Where Do I Go From Here?

My WS and I have been in recovery for almost 3 years. In October 2023, I discovered his affair. It was long distance/online-messages, phone calls, etc.-but it was both emotional and sexual.

We spent a long time in counseling. He was doing all the "right" things. Things seemed to be going well. I really thought we were in a better place.

Until yesterday.

I found out that he has sent inappropriate messages to my sister. Yes, MY SISTER. It was mostly bad memes and inappropriate jokes (which I don’t care about), but there were a couple sexual comments thrown in. Apparently this has been going on for months, since at least December. At least once, she told him that the comments made her uncomfortable.

What makes this even more awful is what was happening in my life while this was going on. My dad had major surgery, and I was helping care for him. I was furious with my sister because she barely bothered to visit him, even when he was in the hospital five minutes from where she worked. My WS was the person I leaned on. He comforted me and agreed with me about what an ass my sister was being…while apparently sending her what he now calls "flirty" messages.

My dad died in March. Within a couple of months, my FIL started having serious health problems, and I spent a lot of time helping and visiting him. He passed away in August.

The past year has been incredibly hard, and I’m sure I haven’t been as affectionate or supportive toward my WS as I normally would be. But that is not an excuse. He could have talked to me. We could have gone back to therapy. There were so many better choices available.

Apparently he told her he was drunk when he crossed the lines, and honestly, I don’t doubt it. He is an alcoholic. Not a drink all day alcoholic, but the kind who comes home from work and drinks 10–16 large beers between then and bedtime. And regardless of whether he was drunk or whether he considered the messages "just joking," it’s not ok.

Now he is telling me how sorry he is and how badly he wants to make our marriage work. He says most of the messages were jokes, but he admits he crossed the line a couple of times.

It’s humiliating having to face my sister now. I know this is about his choices and isn’t a reflection of my worth, but I feel like she’s going to think I wasn’t enough for him so he needed more.

I don’t know what to do. I love him. But I told him that if he ever had another affair, I was done. I feel like if I make another attempt at reconciliation, I’m telling him that this is okay. I know this technically wasn’t an affair, but he crossed boundaries. I also may be blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Most of

He keeps asking me what he needs to do to fix this, and I honestly don’t know. I don’t know if this can be fixed, or even if I want to try. But after 30 years together, I’m also not sure I’m ready to give up.

I guess I’m mostly looking to get this off my chest and maybe get some advice. I’ve thought about sharing this site with him, but he would immediately know this post was mine, and I don’t know if that would make things worse.

For now, my intent is to do the 180. I was doing okay with that until he tried to reach out and touch me. I completely lost it and told him that his actions had taken away his right to touch me.

I’m just…lost.

TL;DR: Nearly three years into recovery from my WS’s previous emotional/sexual affair, I discovered he had been sending inappropriate jokes and some sexual messages to my sister for months. He blames being drunk, he is an alcoholic but that isn’t an excuse. I feel betrayed, embarrassed, and inadequate, and I don’t know whether to try reconciling again after 30 years of marriage.

3 comments posted: Wednesday, September 16th, 2026

Letting AP spouse know

My husband had an affair 3 years ago. It was emotional and sexual, though it remained virtual and there was no in-person contact. We went through counseling, reconciled, and have worked hard on our marriage, but I still struggle with the AP’s husband not knowing.

Early on, I wanted to tell him, but I was advised not to. That never fully sat right with me, especially since this was apparently at least her third affair. I still feel like he deserves to know, particularly because this seems to be a pattern for her.

At this point though, I’m wondering if it’s too late to say anything. If not, would an email or text be more appropriate? I don’t think I’d be comfortable with a phone call.

I’m struggling because I think my reasons are twofold:

1. I genuinely think he deserves to know, especially if she’s likely to do this again without concern for how it affects him.
2. Part of me also feels like she shouldn’t be able to repeatedly do this without any consequences.

13 comments posted: Monday, May 25th, 2026