Cheating with strangers on Reddit, alcoholism, compulsive lying…
There are many layers to my husband’s infidelity including alcohol, compulsive lying, and gaslighting.
Buckle in folks! This is going to be a long one…
On Friday night/Saturday morning 2/10, I (29F) discovered that my husband of four years (32M) had been engaging in sexually explicit conversations and exchanging pornographic images via private messages with *many* strangers (we’re talking approximately 30-40 people) on Reddit.
From what I’ve been able to discern from the messages I’ve seen so far (working on copying all of them just in case I need them for future legal purposes) he was doing this for approximately 5-6 months without any regard of the consequences for our marriage.
His engagement in sending explicit messages and images to strangers online has become a constant activity, consuming an average of 18 hours a day (according to iPhone screen time). This behavior appears compulsive and potentially addictive, given its frequency and immediacy, even occurring within *minutes* after having sex with me. His inability to refrain from sexting Reddit users immediately after having sex with me suggests a significant impulse control issue, where the need to engage in this online activity overrides other aspects of life and relationships.
**Something else to note about this:
When I confronted him about the messages he’s been sending to strangers online, he told me that he sees this behavior almost like a "writing exercise" and also stated that he started engaging in this behavior after finding a NSFW thread on Reddit about role playing. Based on this and various things related to this topic that he has said to me over the years, it is clear to me that his sexual gratification is derived more from descriptive language and conversational settings where images are exchanged and one-sided gender reversed role playing occurs versus watching pornographic videos. I’ve suspected for a long time that he might be high functioning ASD, so I’m wondering if some of this might stem from that. I have no clue. I might trying too hard to rationalize..
In addition to his infidelity, I also believe (which he has now acknowledged and accepted) that he has slowly developed a drinking problem over the past year and a half. He works at night, so if I come home from work on a day that he is off, it’s highly probable that he spent several hours drinking alone at home (usually while having these sexually explicit conversations with strangers online).
The most dangerous/concerning thing that he’s done while drinking so far (that I’m aware of at least) actually happened about a month ago. Despite agreeing (and confirming with me on multiple, separate occasions prior) to be a designated driver for myself and one of my colleagues after attending a post-holiday pizza/board game party with my colleagues, he spent 5-6 hours drinking at home alone before I arrived to pick him up and travel to the party. When I arrived home he was noticeably drunk, so I asked him quietly if he had been drinking and he replied "no". As I’m driving myself, my husband, and my coworker "LK" to the home of my other colleague "AS" (and our mutual friend) who was hosting the gathering, it became undeniable that my husband was completely intoxicated. An hour into the party, the entire group went to the basement to begin playing board games. At this stage in the evening, he was intoxicated to the level of passing out in a chair shortly after going downstairs with the group. I tried to help him sober up a little with pizza and water so he wouldn’t continue to attract unwanted attention. If I hadn’t noticed that he was falling down drunk and insisted that I drive all of us home, I truly believe he would have driven drunk that night.
*The last big thing is the lying and subsequent gaslighting…
While I only just discovered his infidelity and the increased alcohol usage has only just come to a head, the last thing that has become borderline intolerable since he returned from a short military thing has been his compulsive lying over matters both significant and highly trivial and then the subsequent manipulation and gaslighting when I would confront him. The trivial lies were much worse right after he returned than they had been recently (I could see him lying about the color of the sky), but my god it sometimes feels like he’s lying for the sake of lying.
When I’ve confronted him in the past about his compulsive ies, he responds one of two ways. His first response is typically to feign complete ignorance (which I think it intended at least subconsciously to make me feel insane). His next response is to become completely silent but visibly agitated (as in his entire body is stiff and ridged and he’s rolling his eyes and pursing his lips really tight). Essentially, he’s acting like he’s pissed at me for confronting him about lying. This response manipulates me into feeling at fault which leads me to apologizing for addressing the issue to begin with. Any and all attempts to resolve this conflict by calmly and openly discussing his specific grievances or the reason for his noticeably visible (yet silent) anger with me are met with his intense, passive aggressive refusal to communicate. This behavior leaves these conflicts unresolved until I am emotionally coerced into taking responsibility and apologizing for attempting to address his dishonestly. Essentially apologizing to him for *his* pattern of compulsive lying.
So that’s the bulk of the historical context for what has completely broken me this week. We’ve had daily conversations about all of this since I discovered what he’s been up to and I think this is definitely his rock bottom. Not to give him any excuses, but it was almost like he wasn’t even aware of how bad everything had gotten until it all blew up. The day after DDay, he signed an agreement I had written for for him at 4 am (because what is sleep?) that acknowledges his destructive behavior and states that he agrees to seek and follow the instruction of medical professionals. Until the day becomes clear that he will not hold up his end of the bargain, I’m going to go on this journey with him, but I’m really struggling with all of this. I can tell that he clearly has something clinically wrong with him and I want to be patient, supportive, etc., but I don’t fully understand it. The whole thing is just so bizarre to me and I can’t help but feeling inadequate in some way (maybe as a spouse, maybe sexually, I don’t know) and like it’s all my fault. Yes, I know that isn’t rational or healthy, but I honestly can’t help how I feel. The night I found the all of Reddit messages, we had sex and within MINUTES he was in another room sexting one of these people on Reddit. Stuff like that makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me…
7 comments posted: Thursday, February 15th, 2024
