Living and Loving After Betrayal by Steven Stosny
This is a good book for anyone working on the 180. Not too long, easy to read, makes sense. Good advice for healing yourself.
The beginning was interesting. The first few chapters talk about how humans are programmed to feel pain after betrayal. I think the example given is that thousands of years ago, if you were betrayed and kicked out of your tribe, you would basically die. Which explains why you feel like you're going to die when you JFO.
I would recommend this book to those who are either R or D. There are sections for both.
6 comments posted: Tuesday, September 19th, 2017
The New Monogamy
By Tammy Nelson
I picked this up to help with sex issues after the A.
The idea I liked the most was weekly date nights. I think that could be helpful in my situation (feeling disgusted and not wanting to be intimate). I wish it had had more information on how to evade thoughts of the A while trying to be intimate.
I think this book would be good for anyone in an open relationship, like swingers. It has a good way of talking about that. Doesn't apply to me, though.
It also uses a format of discussion that is familiar to anyone who has taken a communications class. Rephrasing and repeating someone else's message, for example. Good for anyone having communication issues, I think.
2 comments posted: Thursday, August 24th, 2017
The Scarlet Letter
By Nathaniel Hawthorne
I read this in grade school. It isn't like I remembered. Let me see if I can sum it up.
Hester is the WS. Her BS is out of town for a few years (captured by Indians or something). She gets pregnant and has to wear the letter A (for "adultery", not "affair") on her chest. The town thought that would be better than killing her, since she had a kid. She refuses to reveal the OP.
Her BS returns, visits her in jail, changes his identity and makes her promise not to tell anyone who he is. He spends the next 7 or so years determining who the OP is (the priest!) so he can torture him mentally. The whole thing is kind of sick and you end up not liking the BS very much.
Hester is penned as being a kind person who does good things for her community. I found that annoying, yet it was satisfying (to me, but prob not to a WS) to hear that the townspeople still looked down on her. I was also glad that the OP basically tortured himself mentally throughout the years. In my mind I was thinking he deserved it.
I wasn't glad that the BS ended up a miserable wretch his whole life, but that's what would really happen if a BS spent all of their time and energy seeking revenge on OP instead of moving on, right?
I finished this a few weeks ago, so I can't remember who died at the end.
2 comments posted: Wednesday, August 23rd, 2017
By Julia Moore
I did not like this book. It has a "man-hating" vibe.
Written by a private investigator, I thought it would have a lot more information regarding how to basically spy on someone. You know, how to use a VAR, what to look for in a cell phone, etc.
But it seemed to me the book was just about the author's opinion of cheaters. Very judgmental. In the end she basically says that anyone who R is weak, has no self-respect and is asking to be cheated on again. She even says something like "he never really loved you anyway".
I found it insulting to both BS's and WS's. Do not recommend.
0 comment posted: Monday, August 14th, 2017
By Dr Phil
I read this because for some reason it is a fixed presence on the left of my screen under the healing library.
It is not about affairs. It's about marriages in general. It has a lot of exercises, like journaling feelings and stuff.
I have always liked Dr Phil. I especially like some of his sayings, they really ring true for me. "You can't change what you don't acknowledge" is a good one. Can't think of others right now.
I didn't particularly find this book helpful though. Maybe because it isn't about affairs, maybe because I get a little tired of his written voice.
There is a chapter that has a section about how well you know your spouse. We went over that together and answered the questions about each other. Things like "if your spouse was driving, can you name what they are listening to".
We both found that fun and were surprised to see we know so much about each other. I think we got almost every question.
1 comment posted: Monday, August 7th, 2017
Essential Guide to Surviving Infidelity
By Liz Curren
This was the first book about infidelity that I read. I found it to be short and to the point. Factual, almost black and white. It was easy to read, when I felt like my brain was broken and it couldn't think.
I read some of the things out loud to WH, and it gave us starting points in conversations.
It didn't feel like a self-help book. I wish it had offered more in the way of advice. But it helped me to see that everything I was feeling (even the weirdest stuff) was normal.
2 comments posted: Monday, August 7th, 2017