2 months out. Just need to talk
I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about this and it’s been killing me. It’s been 2 months now since I discovered my wife had an affair. I noticed a change early last year she was paying attention to her looks more as well as all of a sudden getting intimate with me more often (probably out of guilt) I was naive and didn’t think a whole lot of it besides maybe she was hitting her "peak". I was always tempted to go through her phone but never did. She didn’t know I knew the code but I trusted her and left it alone. So fast forward 9 months we’re on vacation having a nice time she decides to go for a walk with our son when I went to go check my phone on the charger and see hers plugged in instead of mine. Ok she’s away now is my chance I go through it. I check messenger find a dude in there I’ve never heard of before look through the conversation and I see pictures being exchanged and planned meet ups. And then He blocked her only to unblock 2 months later to make sure she wasn’t pregnant then blocked her again. I also saw messages about me saying "I love my life my husband is the only thing I’m bummed on. He says mean and degrading things to me" that hurt worse than anything. I’m the only one that works and I do everything I can for my family.
Have I been perfect? No not at all. Have I said bad things that have stuck with her? Yes I have and I’ve apologized for these things. I was a stressed out dad at those times and regret saying those things. I also drowned my problems in a video game that I focused way too much on instead of focusing on what’s important I can admit that so in a way I do understand why relationship problems happened. I’m not blaming myself or condoning what she did at all but I do recognize that I played a role in things getting to where they were even if I acted how I did out of not feeling appreciated to begin with.
Anyway so I confront her her first reaction is "why are you going through my phone?" Which I thought was ridiculous but then she realized there’s no getting out of it and came clean and has since answered all my questions told me it wasn’t about sex or attraction and that it was someone to talk to at first because she wasn’t getting enough attention from me and because of the way I was making her feel and she only continued it and let it get physical out of fear the other guy would lose interest and stop talking and giving that attention. Part of me feels like she was trying to leave me and quickly figured out I’m better but continued for the attention. The first day she showed a little remorse said sorry which she never has said sorry about anything before. She cried a couple times but nothing crazy. She has also said that I’m forgiven for the things I’ve said and the way I’ve talked to her. She has blocked him and he knows not to reach out anymore. He’s very afraid of retaliation from me so I know that there will be no more contact.
So now, we’re "working" on things and I’ve tried to give her the attention she wants because we have 3 kids together and have been together for 12 years I don’t see throwing away all this history and good memories together for this. I still can’t help but have negative thoughts. I know it’s only been 2 months from the day I found out and it takes time. I can be totally fine and the all of a sudden get triggered and feel down in the dumps about everything. As far as our relationship we do get along well still, somehow we still get intimate and our lives have almost gone on the same as before but with more effort than we were giving before.
I can check her phone anytime and usually do everyday at some point just for positive reassurance. This is something living in my head still and it’s not fun. She has never been an overly affectionate person but she’s trying a little harder now. Also I should say she has said a lot of good things like how she’s happier than she was before and she won’t let anyone get in her head ever again and that me and the kids are what’s most important. I’m trying my best to believe her it’s hard though. She’s a great mom to our kids and has been a good wife up until this happened. She’s given a lot more transparency with her location being on and doesn’t hide her phone when I’m around anymore so I take that as a good sign. The only issue I have is the putting the blame on me. She has said she’s sorry and there’s no excuse for it but when it comes down to it I’m what drove her to that point. That’s hard for me to come to terms with because I know I didn’t make a choice for her.
Side note I used to be a pretty confident guy overall but now I’m an insecure anxious mess. My wife has also always struggled with anxiety. She also grew up watching her mom cheat on her dad so this is something that is maybe normal for her I’m guessing. Makes me wonder if someone like that just can’t be changed. Basically that’s my story, my vent i guess. I haven’t been able to tell one person about it and just need to hear from other that have been through it I guess.
19 comments posted: Saturday, June 4th, 2022