Finally, my first post about my mess.
Hello all, I'm glad I found you.
My DD was in May 2021 and my 2 year anniversary of that terrible day is coming up and I'm lost. I've been with my WH since 2007, M in 2010. We've been through many things like most couples. We built a business together, flipped houses on the side, vacationed in our favorite places, cried and held each other when we thought a Cat 5 was about to end our lives, closed the business due to that storm, rebuilt separate professional lives, and the list goes on.
Then DD happened. He told me that he has been unfaithful, did not have an EA but has been spending thousands in strip clubs for the VIP treatment for the last 7 years and then it escalated in 2020 to massage parlors. Yea...
I'm crushed. I knew things weren't as good as they could've been and maybe I should've seen this coming. I caught him watching porn at about that 7 year mark, something I've never been interested in but I figured most guys do it so don't make a fuss. He understood I was upset and said he would stop but I told him he would only lie about it and for him to do it behind my back like he has been. This ended up making me very self conscious and I could feel myself covering up in front of him in a way I hadn't before. I also spent many nights on the couch feeling like I was "less than" all the other women he was watching. We would fight occasionally but I had no idea how out of hand this would get. I'm devastated by the betrayal and the length of time it was happening. I'm trusting by nature and had absolutely no idea that this was happening. For clarification, my job was demanding but rewarding and I work days, nights, holidays. He also sometimes has to travel and took the opportunity on those trips.
After DD we went to MC where I would scream and he would shut down, our therapist had us change to IC and I also went through EMDR. The EMDR was very painful but helped somewhat. I couldn't bare the thought of going around town and running errands with him for fear that one of his (not sure what to call them) would see me and either laugh or feel pity. I said we have to move. He transferred his job to a town that was closer to family and we sold the house. My job was tied to the location so I decided to focus on my recovery.
Here's what actually happened. I drank too much, slept too little and self-isolated. I journaled and read some books but mostly I missed my old home, my career, my friends, my church, and the town which was where I wanted to live the rest of my life. I put my focus on my children (previous M, we have no kids) and grandchildren and found every excuse to NOT work on me, it was too painful. I kept thinking, if I can just get through this move, just get through this holiday, just get through (insert excuse) then I'll feel better.
I ran out of excuses and found SI. I've quit drinking and had my doctor prescribe an anit-depressant, I'm exercising and have gone through the healing library. My WH has been remorseful, given me all his passwords, texts and calls throughout the day and anything else I may ask of him. He is learning to communicate better as this is something he has had issues with since he was young and is being transparent.
My lingering issues are still having nightmares and bouts with hypervigilance. I cannot find the confidence to initiate intimacy and when we do I will fight off flashes of images that haunt me. I sometimes feel angry about my decision to move and all the things I left behind, which in turn makes me feel some resentment towards him and disappointment in my progress. I haven't started building my career and feel stuck in the fear that I will end up with the long hours again and will end up with the same scenario. I just thought that I would be in a better place mentally by the 2 year mark. It's hard to accept that this is now part of the fabric that is my life. I want so much to post a happy story in the reconciliation form.
I apologize for the long post, it's my third attempt to be brief.
6 comments posted: Saturday, February 18th, 2023
