Kids being nonchalant?
Has anyone had their teens claim that "this isn't affecting them" but yet have been going through huge life changes since DDay? My oldest child(18) has decided that she's straight and is in a relationship with her brother's best friend(17). While I trust this boy, I'm in utter disbelief that she didn't go deeper into her anxiety instead of jumping headfirst. She's always had her dad on a pedestal, so I expected this shock to make her not trust anyone. Middle child(16) recently broke up with his girlfriend of almost 2 years, (toxic relationship although I liked her as a person, so I'm a bit relieved) and has started talking to someone else. They both insist that it's not affecting them, besides the obvious worries about the both of us...but I'm not sure if this is just normal for their ages or if I need to be worried.
6 comments posted: Tuesday, January 2nd, 2024
Confused and frustrated
October 22nd WH(41) asked me(37) to call in to work because he had something to tell me and it was going to hurt. I called in and then sat down, and he told me he had been seeing someone else (Cow/25) for about a year. It had stopped for a few months while she was dating another Cow, but had started again when she broke up with the other man on Oct 8. OW's ex had found out they were seeing each other and threatened to tell me and he didn't want me finding out that way. He was confused about what he wanted, stated the typical ILYBINILWY. I asked him if he meant he wanted to leave me, got the "I don't know" response. We then tried finding him a place to go, he contacted multiple other Cow that didn't have anywhere for him to stay (OW doesn't have facebook and at that point he didn't even have her phone number). I called our parents (We've been married for 20 years and our parents got married in 2019 to each other) and his dad said he could stay there. I packed his things up and we drove over there, only for his dad to immediately dive into "we need to go home and just work things out". I stated he didn't want to do that, and his dad asked him if he could walk away from her, he said he didn't know. He wouldn't let him stay, so we went back home to continue to try to figure out a place for him to go.
He left for work that night (works a 5 pm to 330 am shift). When I got up in the morning, I asked if he had any luck, and even OW wasn't able to let him stay. I went to work and came home early. I woke him up after thinking for a bit and asked him if he wanted to work on falling back in love. We set up his intake with the VA, so he could get counseling scheduled with them, and set up counseling with a local therapist for me and for marriage counseling. No hysterical bonding, but did have a few talks where he was giving honest answers for what he was sure about, but a lot of "I don't knows" about his feelings. Didn't make it two weeks before I got frustrated at him being distant and getting no effort from him, and calmly talked to him about it. He broke down and said he had been with OW again. I told him that he needed to get a new job or be out by the time I got home in the morning. He asked "what if its someone else at the new job?" I'm guessing I heard from that "I would rather be with anyone than you" than him being terrified to trust himself.
I went to work the next morning and asked him in the afternoon if the kids were ok, he said they were and he had told them all. I asked if he was gone yet, and he said he was in a cab already. Had a panic attack at work, but managed to finish the day. I had assumed he had gone to stay in her car or something. The following Tuesday was what we thought was our first counseling session. I went and picked him up and we went to the appointment, where we were told that we couldn't get couples counseling until we'd had 3 or 4 individuals each. We both argued with the person that we needed immediate help to try to figure out our living situation, and she implied that the next appointment was couples. I didn't realize until later that we didn't schedule and individual session for me, so that should have been an indicator. I took him back to a grocery store where I had picked him up and went home.
We had discussed him coming over to see the kids on Sundays while I was at work, but he asked to do it on Saturday since we both had the day off. Saturday came and I picked him up, and took him to the house, that day I just stayed long enough to see his reunion with the kids and then went to see my mother. Came back home and cooked supper for all of us, and then took him back to the grocery store. Repeat for a few weeks until he got a car, and then he would just come over on his own on Saturdays. Tried the second therapy session, found out it was an individual session, they did let him come in with me, but of course nothing much was accomplished, so we decided to pull over and talk for a while after. Discussed our communication issues and it seemed to be helpful.
At some point in November, I asked him to meet up and talk. It didn't go very well. I asked him about something he had said on Thanksgiving, that he thought his whole family had turned their back on him. I said I know you mean your father, but what else do you mean? The response was "You...you kicked me out". (only point where he hasn't taken accountability I think) He also stated he was in too deep now. (Took that as he was falling in love with her, my therapist mentioned it could mean he doesn't know how to dig himself out) Confirmed she had put a down payment on a car for him, and she had paid for the first week in the hotel for him. I asked him to read a letter before he left for work that he had written me a few months after we got married that basically said we would always compromise and get through everything together. He was crying when he left for work.
After that I stopped reaching out to check on him/chat unless it was about the kids/household issues. Any of those times usually ends up in a little bit of chatting, but there's been no other reaching out on either side.
Usually the Saturdays and holidays that he's here are fairly natural besides the awkwardness of there being no affection, but a few weeks ago I was frustrated and kept going outside by myself to pretty much mope, and he finally came out. I asked him if he really felt I turned my back on him by kicking him out and he said "Not necessarily, no". I said I didn't understand what I did, and he said "I told you, you didn't do anything wrong" I said no, I mean the night before you left, I thought you wanted to go. He kind of just shut down at that point. He then said he wasn't ready to say everything that needed to be said appropriately and for the first time since DDay I cried in front of him, to the point that I lost strength in my legs and he had to hold me up. The rest of the times have been back to normal. He's still staying in the hotel I think, which is right by her apartment. I have no clue what kind of relationship that they have, because he stated she didn't want a relationship, never expected him to leave me, nothing like that.
OW's ex did eventually reach out and that first day we talked for 2 1/2 hours. He mentioned how hard it was to see them together every day. They come in together everyday and take breaks together, because no one else there will speak to them. He said they both look completely miserable and even mentioned a few days ago that they still do. He told me the first time we talked that she had told him about WH while they were dating, that she had gone after a married man specifically because she didn't want a relationship.
I've had a few sessions of therapy and am doing a lot of praying, self help books, reading stories like on here, etc. I'm doing okay, but still pretty firm that I want to work things out. I'm not quite sure if I've completely made that clear to him or not, but if he does try to file I'm going to make couples counseling a condition, for one thing it'll either give me closure or help us work it out, and for another it will ensure he gets the counseling he needs. I can clearly see the things that broke him, and feel as though some things can be fixed and other things can be healed.
27 comments posted: Monday, January 1st, 2024
