Him cheater, me imperfect human and wife/exwife. Four kids together, married 22 years, affair at 16 years, 6 years of struggling to put it back together, divorced 11 years now.
Okay, all you betrayed spouse out there, repeat after me:
"I deserved better!" " I deserve better!" Do this, believe this, and make your decisions from this point. You deserved better. You deserve better. Deep breath, let it out, believe it. As for nthe other half of the relationship, you already decided you deserved better. That’s how you justified everything, so I’m not talking to you. I’m not too awfully worried about your sense of self. But betrayed spouses, whether you stay, you go, you build a new life, you need to really get that in your heart. You deserved better. You deserve better. Stop coming from a place a supplicance, weakness, terror, loss, heartbreak. Come from strength. You deserve love too, you deserve excitement too, you deserve acceptance too. You matter, you always have.
6 comments posted: Wednesday, May 22nd, 2024
Blaming the marriage for the affair
This whole thing in books and on the internet about one spouse cheating on the other because there were problems in the relationship and emphasizing that the betrayed must look at their part in the decaying relationship is really lopsided. Absolutely, you did something wrong in your marriage. You were married. You were human. You had a different personality, a different background, and different needs than the person you formally loved and trusted. You screwed up in some ways for sure. But people, a lot of those problems in your marriage originated with your future cheating spouse, not you. Can we please point the finger a the person who wasn’t all in on the marriage, who wasn’t doing their fair share emotionally or physically, who had f**up attitudes and beliefs, who isolated themselves and cut themselves off from you, who pouted and complained rather than trying to work together. He/she was not a good spouse long before he/she cheated, and rather than looking in the mirror they blamed it all on you and used it as an excuse to break your very sacred relationship. "I tried everything." No, no you didn’t. You tried everything your way. You did not discuss it with me and what I needed and wanted. You were always selfish and self-centered long before your affair.
Let me repeat, if you are a spouse that cheated, you very likely sucked as a spouse long before you cheated. You were very hard to be married to. Stop putting it all on the betrayed. You were a bad bet for a lifetime partner before your affair. You are even worse now. What are you going to do about you??
18 comments posted: Saturday, January 20th, 2024
I give you a Christmas gift
I was where you are 11 years ago. Hurt, rejected, hopeful, struggling to keep my life, struggling not to be divorced. But part of what I was doing was in reaction to the rejection. If I could only love harder, forgive harder, make him love me, I’d be worthy of the love that had been ripped from me. If only he would try harder. But what I totally forgot to ask was if the relationship was really worth the heartache and pain of trying to keep it together. I kept reading books on affairs and reconciliation, books about improving relationships. My gift to you is a different book: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. This isn’t a book about affairs. It is a book that helps you weigh out what was working and not working before the affair. The author gives you a series of questions and then lets you know for people in this situation who stayed, several years in the future they were happy or they were unhappy, or the opposite, people in this situation who left, several years in the future were happy or were regretful. It is a wonderful tool for dealing with the ambivalence and putting some clarity into your feelings.
1 comment posted: Saturday, December 23rd, 2023
Thought exercise
2 comments posted: Thursday, December 21st, 2023
