Wayward Wife actively trying to reconcile
Emotional Roller-Coaster!!!! Words of wisdom, please?
Hi there! I have had an emotional roller-coaster the past few days. I feel like I am drowning. I am not finding any hope. He randomly texted me on Friday night and told me "Thank you for teaching me a lesson to not trust anyone blindly". Then I said I am really sorry. He is like it's useless. Then he got mad and thinks that I have swayed our friend to my side who had invited me to dinner earlier in the week last week to their place. I told him that I had reached out to this friend. So he was like why do you want to meet people? I asked him do you not want people to talk to me now? He is like that's what I thought people would do after knowing what kind of a shitty person you are. I told him I am hurting and depressed too. To which he said I don't have any rights to be upset because I am the one who caused it. And then he sent me a picture of his abs and like you gave this up haha and I told him I loved him. Before he had abs, while he was going to have abs, after he had abs in ever which way. And then he stopped responding. He was extremely mean and rude. I asked him if he wants me to move away and doesn't want me to exist, he didn't reply to that.
I don't know if this is all him lashing out at me or is he starting to mean something here like he is almost done and he really hates me?
The only thing I can see he has for me is hatred and resentment.
Yesterday, on Sunday, he just came and took away the cat we had. She was the only company I had (my husband is living with some roommates is what he has mentioned). I asked him if we could talk. He said he has nothing to talk. For some reason, it is really bothering that couple of people are still talking to me somehow. He told me that we both are in shock but he is handling it way better than me. Probably he is. He seems to be happy in the picture of a friend who had posted on her birthday. On the other hand, here I am falling more and more in love with my husband and extremely disappointed and disgusted in myself for bringing us to this juncture. He is an amazing man, my husband. Perfectly perfect! and this is what I have made of us. I am trying to gather together these pieces scrambling like crazy to put it together but not allowed to. I asked him if we could hug before he left. He said no, it won't mean anything to him. I said it will mean something to me. He is like "now should I do this because it satisfies you?" I said, okay you don't have to. He is like he is trying his best to see "how to make this works?". But he is not able to. Will he ever be able to?
He also asked me you have told me so many things but never have you told me why you still love me. So, i really want to put everything together and give him an elaborate list on that!
Right now, it feels like 1000 trucks of bricks have rammed against my chest and somehow it still has kept me alive and I am on life support. Everything hurts! Just Everything hurts. I don't know what any of this means.
How do I even get to talk to him? Communicate with him? We have not even been able to sit down with each other and have an end to end talk. He feels like he knows everything he needs. I think we have been able to talk i.e., only answer questions 2-3 times. Not even end-to-end. BH is of the opinion that no matter what changes I make, I will always be reduced to a cheater. It is not about what I will do in the future, but what I have done will decide what's next for us! Anybody treading this path? Any words of wisdom that could be shared?
34 comments posted: Wednesday, February 14th, 2024
BH has been NC and not told me where he is and it is worsening! Reconciliation support only please!
I have been with my husband for 16 years and married for almost 8 years. Unfortunately, I ended up having A with a common friend (for my husband and I). I won't go into the details of why I had to resort to this because no matter what, the act and the hurt I have caused are inexcusable. It lasted for close to 3 years. It was EA and PA. The first couple of months felt like an absolute fantasy. But then I soon realized that I did not want to pursue this AP as my life partner in any sense and that I was not out of my life with my husband. So, shitstorm created within me. But I didn't come out of the A. It fantasy had become too big in my head that I thought I would have the void so I was in and out of it. But the last year, I felt so guilty and ashamed that I did not know what to do and wanted to phase out of it. It was not a great year on the A front and I had decided this can permanently stop if my husband and I moved away to start new beginnings (because I really wanted to have a good life with my husband).So, we decided to look for houses and even finalized on one after some search and were ready to sign for the house. But at the same time, it was important to me that I ended it amicably with AP because we have a lot of common social circle and the chances of bumping into him was quite high and I did not want to be bitter and out of bitterness make harsh decisions or make it more awkward. So, AP and I had agreed to end whatever it was on Dec 25, 2023. But my husband found out on Dec 21. He asked me for my phone. I refused to give password because I was afraid and looking forward to our new beginnings. (In hindsight, I should have come clean myself then). My husband got aggressive, drove to AP's house and asked him to share his messages with me. AP shared all our private messages to my husband. Things have turned topsy turvy since. He has informed both sets of families and some friends. So, you can imagine how everyone is reacting now and what they must be telling him. However, the fog has lifted for me and I am really in love with my husband and would do anything to make our relationship work. But he has asked for space and time, understandably so. But now, he has moved completely to a different place and has not told me where he is. He does not want to try couples therapy yet. He did invite me to his therapy sessions and he got mad that he does not want to be in his own therapy session and hear what is wrong with him. I said we were discussing underlying issues in marriage and he felt it is the same. All he speaks of whenever he does is he has no feelings for me, he is indifferent to me and only gives scenarios of separation and if we were to reconcile he would have to deal with a bigger hell of marriage repair which he isn't ready to do. He still says he has not made a decision yet. It has been 1 month and 10 days since the Dday and he only seems to be worsening. I am requesting him to take some more time to think through and that I am not that person anymore and willing to do whatever it takes to work on our marriage and for us. He won't communicate and only texts when in rage or to say something like above. He does not want to MC (yet?). He is not ready to meet. He has not made a decision yet. Has anyone here ever bounced back and reconciled from situations like this. Is this all too fresh for him and hence his reaction and responses or is this how it usually will remain? How can I help him heal? How can I show that I am not that person anymore (which I am not. I absolutely loathe and ashamed of the person I was during A)? Please advise. I am willing to do whatever it takes to wait for my husband, make amends and to keep him happy.
15 comments posted: Saturday, February 3rd, 2024
