Is my wife cheating, please advise
Hello Survivinginfidelity users,
I have come to you to request your opinions regarding the situation I have been in the last 6 months or so. I suspect my wife has been unfaithful and in the following paragraphs will detail as well as I can remember why I believe this. I would like your honest opinions. They will likely influence my actions in the weeks to come so please do not troll me. I am coming to you for help and support as I don't know where else to turn.
This will be full disclosure, some things will probably not put me in the best light, but I think it is important that I be as forthcoming as possible for you to properly assess the situation in order to give me the most honest responses.
First, I will let you know a bit about my wife and myself. We are both in our early 40s but we first met on vacation when we were teens. We were both each other's first love and had a long distance relationship for about 2 years (long distance for teens, only about 150 miles apart). I broke off this relationship to her dismay so that we could both experience normal adolescent relationships instead of being able to see each other every few months for a day.
Neither of us ever really forgot the other and she made a few attempts to rekindle until she got married in her early 20s. I didn't hear from her for 10 years. Then one day out of nowhere she dug me up on Facebook. She was unhappily married and had never forgotten me. Long story short her husband was a very driven guy with a bad case of NPD. He made good money but also made her miserable. It was a few years after my first divorce and not really in a good place emotionally and did nothing to dissuade her. This turned into an emotional affair that lasted a good year before her husband found out. She cut contact for a bit but not long after started talking to me again. He found out again and she cut all contact with me until about 5 years later they finally divorced.
She got back in contact with me at this point. We got together rather quickly after that and within a year were married and expecting. That was 5 years ago and enough relevant background.
Over the next few years there were a few incidents that got me to question her faithfulness that I will not get into here, but a lot of it had to do with her phone usage, notably quickly turning it off when she would hear me coming or turning off what she had been doing as I would appear. I only mention this as it has been an ongoing point of contention and we have had arguments about it in the past where she tells me there is nothing going on and its all in my head. Since these are older issues over which I had very little in the way of evidence, I will not get into them for the time being.
My first clue that something may be amiss caught my attention immediately though I didn't make the connection until a month later. A construction project was turning the area behind our home into a new neighborhood. Prior to that it was a sports field that had been abandonned for a few years. There is only one road leading from our house to the main artery that leads us to the rest of town and sometimes the construction would obstruct it. This led me to having a short conversation with the foreman early on.
One night during dinner, I believe in late September, but it may have been early October, my wife commented in I forget exactly which context that she heard the foreman was an idiot. Right away something didn't seem right about the comment. I asked her where she had heard that. Initially she ignored my question, it was only on the second or third time that I asked that she replied that she had misspoke and meant to say that he seemed like an idiot. Even that comment was out of character for her. This was the main reason I remembered this incident.
At this point construction had been going on over a year and while they had started at the far end of the lot, they were progressively getting closer to our home. The portable office all the workers used as a break room had been moved to about 30 to 40 yards away from our yard with a direct view of our bedroom. A large mound of earth seperates the office from our home at ground level but from the second floor the view is clear. A few months before all this, my wife one day said that we should get some heavy curtains to install in order to preserve our privacy as the crews got closer, since our bedroom overlooks the construction site and until then we only had light curtains not having anyone who could potentially see in, I agreed so I installed a heavy bar to hold them.
A couple weeks after the comment regarding the foreman we are getting prepared for the day. My wife comments that we should get some blur film to put on the window so that you can't see clearly in so as to protect our privacy, I found this odd since I had just installed the curtains a few weeks before. Almost immediately after the comment my wife disrobes, then goes to the window and pulls open the curtains and stretches in front of the now uncovered window practically sticking her breasts against the glass. This being mid October and 7:30 in the morning, its still dark outside. Lights are on in the bedroom. As you can imagine, everything inside can be seen from the outside. I just stand there flabbergasted watching her do this.
The next morning, as we are getting dressed she opens the curtains again. She briefly leaves the room and I look outside and see 5 or 10 guys standing around having coffee in front of the office so I pull the curtains closed again. She returns, goes straight for the window and opens the curtains again, disrobes on the side then goes and stands in front of the window bare breasted for a good 10 to 15 seconds, maybe longer. This time I call her out on it and she answers that we should put up some blurry film on the window. I remind her that is the reason we got the curtains to begin with and she denies that ever having been the reason for installing them (it specifically was and was her idea). She also said something about wanting to let in sunlight (the sun wasn't up yet).
The following Monday (the previous day was Friday) she leaves the curtains closed. Gets ready as normal and I think ok all is well. Day goes normal. She works that afternoon but has the morning off. When she comes home she is going on about how she was hot all day and needs a shower. She also complains of a sore back (she has back problems that are exacerbated by sex). First chance she gets she showers (she almost never showers outside of the morning or evening). She had disrobed in the bedroom leaving her clothes on the bed and I notice her panties are not just soaked but sticky/gooey, with a sperm like texture to them. I had to wash my hands twice to get the smell off.
I know that the following was a bad idea, but at the time I needed to know what would the reaction be on her part. I decide to see what happens if I try for sex. She performs more than willingly, enthusiastically even. As she is giving me oral she does something that in 6 years she had never done. She starts to fondle my testicles. She's also more into the oral than usual. When I go to penetrate her she tells me to be careful as she "hurt herself down there" and was a little sore. Taking into consideration her back problems I try to be as gentle as possible. She will still blame me for her back hurting the next day.
The next morning I setup my phone to record what she does as I shower. As soon as you can hear the water turn on, she walks to the window overlooking the construction site, opens the curtains and window and bends out the window looking off to the side behind our neighbor's house for about 10 or 15 seconds, then sits down on the bed, sends a message on her phone and quickly leaves the room leaving our unprepared son (4 at the time) alone in the room. I get out of the shower and recover my phone and stop the recording. She comes back upstairs from the garage (with a load of dry laundry in basket) several minutes later. I calculated that the whole time spent downstairs between 15 and 20 minutes. There is a rear door from the garage to the back yard and only link fencing behind the house as we had just an open field there since we moved in. I suspect this was another peep show while I was occupado, though more recently I've considered the possibility that she was just collecting the laundry which she sometimes hangs in the yard. When she came back upstairs she asked me if everything was ok, I probably looked flustered. I asked where she was and she said that she had gone to use the downstairs toilet. Keep in mind she almost never uses the toilet longer than 5 minutes at most. This may be a complete nothingburger, or not. In context at the time it seemed significant, but I was not exactly the most level headed that day.
This following part may on the surface seem paranoid, however, a few things had happened over the prior 2 months that had me questionning if she had somehow gotten my phone bugged and was spying on me. I know there are apps and services that claim to do this, so I tried out the following. The next day I type a note on my cellphone saying that I know she is cheating and that I have video of her having sex in our house and that we will not be buying a home together and I will be requesting a divorce if she does not fess up. That afternoon I come home and 2 areas, one in the dining room the other in the bedroom, that are generally heaps of mess even when everything else has been cleaned are strewn all over, partially organized, but nothing else has been straightened. My wife looks like she is seriously out of it. My son tells me that he thinks my wife's mother has died because my wife had been crying a lot. I asked her about her crying and she denied it. At a later time I checked her phone call records and saw that she had spent 90 minutes talking to one of her best friends that morning. They talk a lot, but mostly by message and when on phone it usually isn't more than a half hour or so. Also, never in the morning (I checked their full call history to make sure).
The following day she starts sending me house postings, something that we had been talking about for a while but hadn't started doing seriously. She sets up a series of visits to houses for sale starting that morning and over the next several weeks. Meanwhile she is a borderline wreck. Nothing is being done in the house that I don't do myself. Since I work full time my limited time and energy are insufficient to the task and the house becomes progressively worse. The dining room was unusable for almost a week.
Meanwhile I'm gathering my thoughts and wits to confront her about my suspicions. I write a script and learn it by heart so that I can confront her without losing my train of thought. It takes me about 10 days to work up the nerve.
I also begin to notice a few things I hadn't before. She's started wearing perfume. I don't notice this because she smells like perfume, though one time, I cannot remember when, I noticed her wearing it. I noticed because there was a bottle of perfume in the bathroom that was steadily decreasing in volume. She had maybe worn perfume on 2 or 3 occasions in the previous 6 years. The bottle she was using went down a full centimeter over the course of 2 months. At one point she out of the blue told me that she couldn't wear perfume to work because her patients are often sensitive to odor (she works with newborns and their mothers). By her own statement she was not wearing perfume when going to work, and she wasn't wearing it for me, but she was definitely wearing it a lot. Another thing I noted is that she was doing make up. Not every day but frequently. Until that point she almost never wore makeup, but she was at that time. On a couple occasions she went to work in heels, something else she almost never did up to that point.
During all this time there are a number of instances where I would walk into the room and she would flip her phone closed or close what she is doing (you can see when someone turns a window off or changes the screen they are looking at by the change in color of the light given off from the phone lighting the person's face). On a few occasions this would be accompanied by her staring intently at the phone's desktop but not doing anything. This happened at least a few times a week over this whole period including as many as 3 times in just an hour. There was also a point where I know she was having a rather intense conversation with her 2 closest friends (because I caught a glimpse of the screen while walking by) that I think was related to all this and that I absolutely wanted to read. She left her phone briefly unattended and I was trying to get a hold of it since she was about to shower. She quickly grabbed the phone on the way to the shower and by the time she was asleep the conversation was deleted in its entirety. (Prior to October I had never searched her phone for anything, but by November I was checking it every chance I could get).
In early November I finally get around to confronting her, this is about 2 weeks after the monday incident where she went straight to shower. I've prepared what I am going to say. After we put the kid to sleep I tell her I want to talk and serve us a couple mixed drinks (we drink only occasionally). Short version: I say that I know we are having problems and that I want us to work them out for our sake and the sake of our son. I tell her I know she is cheating, that I cannot allow that, that it hurts me and that I want to understand why. She denies everything. She says she appreciates my concerns and that the way I approached her is ideal but that there is nothing to be said because there is nothing going on. The conversation continues some time but she is not budging. Everything I bring up she dismisses one way or another.
Then make up sex. A week full. Every night. After one of our trists she began to sob and would not tell me why. After pressing her for a long time she told me some (what I think is total bullshit) vague story about her ex husband having been sexually abusive towards the end of their relationship (I know that much is true as it has come up in the past but I didn't believe it was the reason at the time). After another of our sexual encounters she said that it was too bad that I was circumcised, because she finds the foreskin really stimulating (there was extreme stress in her voice when she said this). According to her she has only ever had 2 sexual partners. Her ex husband who was uncircumcised and myself. I found it extremely hard to believe that this would come up at this point in our marriage or that she even remembered the sensations of sex with her ex 6 years later. Then back to regular 2 or 3 times a week for a couple weeks.
I confront her again. More forcefully this time. Saying I know she is not telling me the truth. She is annoyed this time. After a long conversation that borders on argument I start to tell her I had setup a camera when I was in the shower and she got angry for the first time.
Follow another week of makeup sex like the last time. Then back to regular 2 or 3 times a week. Also after this she began to message me over the course of the day via WhatsApp since she can use it on her computer while working. This allowed us to stay in contact more closely over the next months.
Christmas is coming up and I do not want to ruin it for my son so I say nothing more for the next couple months. I decide to go about obtaining as much information as I can I get her phone and download all the information it contains to see if there is anything at all in it. Most of her conversations via WhatsApp are scrubbed, though I did find a couple of gifs that I found suspicious in her sent gifs folder (a feather tickling an eggplant and another rather suggestive image from a show) but no conversations linked to the images. I've seen my wife delete conversations in the past when she thought I was sleeping and I know she has edited her conversations as I have tried to find out who she was talking to and what she was saying at specific times I know she was on the app only to find nothing for that timeframe.
The other big thing I discovered was that there was a search for a hotel on the phone. I am familiar with the hotel in question as it is across from the supermarket we shop at and even closer to the bakery we buy our bread at, in fact directly across the street from the bakery. When I found the search it was open on the screen. I asked her why she was searching for a hotel and she told me she looked into it as a possible venue for a conference she is organizing but had dismissed it as the conference room was not big enough. She is indeed organizing a conference to take place later this year and she was looking into a number of places at the time but my understanding was that the location had already been chosen. That being said, this will be significant in a moment.
I lucked into her google maps history. It showed everywhere she had gone for the past few years. I want to preface this with a caveat however. I did some research into google maps data and the position can easily be thrown off for a number of different reasons and can show someone far away from their actual location if the structures surrounding them bounce the signal. Because of that, I can't take any of what is below at face value. I want you all to consider this when reading. I went over day by day all her movements. I was able to identify and account for all destinations but I noticed a pattern starting in late September and throughout October that was sort of unusual. There were also a couple very unusual routes. I will detail here what I found.
9/25 - At hardware center (similar to home depot) 30 mins. Then 10 mins at the supermarket referenced above across from hotel I will call G Store from here on. 20 minutes home, though it is a 10 minute drive. The 20 minute drive is one of the things that becomes a pattern during this period. Before and after, it is always a 10 minute drive.
9/28 - Goes for a 20 minute drive at 5:50 am that circles around our neighborhood going nowhere in particular, then back home. - I will later ask her about this but recieve no explanation, she doesn't remember doing that. That afternoon, she detours past the Hotel on the way to pick up our son from school which is in the opposite direction.
10/4 - Detours by the G Store after dropping son off at school but doesn't seem to stop to go in. Doesn't answer my text messages for 2 hours (unusual behavior).
10/5 - When I go on my lunch break at work, she is driving by (crazy coincidence? there is actually a good explanation but I found the timing odd since it was right at noon). We go to lunch together and she is seriously off even though normally this should be a good time. Drives to the G Store for quick shopping at 6:37 PM (this could be normal, but fits the devellopping pattern).
10/6 - 6:26 PM Drives to G Store
Nothing out of the ordinary for the next week
10/14 + 10/15 The above described window boob display over the construction site
10/18 - On the morning of the day where she goes straight to shower, after dropping off son she detours to the G Store parking lot but does not leave the car, then comes home.
10/20 - The day I put the note on my phone to see if she would react, she calls me at 6:45 PM maps shows her drive into the hotel parking lot at 7:13 to 7:20 PM. Officially she is at the bakery which is about 100 yards away.
10/21 - She goes to the "Bakery" at 6:36 PM, maps shows her in hotel parking lot across from bakery 24 minute drive.
10/22 - Doesn't answer 2 calls when she is home. Calls me back 5 minutes later but I'm working, I call her back 2 minutes later no answer. Then she calls me 1 minute later.
10/23 - Goes to G Store by way of industrial district (huge detour) and stops 5 minutes at a truck repair station. She returns to that station at least one or 2 more times on later days. Then drive home lasts 54 minutes and drives past the hotel on the way.
10/29 - Maps shows her in hotel parking lot 6:14-6:23 PM, then she goes to a KFC for 10 minutes (this is a popular ride share drop off pick up point because it is at the highway exit).
Following this, nothing until
11/10 - Maps show her all the way across town at another popular drop off pick up point for ride share, then drives straight to the hotel and it shows her in the parking lot for 11 minutes.
Nothing after this until
12/22 - A 22 minute drive to the G Store and another 20 minutes home after leaving the store. This one might be nothing, but she had been acting strange that week (I was off from work) and had tried getting dressed extra nice to go to the G Store when I told her I would go since I needed some air. I believe this is the same day.
12/31 - Gets extra dressed up with makeup and perfume. I ask her why in a WOW babe you planning something special type way. She tells me she just wants our son to have a good memory of the new year. Goes out for an hour (may have been with our son, I can't remember but there is a photo taken of our son at the park she sends at this time), but maps shows her in the hotel parking lot for 8 minutes. Now, I may have actually been with her that time, I remember having gone to the park on new years eve and it was loaded with people because it was actually quite warm that day. This just illustrates my point above about google maps possibly giving false location data. All the hotel parking lot visits may indeed have been trips to the bakery. There are trips to the bakery listed in her maps as well. The main reason I focalized on that location was the search I found and the multiple traces that show her in the parking lot at the same time for the same duration each time.
Now, I confronted her again in January telling her I still thought she cheated and by now she was not very patient telling me this is getting old and that I should see a therapist or something. I told her that I did not tell her everything I knew and then showed her all the trips that show her location in that hotel parking lot. She reluctantly stayed through everything and told me that I was delusional and that there was never anything going on and that she was tired of being accused when she hadn't done anything and didn't really let me finish. She left and went to bed. We didn't make up until the following day. She said something along the lines of she wouldn't leave me for some younger guy or some lady (related to an older infidelity suspicion) and that I had nothing to worry about. She also asked me if I was considering divorce and I didn't answer right away but when I did I said that probably not. She also said one more thing that caught my attention. I'm paraphrasing but she said approximately "Can't you just be satisfied that things are going well now?". The "going well now" part is what caught my attention. It made me feel as if there had been something that had stopped. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it. She also deactivated tracking on google maps a few days later after we made a couple trips to the bakery and one showed her in the parking lot of the hotel. Ever since she occasionally jokes that shes going to have a 5 minute quicky at the hotel. Thing is, I never said I thought she had sex there. The whole time I had the impression she was either picking up or dropping someone off there.
Anyhow, fastforward a couple months and she had 2 sudden big days at work close together during which she completely disappeared from electronic communications. Normally she would shoot me a message every once in a while, or I would at least see her status as being online or having checked it at such and such an hour. Both times she disappeared completely for about 3-4 hours which is not normal for her, even when working. Her maps didn't show her leaving the office, but now my concern is that she is leaving her phone behind so as not to be tracked by the GPS. It happened a third time a couple weeks ago where there was a sudden big day at work. Each time she goes AWOL for 3-4 hours had been between 11:30 and 3:30 and she is usually extremely active on her phone during the 12-2 period. Once again, maybe I'm just worried about nothing. This is why I'd like your opinions.
One final thing. This is the one that led me to decide to post here today. Last Sunday, she said she wasn't feeling well and wanted to lay down and rest, I said ok and took the kid to the living room to watch a movie. At one point he got aggrivated and I had to stop the movie and then popped out to see if my wife could take over for a bit while I take care of a problem that I needed to attend to immediately. When I came in, she had her phone on her lap, she was laying down and I didn't get a great look, but it seemed that she pulled her arms out of under the covers real fast, what I did see was her flipping the covers over her phone so as to hide what was on screen. This immediately set me off. If I hadn't been so furious I might have thought to grab the phone and see what was on screen. I did ask her about it later though. 3 times she gave me slight variations on how she was doing work but wanted to rest her eyes/tired of looking at documents when I came in so covered/turned it off. None of the versions included her covering the screen with the comforter, that is what I saw most clearly, and it seemed a panic response when I saw it. Last night we finally talked about it and she just didn't want to hear it. Tired of being accused etc. Today she was agreeable until this afternoon when she became angry with me over petty things. One specific thing she said was that this morning I slept in (20 minutes longer than usual) instead of getting up to help her do morning things, which she usually does without me. Maybe I'm in the wrong, I don't know.
Ok so have at it people, that is the gist of what there is to say. I may remember additional details at some point but I'm pretty sure I got everything. I know I don't look great in all this, but like I said I want to give my good and bad to give a full idea of where I am so I can have honest feedback, not just an echo chamber of how I am a poor abused spouse. I may be completely wrong, in fact I hope you all think I'm a fucking idiot. But I want to hear it from someone besides her and myself.
63 comments posted: Tuesday, May 10th, 2022
I need advice
I've been lurking on here near a year, trying to see if I could come across anyone's story that might help me out with figuring out my situation.
While in some instances I've seen similarities, some of the situations are very different and I really need some outside opinions as I really still am uncertain if my wife has been unfaithful or not.
I tried posting on another site while I was waiting for approval of my account on this site and I was met with some seriously negative responses that sent me into a long period of self questionning and I was on the verge of giving up trying to figure out if I have been betrayed or not because I was on the verge of depression, something that is really foreign to me.
All this being said, I can't figure out if there is a specific place on here where I can post my story, and I'm also uncertain what level of detail is acceptable in my story, or even if I can post on here.
I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable talking about this with in my life, and although I have searched a lot, I cannot find any better place to ask for advice than here.
If anyone has any suggestions as to where I may seek advice if this is not the place, please let me know.
Thank you for reading this and any and all responses in advance.
20 comments posted: Friday, May 6th, 2022