now what?

I posted the beginning of my story a long time ago if someone wants to have a look at these two posts. The short story: I was blindsided by my Wife’s affair. She eventually stopped the affair, but then we remained ‘stuck’, her not wanting it. I was ready to move on and continue our relationship. After 4 difficult years post affair, we finally called it quits and filed for divorce. She is now dating women (something she never expressed interest in until after the affair).

I could go on with the details (which is a variation on stories read on this site - a midlife crisis and my ex-spouse has become a completely different person), but these are not important to my central question.

My question is, now what? Thinking back to my decision to get married or how I felt our marriage was going before her affair and I don’t see major red flags. I respected my ex, and thought she was an amazing person. She was better than me in so many ways and I very much respected her.

I read my ex’s journal to find the answers that I had been looking for. Why? And what happened? In my case, my ex found a man she was attracted to, this thought entered her mind and she could not displace it from her consciousness. Over a span of two months, she went from devoted wife to an affair and then not able to come back to the marriage.

I often think about what I could have done differently (and being stronger and more forceful in response to her craziness), but I still don’t think this would have helped.

I want to find love again, but I’m looking for a lesson. How does one protect from this? Are there characteristics of someone that makes them more susceptible to affairs? Perhaps this is impossible. But, how does one move on from this? How do you trust someone again knowing that a marriage can fall apart so quickly? How do you bring yourself to a mental state to be vulnerable again?

thanks for reading.

4 comments posted: Sunday, April 24th, 2022