Struggling with reconciliation

We're in the early weeks of reconciliation. It's been about 6 weeks since dd so very early doors still. I think tonight I'm struggling a little with managing my expectations of WH. We had talked two days ago about planning a date,a trip to the cinema and he advised he would take the lead on it and arrange for his parents to babysit. And then never mentioned it again. I knew he'd forgotten so tonight I brought it up and he confirmed he'd forgotten. When I explained that this was upsetting to me, he said okay I hear what you're saying. But didn't apologise. So I asked him if he felt I was being fair and if he could see where I was coming from and if he agreed with me and he said that he did, so then I asked why he didn't apologise. And now I feel like I've both nagged him to take me out, and had to ask for an apology (which to me makes it moot).

I'm trying very hard not to do the work for him, but I'm also trying to be honest and not treat him like a mind reader.

We have a very small child and I've been clear with him that I need reassurance, affection and for him to be showing me through action that he wants to be with me and this feels like a huge step backwards when we're already very fragile.

I'm trying not to read too much into it but equally I'm hurt and I want to be realistic that I know he's working a lot and is exhausted a lot, but equally that's life and him not stepping up and investing in our relationship is a contributing factor to his withdrawal and subsequent EA.

How do I find the balance?

I think I feel added pressure at the moment because I'm coming 36, we'd been planning another child this year and yet having our son a year and a half ago was a major contributing factor to our relationship going on the rocks and WH coping with all the change and added stress (it was a very difficult pregnancy for me physically and quite traumatic for both of us at times) by withdrawing and taking up an EA.

He told me the other night that he wants to have a second child in the next 5 years as per our original plan and while I desperately want a second and know I'm essentially on a clock now to be able to do this, I'm terrified of what that would mean, if we'd be able to reconcile in time, if I'd resent him if we couldn't and if we did feel things were good enough to try again for another, what if we were wrong. I was really shocked to hear him say that because he started his EA the week our son was born which to me would suggest that he wasn't coping or content with having a child, and yet he's the most involved and invested dad you'll ever meet. It's so hard to understand that he can be both things at once.

I guess what I'm asking is how I navigate reconciliation appropriately, while also navigating a ticking biological clock. And how I manage expectations of him, when to accept that he's human and may forget things at times and when to worry that he's not taking reconciliation seriously. In some ways I feel like he'd stepped so far back from our relationship that it's almost like he's making the most basic effort now because by contrast that seems like he's doing something. But really is that enough because I'm not sure if it is for me? Or do I need to manage my thinking and accept that life is busy and I need to be more realistic in what his effort needs to look like? For example, I told him that I explored in IC that in the mornings I often wake up and feel insecure due to dreams etc and my therapist recommended he does something in the morning to make me feel appreciated to break that cycle of feeling triggered all day. So now he gives me a kiss and actually says goodbye before he leaves for work. But to me, that's just what he should have been doing this whole time and reassurance should maybe be something extra? But that's maybe not reasonable on my part!

9 comments posted: Friday, February 2nd, 2024

Found out at time of crisis.

So WS and I have been married for 3 years, together for 7 years and have 1 child who's just turned 1.

I found messages on his phone on Christmas morning and he's been sexting and having an online emotional affair with one of his exes who is also now married with children. It started as general chat and about 3 months ago became inappropriate.

I confronted him that morning and then had 2 full days of brave facing it while we were with family. I then asked him to leave for a few days while I had space to think. I informed OBS who confirmed the information I had. And then yesterday WS and I sat down and talked and agreed to try and R. He seemed genuinely remorseful, had already taken action to address some issues such as signing up to IC and requested MC and basically did and said exactly what I'd have wanted him to off his own bat. He didn't try to excuse his behaviour, gave me a full timeline and explained there was more to it than I thought although nothing in person and filled in some gaps for me in terms of our marriage.

I decided he could move back in last night. And then this morning he got a phone call to say that an immediate family member he's very close to is about to pass away and he's devastated. It's all just been so much. I'm still so hurt and angry and processing my own feelings and thoughts and now I feel like I need to once again put on a brave face to support him and his family through saying goodbye and all the grief that goes with that. I'm not sure how I do both at the same time and while I want to be supportive and I know WS is in genuine pain right now, I'm so worried this will end up being an excuse for rug sweeping and we'll just fall into routine while trying to get through this. It's just all been so much and i now feel like I can't be as open with my feelings towards him as him being worried I couldn't handle his emotions or worries was part of what led to him withdrawing from me and our marriage in the first place. Any advice?

8 comments posted: Monday, January 1st, 2024