Conflicted about whether to R after DDay-2

Sorry about the long post. Wanted to provide sufficient background.

DDay 1 - March 2021:
I found out that my husband had a physical and emotional affair for 4 months. Physical acts stopped at making out. AP and OBS were our friends for many years - much closer to WH.

March 2021 to early October 2022:
WH was very sorry and wanted a chance to rebuild. We decided to work on healing and the marriage. He agreed to NC which was implemented immediately on DDay-1. He gave me access to his phone whenever. I checked it once in while but did not obsess over it. He messaged me everywhere he went. I was a mess at the start and my emotions were all over the place but overtime, I was getting a little better. There was not much progress in the marriage. At the beginning, he appeared very remorseful but over time he seemed to lose interest, patience and initiative. He kept saying he is trying and is drained. Work was also busy. He did a few IC sessions on and off. On physical intimacy, it stopped at hugs and cuddles. He never kissed me since DDay 1. I initiated intimacy (kissing and beyond) once in Dec-2021 but he said he felt awkward the morning after. He asked for a divorce in Jul-2022 and confessed he still has feelings/ in love with AP and is unable to be physically or emotionally intimate with me due to that. I asked if we could try MC as one last shot as I thought maybe I should have put in more effort in R. He agreed and we were in weekly MC in Aug and Sep-2022. Things seemed to slowly get better as we were finally able to have vulnerable conversations and talk through major communication issues in our marriage during MC.

DDay 2 - early October 2022:
I got to know from OBS that NC was broken in April 2021 (within one month from DDay 1). I confronted WH and he confessed that he met AP several times since April-2021, resumed getting physically involved in Oct-2021 and finally broke it off early Aug-2022 before our first MC session. WH went out with AP to wineries, the beach and dinner a couple of times. Physical acts escalated to sex and they had sex close to 10 times in AP’s car. WH said he did not have the guts to tell me all this in Jul-2022 when he asked for divorce as it would destroy me.

Current living situation:
After DDay 2, I asked for space and WH has been living in a hotel since. I have been trying to follow 180 and cocoon myself as advised in this forum.

WH’s behavior since DDay 2 (Oct 2022)
There has been a sudden shift in WH behavior since DDay 2. He said a big burden of guilt was lifted off from him and he says he has so much clarity on what to do next.
- He is taking full accountability. He says he no longer has any feelings for AP. I have questioned him multiple times as it is hard for me to believe. He is so clear about this and says he wants to be with me
- He is going to IC every week. He has been attending CoDa meetings
- He shares his live location on iPhone
- He lets me know about his whereabouts
- He says he has stopped all contact with AP
- We are visiting his parents and mine in Dec-2022 (pre-planned trip) and he is willing to tell everything to his parents and mine - as I am unable to act normal. Even if my decision is to stay or leave
- He did STD testing as I asked him (not that there has been any physical intimacy whatsoever between us)
- He is so thankful that I suggested MC as he started to realize what he needs to do and then I posted on this forum, after which he started going to IC seriously
- His communication is more empathetic - no blaming, no defensiveness
- He comes home about 1-2 times a week to do his laundry and while here he cleans the whole house and other logistical things etc
- WH seems to sincerely want to be a changed man and says he is learning a lot about himself at IC. He wants one last chance to do the right thing this time
- He so wishes he had this clarity of mind before

Since DDay-2, WH and I have had a couple of in person chats for me to get more details (pain shopping) and understand his whys. We both feel so very sad that our fun innocent relationship has come down to this. He feels so sorry that I have all this pain from his actions. He cried when he told me that he wants me to be happy whether I choose to be him or not.

My situation right now:
Since DDay 2 - a new list of heightened triggers have been added to my list (breaking NC, repeated sexual intercourse, going out with AP to dinners/winery etc, getting me take out from the same restaurant (heights of his sickness), all this while I thought we were trying to R. I have not even been kissed by him since Mar-2021, while he has been banging someone else. I have some on and off struggles with self-esteem but overall I am financially independent, would consider myself attractive, look much younger for my age, a talented dancer, adventurous and fit person in life - I don’t feel any inferiority complex whatsoever with AP but WH behavior has made a big gaping hole in my own self worth. I don’t know if I ll ever be able to get over this disrespect from him. I started weekly IC this month and slowly working on these issues.

My mind has also been very pendulous lately looking at the work WH has been doing. Everything I wanted him to do and say after DDay 1, he is doing it right now. There are moments during the day where I miss the happy times we spent together, I miss the companionship and the laughs. I miss his presence. But I keep telling myself that the person I miss is dead and WH now is some stranger.

There were serious communication issues in our marriage that we always brushed under the carpet. I had a part to play in them as well and I wish we had worked on it earlier. The thought of finding someone else is tiring to me and scary. So I end up thinking maybe I should give R a try again….but when I think about the details from DDay 2, I am overcome with repulsion and utter disbelief of how someone let alone my own partner can be this cruel. To see me suffering since DDay 1 and yet go behind my back for close to 16 months. I trusted him completely on the NC after DDay 1 and he obliterated it. I didn’t even have a clue. I don’t know how to trust anymore. The thought of living with him makes me feel anxious and unsafe that he will do it again (even though his behavior shows he is completely changed). When I wake up the next morning, the whole pendulous cycle (whether to R or not) starts again.

Did my WH have to really go this low to actually understand the damage he has caused and to finally change? If you are in R after DDay 2, is it really worth it? I am so conflicted about giving R a chance again as I feel I don’t have any self respect if I do so.

5 comments posted: Monday, November 28th, 2022

WH says he still has feelings for AP

Hi, I have been silently reading posts on SI for a while. thank you for making me feel less alone.

I am the BW 35 yrs old. My WH is 39 yrs. Both financially independent. We have been married for 8 years. No kids yet. We had communication issues and fights here and there but overall we made each laugh everyday and life was going along. We made a very good looking couple and enjoyed traveling the world.

In 2020, WH and I started working from home and spent almost everyday together for several months. It was fun initially but our fights started to become more frequent. Both of us were not mature or evolved enough to communicate our unmet needs and it was a toxic cycle. But we won’t somehow make up and life went on. During that time, WH had a 4 month emotional and physical affair with a close friend who also happens to be the wife of his close friend.

D day was in Mar-2021 when the AP’s husband found text messages on her phone and let me know. My life since D day has been…for lack of a perfect word - sad and hopeless.

It has been over 1.5 yrs in D-Day and we are in R. WH is NC since DDay. WH is caring. Shares responsibilities in the house. Has consoled me during my breakdowns which were intense and I used to hit myself out of extreme sadness and desperation. He stayed with me through all of that which I appreciate. He Is sorry, remorseful, ashamed….he says he wants to try R and see if we can save the marriage but….he does not take efforts beyond a certain point - which is to make to feel special, wanted, both through words and actions. I have broken down many times asking him why he won’t take any initiatives to start emotional or physical intimacy. He kept on saying he is trying and will do better. In July 2022, he said he couldn’t do what I need him to do as he is drained seeing me breakdown everytime and is unable to get back any feelings for me. He said he is still in love with AP. He kept saying that he has tried to do everything he can and highlighting the fact many times that he went to IC (1 session with A, 2 sessions with B, 3 sessions with C - A,B,C meaning 3 different counselors) to work on this problem but nothing helped and is convinced that it is true love and not limerance. He wanted to divorce.

After hearing about his confession, I was shocked and destroyed. AP and her husband are in R and I don’t know how that is going. After some thought, I asked him to try MC together till the end of the year to see if anything can be saved. He agreed and we are in MC every week since Aug-2022. I have worked on myself to be stronger. I have better control over my emotions and haven’t had any crazy breakdowns in a long time. WH is able to talk to me more than before but the topics are always seem to be logistical no emotional conversations. I have tried to initiate intimacy a few times (hugs, cuddles, kissing etc) in the last 1.5 years in R, he is ok with hugs but said he is not ready or feels awkward when it progressed to more intimacy - kissing and beyond.

I am yearning to be feel something more than the "care". To feel loved and wanted by my partner. I questioned him yesterday as to why he is not able to make efforts beyond a point. He said he has some sort of mental block. I asked him if he has any feelings for me - he said he deeply cares for me. I asked him if he has feelings for AP, he said he still has.

Has anyone faced this sort of a situation where the WH still has feelings or is in love with AP during R? I have a gut feeling this will end in D because I am starting to feel extremely pathetic about myself.

36 comments posted: Wednesday, September 21st, 2022