Not able to See New Beginnings

I know this will sound bazaar that my WH cheated first about in 2004. When I caught him, he denied it of course then changed his mind to at least admit that he was talking with someone that lived across the water from us in Canada. He said the night he was caught that he was considering moving to Canada to be with her. I'm wondering why I didn't say, see ya' then. He initiated the relationship again shortly after, with the attitude, nobody is going to tell me what to do. When I confronted him about this again, because I found some messages between the two of them which is how I found out about the second go around, he told me that another gentleman that worked next door had been using his computer and those messages were his. He put the guy on the phone with me because he waned to guy to apologize to me for getting him in trouble with me. I yelled and screamed at this poor guy only to find out after the fact that he just put the guy on the phone and said hey, I'm in trouble with my wife, just let her yell at you for a couple of minutes. If that didn't tell me everything I ever wanted to know, I don't know what would have. But still, 26 years of marriage later, I'm still here. We live like roommates. There hasn't been intimacy in years. Although he did try to initiate some a few months back. I cried. Why today? Why now? There were many nights I would have welcomed his attention and didn't get it. Needless to say that the night he initiated it, I wasn't have it so it didn't happen. Again, why today? Why now? At a calmer moment, I asked him why and he said because he wanted to. Well there were plenty of times I wanted to but because of his cheating, I can't make myself initiate anything. I swear the thing that goes through my mind is, you broke it, you fix it. Mature I know.

On the rare occasion we do talk about things, it's when I'm usually at my wit's end and crying hysterically. Quite sure, that's no way to have a meaningful conversation. At one point, he said let's do counseling. I had suggested it many years ago and he wasn't interested in it. So when he mentioned it, I said sure, you find the counselor. For several weeks, might have even been months, he didn't do anything. When I asked him about it, his response was oh I forgot about it. Which of course, makes me think if it was important to you, I guess you would have remembered right? Well, he did email me several counselor's names and he mentioned one that he liked, I said great. And then nothing. I mean again, you broke it, you fix it is my mantra. Nothing happened after he said I like this one. He never contacted the counselor, never set up an appointment. That was a few years ago.

There I believe is another woman, although he says it's not true. It's his co-worker, who is now his boss. I honestly don't know if there's anything going on or not, but a few incidents happened with her that have made me very uncomfortable. He knows it. Recently he told me that his co-worker's birthday was coming up. Not the co-worker that I thought there's something going on with but another co-worker. Nice young lady. I made a note of it on my calendar and thought I would stop and bring her a "birthday" coffee. Good thing I didn't do it because my day was a little busy because it was actually his boss' birthday, the woman I think he's having something going on with. I asked how was the "not the other woman" her birthday and he said oh, it wasn't her birthday, I said well you told me it was. You know he looked right at me and shrugged his shoulders. I had done some research on her a while back and I totally knew it was her birthday and not the other one's birthday. I knew all along. I thought you would have let me walk in there, knowing I was going to do it, with coffee for the other person, make a fuss over her, embarrass myself only to find out it was the other person's birthday? All I thought was, you are a POS.

Here we are. I can't even say an empty "I love you" any more which I was good at. He says it to me and I don't even respond. Not sure why I just don't walk away at this point in my life. I don't need him financially, I can take care of myself and I know that's a great position for anyone to be in. Why can't I just walk away? I don't think I'm feeling like I don't want to upset my kids, my grandchildren, my family or friends. I honestly don't think it involves any of them but I do know it will effect them. Why can't I do it?

2 comments posted: Saturday, September 17th, 2022