When do we get closure? A bit of a rant.

Hi everyone, it’s been awhile since I've been here. This is long, but I’m posting it anyway. Kind of a rant.

TLDR; XW and I have been on and off dating over the last couple years. Now a guy has moved in with her after they have been together for about two months. I've got old pain, emotions…etc. Skip to the end for the question.

I need some help. Some real, objective help. Here's the backstory, summarized as much as I could.

My unemployed-by-choice wife (now ex) feel in love with a married man (who lives 2000 miles away) she met on a singing app in 2016. Said he was her 'twin flame' and justified her actions with how bad our marriage was. She met him physically in 2017, late 2017 we tried to reconcile, but eventually in 2018 she moved out. During that time she and I were on-and-off. We really do get along, but it took me a few years to sort the dynamics out. I filed for divorce, and I regret it every day. She wasn't fighting for the marriage like I was, and I thought that it would 'wake her up.'

In 2019 she and I began what you would call dating...but she didn't want to label it. We were sleeping together, and she would often ask me to stay over, but because the teenage kids were home (they lived with me) I would always go home at night. It got weird one night when I dropped by her place with Chinese food, a bottle of wine, and had a good movie ready to go. Shortly after that we had a disagreement - I can't remember what about, but she told me that was it, we were done.

She opened contact with the twin flame guy again. I guess his wife found out again, because later he disappeared, and low and behold, she had a heart to heart with me. Her step father had just passed away, so there was some self reflection. Kind of apologized and explained that although he meant a great deal to her, she realized that it wasn't meant to be.

About two months later, she was moving in with her mom. I helped her move (as did the now over 18 kids). During the setup of a space for her singing, she and I were a little flirty I guess. Her brother (who I am good friends with) must have noticed this because got the heck out of there, and about 20 minutes later she was all over me. Not gonna lie here, I tried to resist knowing that it was a bad idea. So, back to dating again.

She again didn't want to label it, but did ask me "you don't want to get back together, do you?" There was somewhat of an accusing tone, and out of self protection I replied "hell no!" Regret. I should have been honest and open. Of course I did.

A couple of months later we were going to go to a casino for a road trip, but instead we ended up on a road trip to Vermont. I now realize she wanted the casino trip because it's out of her comfort zone and just wanted me to plan it. She wanted me to 'take the lead' and make it all happen. But I thought that we were in a true partnership where we plan together, like when we were first married. Anyway, and when we were at a diner having breakfast, she said something that has always bothered me. She said:

"You're never gonna change."

She told me I was getting all 'starry eyed' and she pulled away, physically and emotionally right then and there.

When we got back we had an argument about our youngest daughter moving into college and how she wanted to be the one to move her in to the dorm as she missed out with the older daughter, but our youngest daughter didn't want her help. I had to be the bad guy and make sure that the XW understood our daughters stance.

I guess my XW wasn't putting in the time to repair the relationship with her kids. Well the XW told me "Just leave me alone, don’t bother calling me or texting me again." And just like that, it was over. I didn't try and call or text. I stayed away.

Weeks later she started 'seeing' a different guy who lived in GA - over the internet - also from the singing app. Eventually she went to meet him there and he ended up following her back home for two weeks. She told me about all of this (don't know why – probably to male me jealous). I sent one simple text: "RED FLAG." After the two weeks he went home, and two months later he passed away by his own hand. There's more to it, but that's not my story to tell.

Eventually her mom sold the house and bought a duplex in town, and rented out the lower half to the XW. I've been over there many times, and we have had many moments where I felt I had to leave. Long stares, reminders of old feelings, and the occasional hug. At the time I knew she was communicating with the twin flame again, but that was a report from one of my now adult kids. They happened to see it by total mistake.

I have ignored texts for days from her, been unavailable to help (except in emergencies) and pretty much happy.

About three months ago, things changed. She no longer wanted a conversation. She dismissed me. You guessed it by now - she was seeing someone. But not anyone...in 2002, when our youngest was almost 2, she had an EA with a coworker that ended up a PA. Difference was then I told her "get it out of your system - just sleep with him and stop talking about him to me." She had expressed it was something she wanted to try and I thought I was being mature. They broke the rule I gave them about protection. It gets so much worse...but we got though it together. And we were stronger for it for a while.

She is now living with this guy. It tore me to pieces all over again. She told my kids it was 'casual.' But....living together. And said he was a friend from high school....but he went to a different high school all together...and I knew him prior to meeting my ex wife... Anyway, now I feel truly replaced. She told my oldest 'don't tell your father, I want to be sensitive of his feelings.' My oldest said "I think that time has passed. He's way over you and probably won't care."

Thing here that gets me is when we were married (also re-dating) I could never get her to do anything fun. I would suggest "let’s go for a walk." Nope. "Let’s go bowling" Nope. "Let’s go out tonight and see what we can find to do." Nope, she wants to stay home. Now? She is out hiking with this guy, going on trips, having a good time.

As I type this out, looking for some sort of comfort, I can see how I have been manipulated over and over. I have been used. She never repaired the relationship with the kids. In fact, she is never there for them.

So why does it hurt so badly all over again? And when will I ever feel whole? It's been 5 years since divorce and I still held onto hope we would get back together. I blew it twice, but did I really blow it? Maybe I’m just jealous? Maybe I feel like II want to ‘win’ the divorce. But deep down, way deep, locked away, I still love he like the day we married, and maybe I regret not having the future we were supposed to have once the kids were all grown up. The time we were going to spend together checking off the bucket list. That’s why we wanted to have kids before 30 anyway…so we could enjoy the adventure of having a family and then adventure again later on in life. I guess maybe I’m still mourning the death of our marriage and what could have been.

How do I get closure?

As for the twinflame guy, well he never left his wife. He was never going to leave his wife and his expensive house, his family, etc. If only I had listened to my Dad, maybe our marriage could have been saved. But sadly my Dad passed in 2021. One of the last things he said to me was "don't give up on it yet Kid. Either way, I'm proud of you. You'll be just fine."

10 comments posted: Sunday, November 10th, 2024