Event with obs - I hate what I'm doing

One of my AP's was my best friend's husband. Also, my BH's bestie. The story is horrible and so shameful I feel sick thinking about it. I have think about it today as I'm expected to attend her daughters bridal shower. This girl thinks of me as her second mom, and BS as dad - esp now that they are all NC with their dad(AP) and has specifically expressed to her mother that she wants me there for all the wedding stuff. And her mom agreed.

We were a family, we even referred to our tribe with a combined last name (think the Peterson's and the Ford's = Peterford's.) We were going to be bff's until we died. We raised our kids together, I got to be the stay-at-home mom for all 6 while OBS and AP ran their business. As our kids got older our family became the safe place for them and all of their friends. We camped together, spent Christmas day together, and had Sunday dinner for years. We were the 'Peterfords' for 20 years.

About 6 years ago now, everything went to hell. I had a complete breakdown and AP lost his shit as well, about the same time. Our entire world came crashing down, and AP never made it back. He went crazier and crazier eventually becoming estranged from his children and divorced from OBS. I betrayed my friend, my husband and our family in the worst way possible. (God, I just cringe to think that I was literally judgmental of her parenting, so superior was I, while putting all of our children at risk, not just mine. I truly thought I was a great mom!)

I'm supposed to be going to an event tonight with OBS. I am feeling so anxious and sad. I've thought about canceling a hundred times or what excuse I can come up with, but I just don't know the right thing to do.

It's literally happening in a half an hour and I'm so stuck I can't move.

Her daughter is a loving and considerate person, and I spoke to my daughter (they're very close) explaining to her that I won't be participating in any of the wedding stuff that her mom will be attending, I've considered sending a message to OBS directly. I've never apologized and honestly, this is hard to admit but it's only been recently that I have even given my betrayal much thought. I have been in such deep and painful work with BS and our R, and plus, I was just blind. I don't know if it's even believable but I really didn't consider how devastated hurt and betrayed she must be until the last couple of years. (Case in point, maybe four years ago we went to a wedding of one of our kids friends and she avoided me. I was truly baffled as to what her problem was. Ugh.)

I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to cause her one second more pain and there's no way that she can possibly want to see me or be around me. She loves her daughter so much and would do anything for her happiness I just don't think her daughter understands what it is that she's asking of her mother.

I don't know what is going through her mind, but I feel almost outraged on her behalf that I'm still a special and important person to her children - that she has lost her husband and our 'family' and what should have been a loyal and supportive friend through it all.

Shit. 15 minutes now. I just want to cry.

I should have been on here all week talking this through with SI, should have tried to send her a message. I should have tried to talk to her daughter and explain how hard this all might be for her mom, and that making her even tiniest twinge of uncomfortable isn't OK with me.

Why don't I just no show? I don't want to hurt anyone. How do I make the 'rightest' choice in a situation that I can never make right?

Sorry this is such a mess. I don't even know what I'm asking for...

22 comments posted: Saturday, November 12th, 2022

This time is going to be different!!

I've been lurking for a while. This forum has been incredibly helpful. I've benefitted so many times from your collective wisdom and experiences. In spite of the depth and breadth of the anger, sadness, betrayal and trauma represented here, I'm so encouraged by the grace, the genuine desire to help and the bravery shown as well. This place is truly a gold mine.

My story is really complicated. OK no, it's not. it's straight out the cheaters handbook it's just the worst I've seen here. I belong in almost all of the I Can relate forums. I've never been diagnosed with as a SA (and now have no sexual or relational compulsions at all - still struggling with a BUNCH of other shit though) but my behaviors were compulsive, intensely dishonest and absolutely gutting for BS for many many years. My A's started in high school (with BS - but my actual first 'A' was in middle school when I got my boyfriends best friend to crush on me and make out in the stairwell) As far as affairs with extra 'ick factors', I check most of the horrifying add ons, including our oldest child being the result of an A with our best high school friend. (I have been diagnosed with CPTSD and just recently - maybe- BPD. It's tricky because there is a lot of overlap. (also same with ADHD, another area of struggle ) Not terribly relevant anyways as the only reason I care about a 'diagnosis' is to make sure I'm using the most appropriate tool for management and recovery, but also I'm sharing to be authentic and honest about my portrayal of myself and my situation - I'm aware of my approval seeking and the compulsion to edit so others will see me in a sympathetic light. Also, I am an addict, just not sex.)

One reason that I'm posting now is because my BS and I are once again going to do 'something different' to try to bust out of the horrible cycle we're in. We're about 5.5yrs out from the latest D-Day [that A had been over for 20 years, but it was one of the worst (the worst of the double betrayals, the one I was going to carry to my grave) and led to the disclosure of all of the rest, including the most recent AP (also double- had been over for a couple of years at last D-Day)] and a fairly complete breakdown on my part. Breakdown/ breakthrough fortunately - and I began to truly change. not just stop cheating. We had only ever rugswept before last D-Day.

It has been brutal. We are in reconciliation now, but we're both exhausted and really ill. My BS needs so much more than I'm giving him and is still caught in the same emotional flashbacks as in the first year or so after D-Day, often lasting for days. I can point to some really big gains in perspective, healing and growth for both of us, but we are really stuck right now. Unfortunately he married a really sick person who did horrible sick things to him and now needs that sick person to be well enough to help him recover. It's heartbreaking.

Our big move currently is to separate more fully - I spent last night in my RV and will continue to stay out of our room. We've made moves to separate before but haven't been successful (got back together too fast, didn't use our time to work on ourselves, etc)

The plan is #1 to devote our time and energy on self work. We both have massive FOO trauma as well as all the injuries two hurt and dysfunctional people would experience and inflict in a normally dysfunctional relationship AND the most horrific betrayal trauma and subsequent CPTSD for BS. Neither BS or I had a safe place or people in our FOO and when we met (at 16) we fell hard for each other and with such relief to have met our 'safe' person. I became unsafe for him within a year and am still struggling to this day to be a safe partner. It's such a fucking tragedy. He is to his core a good human and deserves peace and to be well. #2 phase is back to affair recovery and establishing I'm safe for him and #3 build a new relationship. We've been jumbling those three goals up really badly for a long time.

The reason I'm posting right this minute, is because I'm going to be doing everything I possibly can to make 'this time' different. I need help. I'm such a fucking mess and he is abandoned over and over again in his struggles because I don't show up in the way he needs me to.

I'm committing to posting here and making my first post right this minute (I've been working on this first post and a thousand other comments in my head for months and months!) even though I don't have time to really dig in right now.

I'll be back and try to get clearer about our story, our current situation, and what I intend to accomplish here at SI.

Right now I'm going to clean the top of our dresser that hasn't been uncovered in probably a year so it looks nice when BS comes into our room, then do a section of the bathroom counter that he uses. Then make mushroom tea and go do Internal Family Systems practice on shrooms in the RV. (Anybody familiar with IFS? So far it's the been the best for me of all the healing/therapies I've ever attempted. It really makes sense to me. I'm currently taking an online 'course' using IFS as well as IC.)

Even if I disappear (totally possible!)and this thread goes nowhere, I want to express my gratitude for all of you who show up. For yourselves, your BS's and to give to others. Thanks beyond words.

Lordy, it's already been 3 hours since I started this post. I haven't finished the dresser or counter or drank tea. Now BS is home, and he invited me to go for a walk. It's true that I need exercise as much as I need air right now, but I honestly don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I just know I want to, so here I go...

13 comments posted: Wednesday, July 6th, 2022