Newest Member: Jokeisonme

Jdot

Husband confusing me and feel like I am in self induced limbo

Long story short (I will try)

Both of us 42, one stepdaughter . Together 6 years . Say before Mother’s Day I get the “I love you but am not in love with you “ speech after I noticed he took off his wedding ring . I immediately say I am ready to do the work, he sad he didn’t know if he wanted too. Asked for time away, went to his mom for Mother’s Day and then a week in a hotel. Came back still uncertain and said he wasn’t sure he could love me again but would I give it time.

I started noticing signs of an affair. Changed passwords, weird receipts and a wine cap not from me. A sudden work trip and bachelor party trip (he never slept overnight somewhere without me). Work being super busy. I gave him every opportunity to tell me. He even said the accusation is creating a “trust issue” and he loves and cares only about me.

Fast forward. I find the evidence and it’s worst case scenario. They are “in love”. Took two trips together. Hotel room key cards, cards from her to him and condoms. In his email, a folder for her called “my love”. I finally got it. After 6 weeks of me blaming myself, doing all I could to “fix” what could possible be broken (lost 33 pounds , cleaning , cooking, reduced my work schedule and cancelled work travel , etc .). I discovered my perfect husband was cheating, at first I thought it’s was for just a few months based on evidence. Then discovered she reached out a year ago (they had dated for 2 months) and how she made a mistake choosing her husband over him (she has 2 kids , and she cheated with her current Husband , his wife died 2 years later).

After discovery , he tells me he is a selfish man , never thought of me and our daughter in it, he is in love and doesn’t think that will ever change. I repeated ask if he wants a divorce and he avoids until he finally said fine , if you want to know how I feel right now, then I want a divorce but who knows what the future will bring.

We have been in separate bedrooms since that convo a week ago. I reached out to her husband who was also suspecting something and he finds out she loves him too. It’s been major drama since then , and my husband asked for a “cooling off period” so we just rush into emotional decisions. Now he is saying we should take the “D” word off the table , slow down and assess things logically vs emotionally.

2 nights ago , he called me from the car on his way home and said he knows he needs to fix this. That he is trying to end it but it’s hard because of how bad her husband is and he wants to help her…that he is confused and needs to get away from us both for a while to figure out how he could even do this to me, and our daughter (he fought with me in front of her and answers the AP calls in front of her). That he ruined our lives, destroys people and has destroyed 3 families and is unworthy of me and his daughters love. That he wants to fix himself , and then he knows it’s up to him to “fix himself”. He asked I leave him alone to sort through it all, and he will visit his mom this weekend to try to get his head straight. I do believe him when he said he “self sabotaged” and fears he is like his father , who abandoned him and his family when he was 4 and have had no contact since he was 6. He cried that he feels no joy , even with his daughter, can only think of himself and hopes I can give him time. Meanwhile, he is still in contact with OW though it has slowed down.

He has spent 2 days being cordial, I am honoring his need for Space but I can see he is a broken man

Am I being naive to believe there is a mental health aspect , or is he just buying time for both marriages to fall apart (she is 33 with 2 kids)?

Meanwhile I am in IC and focusing on myself -but am too assumed to go out and be asked about him and fear I will break down. I have never felt this awful in my life and it’s hard to get out of bed

[This message edited by Jdot at 10:47 AM, July 2nd (Friday)]

95 comments posted: Friday, July 2nd, 2021

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