How to address defensiveness?
I know I have caused the carnage in our marriage and realize I am incredibly defensive about my actions. I never considered myself selfish but I have been able to reflect upon some of the decisions I’ve made prior to the A that I made which served my interests over our relationships. I can understand that many of my decisions were based in fear and to help protect myself but instead have left a lot of damage and lead to me being more closed off to honest and open communication.
Through your recovery journeys, what have you found that has helped you to identify when you are being defensive? Also how have you found ways to help you address and change your gut reaction to defend your integrity/actions? Thank you for all of your help.
9 comments posted: Monday, March 28th, 2022
How did you find your IC?
I’m looking to find an IC and didn’t know if there was a group that others found helpful. Or did you just look up local therapists in your area? How do you find someone who keeps you accountable? I just meet with someone who said, "it’s not even that bad because you didn’t even have sex". I don’t want justification I want to find change.
3 comments posted: Wednesday, February 9th, 2022
BS wants a divorce,
My BH has been asking since we got married just 7 months ago to be a priority. I haven’t been able to see or admit to myself how self absorbed I’ve been until he said that he feels nothing towards me and wants a divorce.
I have finally fully admitted to myself how awful of a person I have been. I had been interacting with a coworker and talking about being intimate, although we never were, the exchanges of intent was clear. I lied about the A for a month before he dragged it out of me and still a week later I couldn’t be totally be honest with him about an inappropriate interaction I had with my AP after Dday (11 days ago) until he asked me what else I was hiding. I am so ashamed and know I have to live with my decisions. He has no reason to trust me. I have sought out marriage therapists but he does not want to meet, I think he doesn’t see the point. I have been paralyzed on how to fix this and haven’t done enough to make him feel I’m worth it. I feel like I lost my way and I can be the woman he feel in love with but I don’t know if the hurt is too deep and how I could possibly make amends. My words are meaningless and hold no weight because I’ve been lying.
Has anyone survived this? I’m looking for any advice. How can I earn back trust?
23 comments posted: Friday, February 4th, 2022
