2 months since disclosed affair

I don't know the best way to post or even how to articulate all the fog that is my brain.

I guess to start, I (BS/28M) have been with my partner (WS/30F) for 5 years and at the beginning of August she disclosed to me that something happened with someone else. That it happened at a work event out of town, and what I know is that the emotional boundaries were being crossed since December, and the physical affair started in February. As far as I know, it ended at the end of March.. but I haven't dug that far yet to know for sure. I do remember she started therapy around then, but she told me it was to help with her anxiety.

Looking back I could tell something was off, her whole mood took a 180 after that work trip. She would constantly tell me I deserved better and that I would be better off a bachelor. That she didn't know how I even put up with her. She was being more and more distant and it was all out of left field. I vaguely remember trying to talk about it, but she usually shut it down and said she didn't want to and that she was working on it in therapy.

I have been constantly analyzing our relationship over the last five years and trying to figure out why I just didn't dig deeper to help.. but that is where this comes in.. I lost my dad just over a year ago and after she hit me with that eye-opener I realized I have been on autopilot ever since he passed. This past year is a blur. I guess I didn't have the emotional capacity to see the signs or even bring them up. And sadly, I feel like I can honestly say there was part of me that just didn't want to talk about anything.

She has been very apologetic, expressed her intense guilt and shame, told me that none of this is my fault, and has said she will do whatever it takes to get through this together. She quit her job the day after she disclosed the affair and has said she is NC with the AP. My thoughts about the whole affair are different by the hour. It is hard to believe her, and some hours I panic and feel like I don't even know who she is and that my life is a lie.

We started couples therapy last month after a brief time apart, and it has helped me learn to process what is going on. I also started some individual therapy to start digging into the internalized grief I have been holding onto and repressing from losing my father.

I don't know where I am going with this, and it all sounded more coherent in my head until I started typing. I think some shock is still helping me in my composure day to day. I was very close with my dad, so I don't know who else to talk to. I don't want to tell all my friends and family about this because I do want to work this out with her and really don't want everyone we know to have their own opinions about us whenever we get together.. But I lost my best friend and was betrayed by the other...

If you made it this far I appreciate your time, and thank you.

11 comments posted: Saturday, October 8th, 2022