Wife's affair with Ex Fiancé
Whew, here is my story. I summarized it as best I could.
Dday June 2022
I knew something wasn’t right between us. I had previously asked WS about eight days before DD if there was something she needed to tell me or was there somebody else in her life. She looked down and then up to the left, and answered no, and then looked up at me and I knew it was a lie. I asked a few days later, was there something wrong and she told me that she had felt like she walked on eggshells for years and that she had thought about leaving me several times.
She was never the type to come to me and ask to discuss problems in our marriage so I never knew how strongly she felt about problems she held about our marriage.
I ask a third time as she was getting ready for work, if she still loved me and this comment is scarred in my brain, " I don’t know, I don’t know, I’m just so confused, and I don’t want to hurt you". I knew then that we had some serious problems and there was somebody else involved.
After one unsuccessful attempt to access her iPad, I was successful the next day, and for some reason, she left it on and she left for several hours. After poking around, the only place that I found evidence of infidelity was in the deleted photos. I found snapshot pictures between her and another man, her in underwear and him in his underwear, and found snapshots of text between them, saying kissing you and wanting to be held in his arms. She wanted to keep the snapshots but at some point, deleted them. Snapshot pictures of changing username and passwords on her social media, encrypted information but proof of covering her tracks.
The biggest and most crushing item I found was a snapshot of a notepad love letter that expressed her gratefulness for him reaching out on Facebook. How it has been the happiest couple of months of her life and how that she was sorry that she walked out on him and how much that she still loved him and how happy that their lives we’re going to be together. I didn’t know what she meant by walking out on him. That is until I confronted her with the evidence I had of her having at least in a emotional affair.
After getting a first name off of one of the text snapshots, I realized that it was a past boyfriend that we had talked about but I thought was never on her mind. It was someone that she had dated for six years in middle school and high school. After questioning her and many denials she confirmed that it was an ex-boyfriend that she had been communicating with for four months. I learned that this was not just an ex boyfriend but a ex fiancé. She told me that she had never stopped loving him. This meant that during our short engagement, that she still loved him. She never told me about this ex fiancé that she still loved.
During our 27 year marriage this was kept a secret from me. Fast forward to June 24, 2022 The deception was told to me. I don’t think she thought about how I would view this revelation.
Knowing that there was an ex fiancé, 30 years before me and that she still loved him, then 27 years later all he had to do was contact her on Facebook to pick up right where they left off, makes me feel like a placeholder in her life. That all of our married life was a lie.
I stayed with WS for eight nights and denied her access to communication with him and I could tell that it was difficult for her not to do that. I eventually gave up the no contact because I couldn’t watch her all the time, and she could access any of her friends phones to contact him.
It was on July 3 that she asked for separation and the next day she asked for a divorce. She couldn’t deal with my questions about the affair and wanted a divorce. I lost 28 Lbs during those 8 days and was in crisis. She shown no remorse and only said I'm sorry multiple times. They planned their life together, in those 4 months, and WS said they only waited for me to find out before finding a new place.
I was a straying Christian for seven years because of losing two sons and I eventually ask God for forgiveness on June 10th. 14 days later is when I found out about her affair. She didn’t accept my attitude change and thought that it was awkward talking to me while I was trying to ask questions about the affair and what led up to it.
She told me that this ex fiancé, over the 30 year gap had changed into the man she been wanting but he was not that man back then. She was ready now to accept his change and for him to be part of her life. That is the thickest irony that I could’ve ever experienced or have witnessed. His change is fully acceptable but mine is not.
I guess during the four months that she was communicating with him, she had completely fallen out of love with me and completely in love with him. I assume over the years she had steadily fallen out of love with me, but never confronted me about the things that she wanted to change in our marriage. I still don’t know why WS didn’t communicate with me before it was too late. Vows meant nothing to her and working through issues in the marriage were to difficult? I'll never know why I was not worth the time or the marriage was worthless after 27 years.
I also had discovered later by reading text to her friend that their was " in person " contact. She was 45 minutes late getting home that day and said that they only hugged in the parking lot a local hotel. She was late getting home at least six more times in a two month period during this emotional affair / affair contact time. I also learned, OP divorced his wife of 20 years around the time of FB contact, mid Feb 2022. How convenient. WS told me that she knew she was doing something wrong but did it anyway.
There were so many lies that she told during our discussions that I don’t know what to believe anymore but the divorce is filed and should be granted by Sept 1st.
I still have hope that this affair ends and that even after divorce she will have this affair fog lift and she will realize what she’s done. I want my wife back but right now she is lost in a fantasy world that I cannot understand. WS has gone into rewriting history and told me how I couldn't handle money, but funny thing, she NEVER wanted to sit down and go over our budget in 27 years of marriage. All life decisions were discussed but now, as it turns out in her mind, I made ALL the decisions. I controlled everything ( I had to because she was hands off and didn't want to push her wants ).
I believe that she’s in Limerence ( very interesting deep dive on this subject ) and that it might take years for it to work through all the stages, but they could still get married in the meantime. If she does marry him I have no option but to continue on with my life.
So confused and hurt
46 comments posted: Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022
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