D-day: summer 2018Official D-day: 24/10/2022

D-day was 5 days ago

That should really say "official" D-day. I know that these stories all sound the same and everyone here is probably sick of reading about it but I'm feeling so lost and scared right now.

4 years ago my fiancée started an emotional affair with a coworker. It may have gone further I'm not sure yet. She displayed all of the signs of cheating. Vanishing for hours, hiding her phone, changing pins, deleting everything etc. I did some digging and the only proof I got was a couple of flirty messages. I found lots of circumstantial things too.

I confronted her at the time. I had to because she discovered my snooping. And I got made to feel like I was crazy. Denial and gaslighting abound. Everything seemed to die down and my medication kept me numb to the world so I could ignore it all. About a year later there was more suspicion so I confronted her again and got more denial but again everything stopped.

I've been off my medication for months now so I'm not longer in a bubble and on Monday I discovered some suspicious clothing in front of her. She acted suspicious while I was finding it (there was a Christmas present for me next to them so this is her explanation for that behaviour) and gave an explanation for them which was plausible but it still played on my mind. Monday evening I confronted her again and told her that I had found other things that made me know that her denials were lies. I revealed some of these details to get more information and she finally came clean.

She told me that they were sending each other flirty messages and she has felt so guilty and bad for the last 4 years. It only went on for a couple of months and when she'd go out randomly it was to clear her head and cope with the guilt. On one of these trips she just happened to bump into him and they talked for a while. Nothing ever happened on person because it felt weird. He sent her some naked pictures and despite her searching for ways to take naked selfies she says she never sent any back. They both decided to break it off because they wanted to focus on their own relationships.

When she told me, it was just about the flirting and the one time they met up. She explained her guilt and started crying so I had to comfort her. Obviously I love her and I did that but it just feels like I should have been the one being comforted at that moment.

She is not good at opening up and speaking openly about things even with me after being together over 11 years. So our main form of communication about this is via increasingly lengthy WhatsApp messages. She is answering my questions and has given me the whole story (I'm not trusting it is whole yet) and is willing to answer questions where I am seeing inconsistencies. She is explaining her reasons for it all and how bad she feels.

I want to try for reconciliation because I really do love her and if what she has told me is the truth then it's not actually that bad of a betrayal. The main thing that is affecting me about it are the lies and gaslighting. She insists that she wants to try an work it all out too but I am still feeling that if I push too hard or say the wrong thing then she will just give up on us.

I know that this shouldn't be what I am worried about. She betrayed me and I have the control over staying or leaving. But I just have this rage and need to vent and tell her everything that I am feeling. However that would be counterproductive and while I would feel good directly afterwards I would feel much worse than this shortly after that.

She is trying to open up and speak when I talk to her about things that are on my mind but it's a slow process and I don't want to push too hard on that because it is progress after all. I have made a list of my needs and wants from her. I want to go through this list in person when we have space and time to do so. I will explain my reasoning behind each point and she can tell me her feelings even if she has to text that to me. She knows I have the list and has expressed fear that if she forgets to do something on there that it'll push me away but I have explained that if she forgets to do something then it is OK I know it'll be a massive change from her normal life and mistakes are bound to happen.

She has been very supportive this last week and has informed me of things that may cause me distress if I didn't know about them.

Now onto my own issues. In my past I have been in a long term emotionally abusive relationship. It ruined my personality and self confidence. I know that the actions I need to take to feel safe and start trusting her again are going to be very controlling. But I just can't bring myself to do them. I have experienced this level of control and could never inflict it on someone I love even though I know that there is a reason for it.

If you've read all of this then I thank you. Any advice or support would be really appreciated.

27 comments posted: Sunday, October 30th, 2022