Just found out and not sure what to do

I found out earlier this week my husband has had an on-again, off-again affair for the past couple of years, at least 2. I saw some red flags and while he was sleeping I looked at his phone and found evidence of the affair.

The past couple of years have been incredibly difficult. He has been unemployed. He was laid off from his job and has struggled to find another job. We both had COVID at the end of 2020 and we believe he has symptoms of Long COVID. On top of paying all of our bills the past few years, I've paid thousands in doctor's appointments and medical treatments. We have been married for 15 years. I'm 42, and he's 52.

As soon as I found out, I told an attorney friend of mine (an estate attorney, not a divorce attorney) and she said I needed to be careful. The past 10 years, I have faithfully put away money for retirement as well as purchased 3 rental properties with my earned income. My husband hasn't put away retirement funds, and in addition, built up significant credit card debt. We live in California and she said it's all community property, and due to the length of our marriage (15 years), she thinks I could be looking at paying lifetime alimony as well.

On top of the affair betrayal I'm incredibly pissed at how I would get screwed should we get divorced. When we married, he was an ambitious, motivated man on a great career track. He's been laid off several times and tried to start his own businesses, and it's bit him in the ass in his work history and is a huge reason he hasn't been able to find work. We have been talking about moving back to the midwest near our families during this period, since we live in a high cost of living area and I don't want the burden of all the bills, but we haven't done that.

I haven't kicked him out or anything - I have no clue where he would even go. I am already in therapy and I'm going to look into couples therapy. He said he wants to work it out but I don't trust him. I feel like I'm just a meal ticket to him. I think he is genuinely remorseful. He is close with my family and I know he'd be horrified if this got out.

I don't know what to do. I do want to pursue couples therapy but I don't know if I can or want to work past this. I think I could forgive a one-time affair. But this was lengthy and he and his AP were close, communicating on a daily basis, bitching I'm sure about their evil spouses. That really hurts. I don't know that I want to start over, but I also don't know if we can rebuild after all the lies. Just trying to take it a day at a time.

12 comments posted: Sunday, November 26th, 2023