Assertive on the one hand, still in need to talk on the other hand

So, before I went all the way to register, I've read a lot on here. It's obvious that what happened to me, what brings me here, is not original. Same old story for all of us who come and tell their tale of starting the journey.

Among the things that may vary from case to case, I genuinely believed we were both doing our parts in that marriage and there was no trace of bumps nor insatisfaction. Of course we were not perfect, just, there were no signs of the marriage to be suffering. Not only did she never reach out to tell me of any problem we may have, I was also attentive to anything non-verbal that may come from her and I saw nothing but satisfaction for our lives. Well, more exactly, in June she suddenly became distant and rather cold to me out of nowhere. I would later learn though, that by this time her affair had already gone physical, so, too late to claim that something hadn't been right in the marriage.

I was aware all along that we all think it won't happen to us, and yet to some of us it does, so, it was a possibility. I guess, I just, genuinely believed. I've seen a lot of people get married while frankly they were not doing so good as a couple, and why not, married life is part of the culture too. Simply, I believed we had built the right kind of relationship, and were married as married is what was meant for us, the happy versions of us. I'm guessing that part of me is gone. I won't be capable anymore to, genuinely believe.

We don't have kids, which is now a blessing all around, starting for said kids had them existed.

In all honesty, my presence here telling about my situation is a giant self-contradiction. On the one hand, I make decisions, and for the important parts, I'm certain that I am inflexible. On the other hand, I am just too alone in keeping the details of my thoughts. I have friends, yes, but I can't imagine expecting them to read something like what I'm writing now. They're more for more superficial understanding of what I'm going through.

Her AP is her direct supervisor, I will now call him her boss. Married too, with kids them. From what I gather, the affair probably started fast. I'm not sure how long were there flirty dances in person, but when they admitted to each other they were getting into their affair, they went to the hotel beside work, and she was distant from the night she went home that day. Frankly, I suspect it wasn't anywhere near discreet enough that they weren't caught by a handful of coworkers. From there, they were texting love messages and plans for sex, and having sex roughly every other day, still on work hours. A lot of their texting was complaining about their spouses, for being in the way of their plans by being where we're supposed to be, and for what seems to be made up claims. To the best of my knowledge they never had sex in our home but she wishes they could. It's just was involved in checking the neighborhood videosurveillance, and I even often need to come fetch something home without warning, so they'd be too obviously caught. They had sex at the other marital home six times from what I gather. With poor measures against being caught by the kids. They seemed to enjoy that they were betraying spouses and families, rather than show an interest in leaving their marriages to be together.

After a never-seen before coldness of two weeks and complete unwillingness to talk about what's going on creating that coldness, I decided to investigate rather than ask questions. It soon became clear that she was texting any moment she didn't see me around. First it was clear that whoever she was texting, she thought was more deserving than me to know what was going on in our marriage. But with that level of devotion, an affair was the obvious suspect anyway. One may wonder why did I not try and check her phone, especially considering it would have been very easy for me. Well, see, let's imagine for a second that whatever she's doing keeping me in the dark of my own marriage, was *not* betraying me in an affair. In that case using my abilities to check her phone would have been a serious betrayal from me to her. It would have come to that eventually but I couldn't accept the idea before I had tried less invasive techniques. I just followed her to work one day, discreetly. And saw them go to a hotel room for an hour and a half at a time they were clocked in. Technically I don't have pictures of what went on in the room, but I strongly suspect they were not folding cranes to wish their big customer good luck. Being confirmed that she was cheating on me, I went back home to use previously stated ability to check her phone, and I made copies and prints of their entire conversations. Still doing that to this day, albeit there is a lot less volume and it doesn't take much of my time. On that discovery day, I was strangely focused rather than feeling any sort of emotions. I spent the night reading resources on the subject of infidelity and planning to go meet a lawyer to get knowledge of what a divorce would be like. I also packaged my proofs in a comprehensive document that I sent to his wife through various channels I could gather online. I decided I had no right to get my ducks in a row while keeping this other betrayed person in the dark. I invited her to reach out to me if she wished, as well as a couple of personal suggestions, such as when your spouse is accused of cheating by a stranger, and they don't want you to run a text recovery program on your phone, it doesn't show how much they value privacy it shows that the recovered texts would prove their affair.

In the middle of the morning the AP's wife did call me to ask me details about how did I find out and gather the evidence, then asked about my plans. I explained I had no plans so far beside gaining knowledge. However, as I was being betrayed I did not feel like volunteering information to my betrayer, and I would appreciate refraining from informing anyone that I have discovered the affair. At the end of that week AP's wife called me, interested in talking out the entire matter the four of us. I explained to her that I felt no desire nor saw any point in talking anything out with these two betrayers, so that proposal was strongly rejected. Also that I would continue to appreciate refraining from informing her husband that I know. To the best of my knowledge she respected that wish of mine. AP was later kicked out from home and from there seems to have cut affair-like communication with WW. They still talk, but not lovingly at all any more, and much more sparingly. As I wasn't the only betrayed person involved, I had made no plan to inform their workplace. But clearly, OBS did, as they were both fired two months ago.

Lawyer meeting was uneventful. In short, infidelity changes nothing to the terms of divorce, which is still to divide assets 50/50. It typically takes a year of procedures after filing the official initial request. She would be unable to afford the house and I don't feel an attachment to this house, so we would sell it for change money and divide these few coins between us. I'll lose a lot but nothing to do about it. It would have been better for me if WW and AP were going strong as that would have likely meant no alimony.

Ever since, I've lived freely without burdening myself with any obligation I may have towards WW, spending the evening and the night where I want, taking vacations how I want, reclaiming my abandoned hobbies and having fun, seeing my family and friends rather than being home, all without bothering to inform anyone but my closest people. There is no chance by now that she hasn't realized that I know, but I'm not sure when she figures I discovered.

Upon thinking and thinking about what is my life now, I have come to a number of non-changing conclusions in no particular order.

- I can't see anything in R. To me the drawbacks that come with D, are actually more like sunk costs, and in truth drawbacks of the fact that she's abusive.

- I don't love her. I have lived 15 years of a happy romantic story being in love with someone, but she isn't this someone. The situation is that I discovered that the person I love is a fiction. The person I am currently married to is not the person I love nor I've loved. She's an evil abuser who impersonated the person I loved at my expense.

- Even if something changed in the above and I would consider R, she's not enough anymore. What I thought we had was more than enough, but things are different now. If she was able to offer more of what we had when I was happy, that would be a requirement, but not enough. I would now also need to have more time to be free by myself, including but not limited to sleeping with other willing women as I see fit, while she would be considered having done that already and be forever finished with it. I do not believe for a second that it would be an option, but without that, then R is simply not interesting. It would be a worthless life of misery and any other life would be by far much better.

- I can't stay married to her. Marriage ties us legally and means she has legal rights to my bank accounts and to make contracts in my name. I have taken measures so that she can't spend much and would have trouble do anything of importance that involves my liability without my permission. But I can't stay in this arrangement forever. The idea is to not be married when you don't want a person to have that much power over your life.

- I can't stay married to her, but right now this carefree lifestyle when I don't bother doing anything is strangely calming. I'm reconciling with my old hobbies and becoming close friends with new, interesting people, without having to care about anything but the measures that prevent taking all my money.

- I will not take any action towards making anything like that happen, however, as a random observation, I genuinely feel like the world would be better off if she died. No really. I strongly doubt that there would be anything like a feeling of grief nor regret if I were to take a call announcing me of her demise. It would however make things much easier for me and preferable for anyone spared from meeting her in the future.

7 comments posted: Thursday, November 23rd, 2023