Not Happy Ending

I've been reading everyone's stories and am a bit hesitant to share mine, as it doesn't feel as 'severe'. Please forgive me if this isn't the right forum, but I'm hoping to get any feedback/advice on what I am dealing with.

I have been with my husband for 13 years, married almost 12, no kids. We had what I considered to be a beautiful marriage and bond with complete trust.

This summer, while traveling abroad together, my husband went on a lone side trip to surf. We travel every summer and he does these side surf trips every summer. He returned from this surf trip and we were together for 1 week before he confessed to me that he had gotten a happy ending the week before at a massage parlor in the surf town. We had tried to have sex a few times after he had gotten back, and each time he completely lost his erection, which was never a problem before. He then confessed what he had done, and felt that his guilty conscience was manifesting itself physically by not allowing him to have sex with me.

There were many lies/omissions that came out the week after he confessed in trickle truth fashion:
- He said the masseuse was a "short, squat, middle-aged woman" to convey that she was unattractive, which wasn't truthful. He didn’t find her unattractive/nor really attractive, and conveyed that her looks were not part of his thinking in getting the happy ending.
- He actually signalled that he wanted the happy ending by pulling down his underwear. He initially said the masseuse offered it and he was hesitant to accept.
- He paid for the happy ending but initially told me that he didn’t pay anything extra.
- He initially said there was no touching, then told me several days later that he tried touching the masseuse to strengthen his erection, but she swatted his hand away immediately after he lifted it off the table.
- He says he felt guilty during the happy ending, or was aware that he was doing something wrong because he was justifying it being okay and not telling me. But he then admitted that, in the immediate aftermath of it, he planned to do it again on his annual surf trip. He has since said his intense feelings of guilt when he reunited with me led him to confess to the episode and make him not want to do it again.

We have been communicating about this for endless hours daily for the past 6+ weeks. He has expressed deep remorse, regret, wishes he hadn’t done it, etc. I believe this is the only act of infidelity he has done in our 13 years together, and I believe he will not do anything in this realm again. We are going to start counselling soon, and have shared what he did with our family and friends, who are mostly shocked that he did this at all, because they know his character and see how we are as a couple.

I feel like our marriage and bond are now tarnished, and I see him differently, even though I feel like he’s doing everything in the aftermath to make things better.

Any thoughts/advice are appreciated.

20 comments posted: Saturday, September 16th, 2023