Numb and Shattered

I got married last summer after being in the relationship for twelve years. The year leading up to that I thought everything was going well.

Ten years ago, I caught him going behind my back and engaging in sexual roleplay with people online after having many conversations where we both agreed that was something that counted as cheating. He even accused me of doing it at times and was very upset at that thought. (I realize now that that was projecting) He did it shortly after a large fight about conversations I had prior to being in the relationship when we had first started getting to know each other as potential partners. He had done it on my computer while I had been sleeping and then saved and sent himself screenshots. I had tried to copy and paste something else and BAM that popped up on my screen instead. I was devastated. I confronted him and he fell apart, about how sorry he was and that it didn’t mean anything I thought he was genuinely emotional/remorseful and everyone I tried talking to about it just shrugged and told me it didn’t really count for much because he wasn’t physically cheating. So, I stayed and tried to work past it, but we never got back to where we were before. Over the years I would sometimes get an off feeling about his behaviors. He’d delete messages from his phone, quickly tab out of anything he was in if he heard me come anywhere close to him. This would then devolve into arguments where he would get upset that he was doing "everything right" and I still wasn’t trusting him. Eventually it got to the point where I just felt there was something wrong with me because that gut feeling accompanied with anxiety and dread would seemingly rise for "no apparent reason." I felt broken because I couldn’t connect with him and had this building resentment that I couldn’t quite identify the source of. Looking back, I see a lot of things he said fed into this belief that the feelings were my fault and that just makes the whole situation more depressing and infuriating.

As time went on, I thought we were rebuilding back to where we were. I started seeing a therapist and untangling an admittedly large tangle of issues that were never addressed from a very unstable dysfunctional childhood. A couple years ago I started catching him in lies. Really stupid benign ones. Like, "I didn’t eat toast today." When I woke up to find the peanut butter jar still open on the counter after he’d left for work. Very annoyed I called him out on this each time. Eventually he had admitted it was a habit from childhood to stay out of trouble. At this point I feel really stupid for not seeing that as a giant red flag, but I suggested therapy to work through it. I tried to be understanding, his family *is* nuts. The first time I visited them I witnessed them all laughing using him as a verbal punching bag and was flabbergasted when he shrugged it off afterwards as, "It’s just how it’s always been." Instead of ever making a move to defend himself. He said, "He didn’t care," that it didn’t bother him.

As preparations for the wedding became more pressing and overwhelming my resentment started growing. I still couldn’t connect with him and his responses towards dredging up "The one time it happened!" were met with accusations of me being unreasonable. His exact words at one point were, "How long are you going to punish me for this!?" I really did feel like it must have been something wrong with me, some developmental deficiency from having really distant parents who evoked feelings of fear more than stability. I caught him looking at porn prior to taking his mother to a wedding dress shopping appointment. Since the beginning of the relationship, he’s been adamant about never looking at porn, "Not his style." That fact always felt off to me because I’ve never mentioned having an issue with porn. He did. He was adamant that such things were beneath him. The lying was a big issue. I should have taken that as some cosmic sign to rethink the wedding, but I didn’t. I thought he was just ashamed, and it had something to do with the whole lying because of childhood issues.

The wedding happened, it was so stressful due to family dynamics on both sides that I just kind of mentally checked out during the whole ceremony and reception. From there the stress didn’t die down. Another family wedding happened that we had to travel for and then a long honeymoon to a place I’ve always wanted to go was tainted with more fights and catching covid halfway through. We talked about getting counseling, I thought things would get better once life slowed down and we could just find a relaxed routine again.

I’m currently in my last year of college for a degree in engineering and I had thought if I crammed my schedule this semester, I would be able to relax and set up a nice job during the next semester. I was only a couple weeks into school directly after the honeymoon and my father suddenly passed away. It had been so sudden there were no plans in place so my siblings and I had to scramble to make arrangements that lead to a whole other host of family drama that could take up its own post somewhere. Stressed and mourning I felt that disconnection between my now husband and I stronger than it had ever been, and the fights got worse. I don’t know why I did it, but when he was out one afternoon I got on his computer and sifted through his emails. Trying to find something, somewhere that would explain why he was feeling so off. I found sexual pictures of him and a couple exes saved in a folder and that was enough to send me over an edge. When confronted he said he had "Forgotten" that they were there. I was on the edge of believing that was an actual possibility and then he used the one line he’s used many many times and I never took him up on before, "You can go through my phone and all my emails, I have nothing to hide." This time, I said fck it, fine. Let’s sit down and go through it together. You could tell he was uneasy with the situation, but he let me. This man had 3 different email accounts. One I had never seen before. My stomach fell and as I started to go through everything, I found pictures of more sexual roleplay. Some as recently as last year. I pointed it out and he balked, "I forgot it was there, that was the one time you caught me!" I pointed to the date and then to the list of at least 10 more emails with screen shots of sexually charged messages. "Okay, but it only happened a couple times BEFORE you caught me." Pointed to the dates again, that’s not possible. "Okay, it happened on and off for a bit after too." Line after line the truth jumped to meet the evidence. I was so enraged by the sheer audacity and stupidity of the situation. "It was never with the same person though! They were all strangers!" Point to evidence to the contrary. I felt so sick and so stupid. How could I not have seen through him? Why did I believe time after time that I was just mentally/emotionally broken and that’s why I couldn’t trust him.?

I moved into the guest room that night, three months ago. I fell apart trying to figure things out. I couldn’t eat or sleep, I would just spend hours going through the email addresses he let me keep access to. Trying to find why I was so stupid or what I did to make someone do that. I stumbled through school, my therapist and close friends suggested I should stick it out because I’m so close and it was the only structure I had left in my life after quitting my job to let him support me while I focused on finishing school. I went no contact as much as I could still living with him and being financially dependent on him. He sought therapy and ended up being diagnosed with a couple personality disorders. I told him I wasn’t going to talk about what happened until after my school semester came to a close because I can’t handle letting him try to walk through "telling me everything." The few times I let him try I would regress into a neurotic mess who couldn’t eat or sleep and I was worried if I pushed my body any further I would end up causing an accident driving to or back from school. "Telling me everything" consisted of circular stories and explanations that wandered off topic into zones of how badly he’s hurt by his own actions. The closest he even got to apologizing unprompted was saying, "I know there is nothing I can say or do to apologize for what I’ve done." He quickly said he was very sorry when I pointed that out.

At the suggestion of someone on reddit’s surviving infidelity sub I got a copy of (no soliciting) and that has opened my eyes to different ways I had successfully been manipulated and helped me get out of a couple self-destructive thought loops trying to figure out how I was to blame for this happening to me.

I agreed to go with him to one of his therapy sessions tomorrow night, though the closer it gets the more I realize I have no idea what I would even say. I feel like I don’t even know who I married. I would breakdown about having a hard time connecting to him after that first DDay and he would just lie to my face about what he was doing, what he did, and was perfectly content to let me take the blame for feeling something was off due to my history. He even admitted that he likely would have not stopped if I hadn’t caught him. He downplays it by saying they weren’t "real people" he was doing things with, just a screen. Even though he knew that the first time I caught him was so hard on me.

I’ve been avoiding him as much as I can. As far as any kind of reconciliation is concerned, I’m not optimistic. If I had any kind of control, I would have moved out even if we did want to try to reconcile just to get some space and not have to live in the same house with him surrounded by wedding décor I kept to give to my sister for her wedding next fall. The amount of disrespect and disregard for the feelings of someone he’s supposedly in love with is soul crushing. I’m not completely dead set against reconciliation, but it would take a miraculous change of character and ringing endorsements from psychological professionals for me to even consider it.

He keeps pointing out that he can’t do anything more than what he’s doing (going to therapy and "Researching" reconciliation after infidelity) but that feels wrong. My gut says he’s just waiting to be told what to do so he can make a big show out of it and convince me to come back and be like we used to be. I’m still hurt and very angry and I have no idea what I’m supposed to say or point out to be helpful in any capacity. At first, I thought, if nothing else, I could get closure. That maybe this professional would be able to translate what I was saying to sink in. Or maybe they would pick up on something that would help on bettering himself. Maybe they would be able to plot on some graph improvements in his thoughts or behaviors. Some concrete explanations beyond the really unhelpful answers I’ve been getting. "I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I shouldn’t have been in a relationship! I couldn’t control it! My needs weren’t being met! I didn’t know how to communicate"

This turned into a more drawn-out rant than I anticipated, but it’s been helpful to put it into words. I guess I’m looking for any kind of advice about the days ahead in handling this therapy meeting and any kind of advice from people who have seen or experienced infidelity of a spouse who has been financially supporting the person they’ve cheated on. I have a close friend who knows everything and would let me couch surf if worse comes to worse, but I’d rather it not come to that if possible. My family lives far away and because it "Wasn’t really cheating", they likely wouldn’t be very understanding of ending of a 6-month-old marriage.

Is there something I could be telling him to do to prove he’s actually changing? Some proof I could look for to show he’s not just a self-centered POS who is only acting in any capacity because he knows how close I am to walking away for good. Are there questions I should ask? Answers or responses to keep a lookout for? Some days I’m much more hopeful, but today I’m just kind of numb and I can’t bring myself to do much. Any help/advice would be appreciated. This person was my world, now any time I look at him I just see this sleazy car salesman type wearing the face of someone I thought really loved and respected me.

19 comments posted: Thursday, December 29th, 2022