14 years and 3 kids weren't worth saving for her apparently

Hi All,

Been lurking for a few days, and I appreciate all of your comments to others- they've helped me out as well to know I'm not alone or singularly experiencing this.

Background:
I (M37) have known my wife (F35) our entire lives. We dated for about a year and have been married for 14 years. They weren't always easy years. We fought at times, called each other names, went through personal traumas and a miscarriage, but we always apologized (kind of- looking back I've noticed that she's never really apologized for anything using pronouns or not adding the words "I'm sorry, but you...") and comforted each other.

For the past several years, I decided to go back to school to better provide for my family. That, along with Covid, working 2-3 jobs at times while studying, watching the kids from infancy to now while she worked 3 days per week, all contributed to a slight lack of attention and affection. Who had time?

D-Day:
I discovered the affair by accident in late October this year- my youngest daughter had my wife's phone watching a movie, then she brought it over to me asking "Who dis?" (she's 3). I saw a shirtless fat man on a text message. I scrolled up, thinking it was a joke pic from one of her works friends, but I saw that my wife had sent this man a shirtless pic (from my aunt's bathroom at a family get-together). After much screaming (mainly from her), she called the police because I "stole" her phone to take screenshots. The police officer came out and said she couldn't do anything since it was just a bad fight. So, I slept in another room.

The following week my wife tried explaining to me that it was "just a friend" and he lived out of state, and she would never do anything like that. I told her to go NC with him, and she complied. I asked to see her phone, which she complied. She had obviously deleted the texts along with EVERY text or messages she had on her phone. Suspicious but okay. She said that she "was the baby of the family and just wanted attention." Fair play, as I said, I had been lacking in that department, but as I had just finished school (and got a way higher paying job that required less time) I was planning on making up for lost time with vacations, date nights, spa days, etc.

I kept thinking it was my fault, then a week later she said that she thinks we need to separate so she can figure some things out. I obliged, because she's my wife- why wouldn't I do that for her? Unfortunately, a few days later, my oldest daughter (12) started crying while I was helping her with her homework. She said that she saw mommy texting another man without a shirt and he kept sending her pictures. I told my daughter that it was probably just friend and not to worry about it. I told my wife of the exchange (big mistake) in the interest of transparency. She exploded on me about how this is all my fault and that I'll never trust her again and my daughter will always think she's texting another man. Somehow, she said that last 8 years were a living hell. What? News to me. The only thing she ever told me was how much she loved me and appreciated everything I did for the family. Apparently, she was "emotionally abused" by our arguments. I asked if her yelling and arguing were abuse too- apparently not in her eyes.

Again, confused I assumed this was all my fault. However, a few days later I stumbled upon more messages from at least 4 men talking about having sex, wanting sex, and sending/receiving pics from my wife. I no longer felt guilty but intense anger. She had been lying to me and was still lying to me.

I decided not to confront her about the new evidence (that would be for my attorney) and pretended to and still pretend to go along with her plan of separation. At first, she was reasonable- split the bills for the kids, we keep our own debt, etc. Then, she started wanting more money, more time with the kids (as opposed to 50/50 split) and refused to comply with simple requests regarding title transfers and cell plan changes.

It was like a switch was flipped and this wasn't my fun loving, kind woman I fell in love with. Just an angry stranger.

She decided to not go on the Disney trip I had planned for us and the kids before D-Day, which did wonders for the children's mental state. She refused to pay for her plane ticket since it was non-refundable. She's been telling everyone that "It just didn't work out" and even told our children that "Yes, mommy did something bad, but daddy needs to work on his anger management issues" (Words from my 7 yr old son- amazing vocabulary he randomly picked up).

I have been sadder than ever in my life. Just drained, humiliated, worthless, and angry all rolled into one nice little ball. I had started to feel a bit better, focusing on the children and my personal well-being. My family has been very supportive, and my father allowed me to live with him for the foreseeable future.

Until last Sunday. She sent me a text asking if she could ask me something without me getting angry or in an argument. Sure. Apparently, she's been dating a guy since 3 weeks after D-Day. Pretty dang fast. I told her I did not want her AP around our children for the time being for everyone's emotional sake. She refused and said she had just met him and who she brings around the children is her business. I fell into a deep pit of despair and cried more than on D-Day. How can someone be so callous? So cold? So uncaring that this is causing someone else massive pain? She even had her lawyer send a custody agreement only allowing me 6 days/month with my kids, after she swore to me that she wouldn't take the children away.

Fortunately, I found this forum and several others across the internet. I've been reading different books on surviving infidelity, which described my WS's behavior to the letter. I have decided to go minimal contact with her unless it's about the children. We have custody mediation soon, and my lawyer is drafting everything to my favor. Going Gray Rock in all communications that have to be shared with her. Best part, she still doesn't know I know about the other men- our lawyers will discuss that fun detail eventually.

So, I've started to view her as a stranger and that my wife I fell in love with is gone. That has helped but most days still suck. So thank you all for helping each other which in turn has helped me. Any advice or suggestions are much appreciated.

13 comments posted: Saturday, December 17th, 2022