Starting Somewhere

So, I've been browsing the forums for the past several days, just reading about others pain, grief, shame, as well as all sorts of other emotions. I obviously fit into this forum for a reason. Not sure what I'm really hoping to get out of this, other than saying out loud what I've done as I try and work through this. I didn't really find a how-to format for starting this, and I'm not up to speed on all the abbreviations. In fact I have the abbreviations page open as I read, to flip back and forth.

To start, we've been married for almost 24 years, we have an adult daughter who is out of the house. I met my wife when we were both in High School, and we were married shortly after when I was in the military. We were kids when we had our daughter, and life had its challenges as any did, but we made it work. Really through the course of our marriage, I never would have fathomed that sitting here today I would be saying I had an affair, and fell in love with another women during that time.

I've known my affair partner through the agency that we work for, for a little more than six years. We both work in a high risk, high stress career field, in which I have been in for almost as long as I've been married. She is also married for about 7 years now, with her husband who is also in the same line of work. With all of that, we do not all necessarily work in the same location, but it's a relatively small career field that we’re in.

Anyways, about 15 months ago, my conversations with the OW started to develop into more than just work related, or small talk. I'm not exactly sure what my mindset was in during this time regarding my relationship with my wife. She was working around some of her own challenges with her mental health (not an excuse, and not placing blame on this), and quite frankly I guess I was as well. It's always been tough for me to ask for help, and really until the past few years, culturally in my line of work it's always been a hush hush thing. I'm guessing this played a part in me relaxing my guard with the OW, but I honestly am not sure myself anymore. I would say that for a few months before the physical affair, things had progressed to an emotional affair.

Then the physical affair started almost exactly a year from today. It happened one night after a work assignment. A group of us went to dinner, as the others were almost all local to the area we were in. From there I went to my hotel, and she asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink. Drinks during the off hours is a common occurrence in my profession (for context, not an excuse).

We had a drink or two, and then ended up talking until very early in the morning, and then it happened, to where we both ended up cheating on our spouses. I wish I could say that was it, but clearly it wasn't. Things progressed, and we became very involved with one another. I told myself I committed the worst thing I could ever do against my wife, and because of this there was no way my marriage was savable. I made that decision without her having a say in the matter, so I allowed myself to get in deep with the OW. The OW was dealing with her own marriage, and their own problems that we both talked about, but ultimately she became heavily involved as well. We both talked about love, life moving forward when we knew we'd have to face the consequences, and own up to what we've done.

Through the course of the year, the theme is similar as others. Lies, deceit, half-truths, and zero ownership on my part. I had said some things to my wife shortly after the affair started, that really derailed her mindset, and sent the next year into a spiral. We attended counseling together, but I was only doing so to go through the motions. I was not fully participating, and not truly showing up at all, and not having what it took to come clean. She was going through this with not even close to the full information about what was going on.

I tried to end the affair around August, the guilt and what it was doing to my wife weighed on me, even though I felt she didn’t fully know. My AP was physically distraught, and an emotional wreck. I don't believe it was a manipulation tactic, she was just wrecked. Several months into the affair, she had written me a letter (minus the name) about how deep her love was towards me. Her husband found this letter, as he was becoming suspicious, and called us both out on it, which we of course denied and lied about. So I feel that part of her heavy emotional breakdown was due to her having lost her marriage, and now me. This is just my perspective only.

But it didn't end there. The affair continued, physically and emotionally. We continued to talk about what would be next, when we finally decided we would have to own this. Pursuing jobs in closer locations to be with each other, how we would come to be together out in the open, life, and plenty of other things. All while we continued to hurt so many people indirectly involved.

Finally around late December (must have been the holidays) with things very strained, the guilt building, the shame suffocating, and some very tense conversations at home. I finally broke the news to my wife right around the start of the New Year (2022). She knew there was an emotional affair taking place, probably knew the physical affair was going on, but didn't have the confirmation until now. I didn't have the courage to even say this directly to my wife, so I had to write letter to get what I need to say out there. My AP also told her husband about everything the same day as well. I knew my marriage was done for, at least that's what I told myself. I left the house that night, said goodbye to the dog expecting not to see him for a while. But my wife said come home, we need to talk.

The flood of emotions was real. She said she needed time to think about everything, about what she wanted to do next, and to give her some space. I slept in the spare bedroom for a few days, waiting, not sure what was going to happen next. My AP was in a similar boat, but she made the decision to end the marriage, kind of. I know this hurt, I know it was hard, as I was having similar conversations, but she figured she would at least have me to lean on. After about a week, the wife and I had a talk, what did she wish to do moving forward. Her response was she wanted to give me a second chance. Honestly I was taken aback. I had built this narrative in my head that there was no way to recover from this, so I selfishly started to disassociate myself from my spouse and our marriage, and focus the time and the energy into the OW.
So I had a decision to make, walk away, or take this second chance offer. I made the decision to take this second chance, as I felt I owed it to her, to my life, to us, and I still loved my wife. She was okay with me meeting the OW to tell her that relationship was over.

This of course destroyed the OW, but eh, guess that’s what we deserve. But it also destroyed me, seeing the heartache, the pain, the emotional weight this was having on her. I’ve now been complicit in wrecking two people that I cared for, albeit under different circumstances. We talked about the no contact, but since we work for the same agency, same area, similar projects that were ongoing, we just didn’t know how this would be achievable. I told my wife this as well, which I know continued to hurt her. It’s not as simple as the private sector where you can just get another job somewhere without a lengthy process. However, I had already started this process for other reasons, and had a new position offer, same agency, different state, just pending a new clearance and background check, which takes time. Besides deep down inside, I didn’t want to lose the OW from my life. Here I was, trickle truthing I think it is, or still lying to myself and others. I felt ending this relationship was being forced, it was my decision, but it really wasn’t I felt. I couldn’t just turn her off like a light switch, we had become so very involved. We tried to not talk, but again work projects were still there that we would have to discuss, and she was emotionally devastated, and continued to remind me of this, as well as the things we talked about.

Through the course of my marriage, I would routinely be travelling for long amounts of time for about half the year. As recently as 2020 I worked in a different state for four months. We’ve always felt our relationship was pretty resilient in the sense we could handle being away. So with this promotion and change of station, my wife supported it, however she would not be moving as her career was taking off. She felt the opportunity to re-engage in my career would be beneficial, and I believe she also wanted it to happen as it would take me further away from the OW.

So that second chance, you probably saw this coming, but I blew it. About a month after the second chance conversation, I needed to travel to my new duty station to check out housing options, secure some logistics, and check out the new building I would be in. This was all discussed with my wife, and I was a little perplexed she never expressed interest in going. But then I guess I’m not sure why she would want to under the circumstances. The conversations also still continued with the OW, not just about work, but about what I was trying to do with my marriage. The OW was still devastated, she took the leap and discussed ending her marriage with her husband, and I didn’t leap with her. I still cared for her, and still felt terrible about what I did to her, but also felt terrible about what I did to my wife. Regardless, the emotions and selfishness gave in, and I invited the OW with me to go on this trip.

The trip wasn’t just a friends travelling together, we slid right back into what we had been doing before. The physical affair was back in full swing for this trip. We talked a lot, about careers, families, marriages. I told her that this needed to be it, that my decision to try and focus on the marriage was made. I encouraged her to try the same, her husband was willing to work towards possibly reconciling. She felt her marriage was over, but didn’t want to continue to just be the OW, or a mistress. So unless I went through with a divorce, we would be done. No more sneaking around, no more relationships in the shadows.

We made it back home, and the next week was different between myself and the OW. Or conversations were not as emotionally charged, we found ways to not talk much at work, and that following three day weekend we maybe only exchanged 3 or 4 messages. Progress, we were able to say goodbye to each other on our terms, not under "forced" circumstances. We talked early that Monday morning on the phone, she had called to say this weekend she realized that we both needed to focus on our families, and we both felt we had turned the corner on the affair.

Two hours later she called me completely distraught. On a whim she bought a pregnancy test, and it was showing she was pregnant. We had talked early on about this, and after her last child, her insides were a wreck. She had a few surgeries, ovaries were all but dead and non-functioning, and her doctor said she wouldn’t be having any more kids. So that concern was out of the picture. So what the heck was going on? I had to tell the wife. I had to tell her that not only did I fail at the second chance, there’s now the possibility of a kid. The timelines from the doctor, the bloodwork results, all point to that trip we took together.

So where do we go from this point? We wait for confirmation from the doctor. The first appointment was really too early to fully tell, even though the blood results pointed to a pregnancy. The next appointment, yep, there’s a heartbeat. So now we’re about 10 weeks into this pregnancy.

My wife and I have had lengthy talks about what comes next. I’ve had conversations with the OW, and shared them with my wife. The OW is still emotional about things, and now with a baby is even more worried. It’s everything from she doesn’t want me in the babies life, to she needs me to help her raise this kid, and would love for me to be a part of her life still as well. My wife has shared her perspective, and is willing to continue to work on us, and willing to accept the innocent baby as well. She does not want me to write this baby off, and have no contact other than financial support, and frankly I don’t think I could live with myself for doing that anyways. I am not looking to hide from what I did. My wife grew up in a broken home, and knows the impact that can have. She has more character, empathy and compassion then I never knew possible, and I am not deserving of her.

My wife still wants me to make the decision on what I will do. I carry my own guilt and shame for everything that has gone on, for what I’ve done to her. I feel things as simple as the holidays, we’ll both be alone, as its doubtful her family will ever want me around, and who knows what my family will do. Then there’s the guilt that I carry for being complicit in ruining another marriage, which will put the OW into a situation where her housing options are limited due to her duty station, career will be put on hold for a year, and this baby will be in the home state to where I’m not sure how I can help her at all. I hear what my wife has said, but I just feel so terrible at the thought of co-parenting this child, and continuing to bring it into our lives as a constant reminder. I also know that every time I talk to the OW, it’s a slap in the face to my wife.

About two weeks ago my wife said we should take a week apart. I am already working in the other state than she is, but this week apart meant no talking, no communication. She wanted me to figure out what I was going to do. At the end of that week, I told the OW that she needs to realize there is no hope for us, that I am making the decision to try and repair what’s left of my marriage. This of course crushed her all over again, as she felt there might have been hope for us, to raise the baby together. But that’s what we get, more heartache for the sinners. So I’ve talked with my wife, and said I want to focus on us. We talk about the conversations I have with the OW, and I share screenshots of the texts messages, and then she gives me her perspective and thoughts.

But I still cannot get over the guilt that I have, and even the thought of continuing a lifetime of reminders about this affair, any time the child’s name is mentioned, let alone cared for. There’s also the guilt that I have for being a part of the reason the OW is in the situation, in a small town, no housing options, career on hold, to where I feel like I’m abandoning her when she needs the help the most. I know I’ve let her down, I’ve let my wife down, and I’ve let so many other people down who don’t even know yet.

Back in January my wife and I talked about IC for myself, and that I would wait until I get to the new work location, as it only made sense to do it there. So I have reached out through our peer network, found a clinician, and have the first in person appointment in two weeks. We did talk on the phone for about an hour, as she wanted to learn about my situation, and if we might be a good fit. She also asked what I was hoping to achieve by seeing her.

So I guess that’s it, in a down and dirty few pages.

9 comments posted: Monday, April 4th, 2022