Sex or No Sex? My fault?

My ADHD silver spoon born husband had a full blown affair 30 years ago when I was pregnant with our first child. He didn't stop the affair(despite swearing he had) until I drove him to her house and said Pick One. In the years since then he has from time to time dabbled/immersed himself in nude beaches, interactive porn, chat roulette, web site dating posts, massages with happy endings, tantra massages, having a 25 year later
"Catch up lunch" with his affair partner while I was out of town, gambling via blackjack, buying binges of a new big motorcycle, for example, etc.

I have chosen to stay for a variety of reasons and lead my own life. He and I are cordial & generally don't fight. (I am able to assume he is guilty and remind myself, it is up to me to go or stay if I can't live with his escapade cycle.

He does see a psychiatrist and psychologist for "life and family of origin issues." After a couple of periods where things were good, we tested for STDs (clear), we had a second child and engaged in sex or fun play for the next 20 ish years. This was off and on, but never a fabulous sex life. At age 60, after a dismally failed polygraph asking "about other sexual encounters after your affair," and 2 other similar questions, the polygrapher said he failed each question using multiple scoring methods. I finally gave up on getting to the truth and playing any gotcha games. My motto has been "Do what you want, you're gonna do it anyway." I told him if he want to chat about the reasons for failing the polygraph, then we can discuss sex again.

This has been 3 - 4 years ago. He does not initiate sex or a conversation about sex or our marriage. We are pretty much agreeable roommates. He frequents interactive computer sex sites and masturbates to them. He tells his buddies, "My wife wont have sex" when they all are comparing their 6th decade of sexual activity! My response is threefold: Yes, that's true until you want to discuss the polygraph. (His response always is," I've told you everything & I don't believe in polys.") Second, I ask Have you told your buddies about your history of crazy addictive behavior? And third, WTH are you talking to your buddies about our private life anyway? (We are all friends!). He says all guys talk about it!

I told him the ball is always in his court with sex. Until I feel safe, secure and protected, it just won't happen.

Am I missing anything? Intellectually, I know I am not. I just need others to weigh in to occasionally prop me up and keep me strong!

21 comments posted: Tuesday, March 28th, 2023