Stuck

November 2017 I confessed to an affair with a coworker. The affair was about 1 year with us having sex 2 times. I gave him total disclosure and have remained no contact since DDay.

We immediately started on the path to reconciliation. I cut off all contact, started working with both a personal therapist as well as a marriage councilor.

I’m proud of the work I’ve done in the past 5 1/2 years— I’m not the same person. I have healthy interactions with men, stopped posting anything online, able to self validate… it’s been a long long journey and I can honestly say I’m proud of who I am today.

My husband is stuck. When I ask him if he is okay… especially during triggering dates… I’m always greeted with yes of course. But then the affair literally always comes up in arguments.
In good times he will brag about how good I’ve been through recovery…
And then we argue and he yells that I haven’t done any work and ultimately pulls the rug under my feet.

He has called me every name in the book, told me that he "knew I was cheating because my vagina felt loose." Last February he lost his temper and shoved me, resulting in a concussion/damaged patella and torn mensicus.
The stories go on and on and I’m at my wits end.

I have worked so hard to right my wrongs, to give space to heal. I have read every book, prayed every prayer. But I can’t handle this one side of the street life anymore. I can’t handle having my past thrown in my face.

I don’t want to throw around the abuse word simply because I know the depths of how I hurt him. I know MY actions were absolutely abusive.

But I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t even want to be around him anymore.

Maybe I’m just venting, maybe I’m looking for a good dose of hard truths.

I would appreciate thoughts/experience/guidance. Im just so so sad.

34 comments posted: Saturday, January 14th, 2023