Husband still in touch with emotional affair partner

Ten years ago my husband seemed unhappy in our marriage and became distant. He’d stay up late on his computer but I didn’t think much of it. We were busy with jobs, kids, life. Later that summer we went on a cruise and seemed to reconnect. He seemed to return to normal. But early the following year he became distant again. Didn’t want to have sex. Seemed angry.

I discovered in July that he was in contact with a girl in Ukraine that he met on a dating website. (She is 30 years younger than him, about the age of our children.) That explained what he had been doing on his computer. They exchanged emails frequently and he FaceTimed with her before work. He was even planning to go see her for two weeks. He was planning to tell me he was at a sporting event in another state that he’s gone to in the past, but would actually be with her in Ukraine. He decided a few days after I found out to cancel the trip. (This was nine years ago.)

I saw an attorney for general information but didn’t pursue a divorce. We muddled through til about Christmastime and I realized he was still in contact with her and I called my attorney again. She couldn’t see me til after a trip we had planned with our kids, and I ended up canceling.
He continued to stay in touch with the Ukrainian girl and sent her money and gifts. A year after I first found out about her, I moved into the guest room because he refused to stop. My plan at that time was to save as much money as I could and then divorce him.

About a year after that I asked him if he was still in contact with her and he became very angry, insisting, "It’s over!" His anger actually scared me, enough that I never brought her up again. Which is probably what he wanted. But his over the top reaction made me feel like he was lying. But I never followed through with divorce. I had a low paying job and didn’t want our children to find out what was going on, even though they were older.

His behavior returned to normal. He seems to love me. We’ve gone on some nice trips. We get along well. But we never talked about "her" and it was never really resolved for me because of that.

He has followed the news of what’s going on in Ukraine closely. He talks about it often. But his friend is never mentioned.

I’ve recently discovered that he’s friends with her and her mother on Facebook. He’s liked photos as recently as four days ago. So now I’m assuming I’ve been a chump all these years and he never stopped contacting her. I feel sure he’s sending money. I also feel sure that, given the extraordinary situation in Ukraine that if I tell him I don’t approve that he’ll think I’m being "mean". How could I be against him helping someone in a war zone? But he has no business even knowing this girl, and if he wants to help Ukraine, there are organizations he can use to send money.

We’ve been married for forty years but he won’t add my name to his bank account. I have no access to it or to his phone. I have no way that I know of to find out the extent of his contact. At this point it isn’t even the girl so much as the lying.

I know I have to talk to him about it. I just can never muster the courage to do it. He has a very strong personality and is very intelligent. I’m very mild mannered and become flustered in any kind of confrontation.

I don’t even know what kind of advice I’m asking for. Maybe an outside perspective to see if this is the big deal I think it is or if I should let it go. I don’t want a divorce, I just want this person out of our lives. But if he’s still involved with her after all this time, and has hidden it so well, it seems unlikely that he’ll actually end it.

7 comments posted: Thursday, August 22nd, 2024