WH agreed to sit down and answer questions
Thank you to everyone who responded to my post yesterday. Today (after 4 months of TT), my WH finally told me he wants to sit down and answer any questions I may have. I have started a list, but I’m wondering if it is wise to ask a lot of these questions since I know the answers will hurt.
Did anyone go through this with their WS? Were there questions you asked that you wish you had skipped over or questions you didn’t ask that you regretted not getting an answer to? I know this may very well be his way of cleaning his conscience, but I’m glad he has finally reached this place...I just don’t know if it’ll help or make things worse for me.
13 comments posted: Thursday, November 26th, 2020
Not sure what to do...
Hi everyone, this is a place I never thought I’d be, but I have been reading posts for a few weeks now and I was hoping getting advice from people who have actually gone through a similar situation would help. Let me give you some background:
I (35F) have been with my WH (35) for 17 years. I was on vacation with my two children in June/July before my WH joined us a few weeks later. While there, I had a gut feeling something was wrong. I had these gut feelings a few times already, but just chalked it up to my grumpiness and overreacting. Well, a night or two after he joined us I went through his phone and found text messages to his brothers where he asked them not to post pictures with his friend and said what happened between brothers, stayed between brothers. He woke up and asked what I was doing and I asked him to explain who he was talking about. To make a long story short, I ended up going to a cousin’s house that night even though he asked me to stay and we fought through texts. I ended up getting into his call logs and saw he was calling a number several times a day for long periods of time, dating back as far as January (that was as far as I could see because the line was in my name before that), He actually got in touch with this woman as soon as I logged into the account (I know because he texted the wrong number, so it showed up on the log).
He swore it was just a friendship, that he felt like I didn’t listen to him anymore and he liked talking to her, even though she was just like another dude, said the friendship wasn’t important and he’d cut off all ties, etc. I never saw another call on his call log, but then other weird stuff started happening: he started blaming me for a lot of things going sour in our marriage, started talking about life with the kids (apparently, I wouldn’t be in the picture anymore), said he just couldn’t get over things I said after “d-day 1” (not sure if I should call it that since I technically didn’t know, but my gut told me it wasn’t anything good), I would see that they were connected on WhatsApp around the same times and even confronted him about it, but of course, everything was “in my head”.
I actually got in touch with the OW three times. One in front of him, one while he was in another room, and another through WhatsApp. She denied having a relationship all three times, although the last one she left it up in the air by saying I should know him and lying and cheating were something she’d never put up with. Anyway, I decided to play into her game and told her I believed her and my husband and thanked her for talking to me.
Fast forward almost a month (October 21, 2020), I start getting private calls during my IC and after ignoring three, she finally calls without blocking her number. We decide to meet and she confesses everything: they met three years ago, she approached him, 6 months later it started with a kiss, soon after they started having sex...at first with condoms, then without. Mind you, she is married with two kids as well, and only moved out of the house she shared with her husband and kids a year ago. Not only that, but all the time he was telling me he cut off all contact and acting like he wanted things to work between us, he was letting her know everything I was doing (found her Pinterest, seeing her other social media accounts, showing her picture to family members), etc. This fueled her to make post directed at me, which I would mention to him and he’d blow off...he even talked shit about her appearance and her stupidity, but she told me when I was away tending to a sister who had a nervous breakdown, he pretended to go into work, left my kids with my parents, and actually went to sleep at her house. She knew things about me I didn’t even know! I had a missed miscarriage over the spring and apparently she knew about every appointment, he told her when I fell down the stairs during the pregnancy, etc. Honestly, I was so hurt not only by the sex I know they had, but more so by all the stuff he talked to her about and all the lies he continued to tell me.
Honestly, he was a great husband before I found this out: he always sent me loving texts, he took me to work, he helped me whenever I needed something for work or otherwise (even when they were time consuming projects), he cooked, he helped around the house, was a loving father, made me feel wanted (although I was struggling with a lot of my own issues, and I can admit his advances weren’t always welcome, so we were probably having sex 4/5 times a month). He NEVER gave me hints that he was truly unhappy...except for seeming disappointed about the sexual advances not being reciprocated.
In hindsight, there were things like being on his phone a lot, slowly drifting away from my family (which he was super close to), going to the bathroom several times a day and taking a long time even if he didn’t go, not leaving his phone charging next to me even if it was low on battery, going to “the gym” a lot, not wanting to commit to buying a house, etc. that honestly should’ve been red flags, but I just chalked it up to either people changing and wanting new things or me overthinking.
Well, after d-day 2 (or the official d-day?), obviously I told him to get the fuck out and I told him I had gotten in touch with my attorney (when things were rocky, I let him know I had reached out to two to see what my rights were), and that he should find one too. Well, when he arrived from work the next morning (the fighting had happened via calls and text because he was working the night his AP came to see me), he went out to look at some apartments and came back with a card from his lawyer—he filed a petition for divorce. He found an apartment, signed the lease, and moved out Sunday (this happened Wednesday night while he was at work/Thursday). I was floored. Yes, I said I wanted one because I was reeling in pain. I couldn’t understand how even after I was so close to finding out, he was still in touch with this woman. Obviously, his coworkers knew about his affair to some degree, she visited him often...or so it seems. I have felt so ashamed, stupid, angry...and yet I don’t want to let him go.
I have told him several times that he can withdraw the petition, that we can try working on this and his response is “I think I have taken our love relationship to a place of no return. It has been 2.5 years of hurt and betrayal”. He has also told me “I am carrying a lot of shit/dirt/baggage/guilt. I don’t know how to deal or proceed, but I know I don’t want to hurt you any further”. He has mentioned missing me and hanging out, but not wanting to confuse me...doing this without the kids knowing because he doesn’t want to get their hopes up and then have things not work out again, how attractive I am, that he knows he fucked things up (because he was horny...he says he wasn’t in love...but after everything, should I even believe him?)...I am even embarrassed to say this weekend I went over to his place and we had sex for the first time in a month (since before his AP confessed). He says he doesn’t want to hurt me and the kids again and I just keep on hearing “I want to be single while I ‘figure myself out’, but I also want to keep you around as a plan B”. Am I wrong in thinking this way? Could he really be so confused by everything that even though I want to reconcile he pushes back?
He managed to piss me off again after I told him our two kids had a rough night Sunday. I told them I wasn’t feeling well and without thinking I said “what if I’m dying and I don’t know it? What would you do?”, to which my son (12) replied “I would kill myself”. Obviously, I was not expecting that response and after I talked to him about it, my daughter (7) started lashing out too...WH blamed it on me for making comments about dying (especially after my daughter’s pet turtle had just died—mind you, she had him for a month and he was over at her dad’s, so it’s not like she saw him often, anyway), but he refused to accept that this lashing out/the comments they make are directly related to them being blindsided by this relationship and him being so okay with leaving. He knows he is entitled to 50:50 parent allocation by the way, and has only kept them one night a week since leaving. This week he committed to two nights even though he could’ve had them FOUR. He texts them in the morning and at night, but I just really feel like he has dropped the ball. My son is so upset with him, we set him up for IC. He always makes comments about him not being trustworthy, breaking our hearts, expecting respect but not giving it to his children, having a better relationship with me, etc., and it’s almost like WH is too dumbfounded right now to even begin repairing their relationship. He thinks buying them everything they want right now is a good start 🙄
Anyway, I know this post is super long, but honestly it is just scratching the surface. I guess I’m wondering, especially if any WS gets through my rant...is it posible that he really is confused or is he just stringing me along by saying he doesn’t know what he wants and then leaving it open to interpretation with the flirting, wanting to hang out, saying we both need a reset, that maybe in the future xyz? I’m just as confused as he says he is, but I guess if he still hasn’t withdrawn his petition for a divorce it’s for a reason, right?
20 comments posted: Wednesday, November 25th, 2020