit him in the first place if he did swear out a complaint.

I keep coming back to, I want to know his name. I want to tell his wife. I want to blow up his marriage. I want to tell their boss what was going with his employees on company grounds. I want to reach out to the receptionist and thank her and see if I can glean any useful information from her. I know the above are all bad ideas until the divorce is over but we are so far away at this point and I want someone else to be hurt and embarrassed like I am.

My wife is now saying that I cannot keep her out of the house, which is correct, and that we cant move forward if we don’t communicate and cohabitate. My lawyer suggested a cooling off period just in case I can see reconciliation with her. I cant imagine what it would be like living together after she is served because I simply don’t know what she is capable of anymore. Maybe I never really did.

Is there anything in the timeline that I should ask for in particular?

68 comments posted: Thursday, March 7th, 2024