Ten Years Ago

Thursday marked 10 years since the night my wife told me she'd had a LTA with my brother.

We were 500 miles apart at the time, as we often were due to my work back then. I would be able to get home about once a month for 4-5 days. That year in May her ex-bff threw her under the bus in an e-mail directed to my wife but accidently on purpose sent to me. In the e-mail ex-bff said what a great friend she was due to never having told me about WW and my brother. So I knew it had happened but let myself get gaslighted for 3 months. I would periodically, without a lot of drama pick away at that b.s. until finally on 8/08/14 she confessed. Though I pretty much knew already, her confession rocketed me into shock, then devastation. We spent hours on the phone the next day, then she asked Saturday night if I wanted her to come to where I was working. I told her to do whatever she wished. So she made the 8 hour drive on Sunday.

In retrospect it was a blessing that I was 500 miles from home. I would never hurt her physically, ever. I can't say the same for my brother. I've always believed that if he'd been 5 miles away when I JFO and not 500 miles away that it would've gone very, very badly for him, and ultimately me. I'd done a lot to help him over the years. Bailed him out of jail only to find out later that he'd tried to give the arresting officer my name instead of his own. When drugs cost him his business and his home and he was hospitalized with terrible injuries after getting set up by a crack smoking prostitute, I rented a storage shelter and moved all his possessions that I could into it. Paid for that for about a year. I'd go to the hospital, literally lift him out of bed into a wheelchair and take him to the 12 step meetings at the hospital. Later when it appeared that he was dealing with his addiction, I helped him get a used car and a house to rent. Paid some utility bills here and there. I remember well him telling me how much I meant to him, that he'd have been lost without me, etc. while unbeknownst to me he was involved with my wife at the very same time. I know. Enabling. And I digress.

Things were beyond tense when she got there on Sunday the 10th.

Instinct (duh!) told me she was leaving a lot out. I got so frustrated, knowing that the only shot we had was real honesty. Eventually I asked to see her phone and she refused. Before long I had taken it out of her hands, at which point she started to walk out. I followed her into the hallway and told her that if she leaves now we're done. She came back. I sat at my desk, going through her texts and call log, going back over a year. At some point during that process as she slumped in a chair a few feet away from me the wall began to come down just a little. I asked a few questions, which she despondently answered. Though she had confessed about my brother the phone made it clear that there were others, though details were minimal.

At some point that night we had gone outside to smoke. I began to ask about the incidents I'd picked up on via her phone. She laid it all out, as well as 2 other men I had no clue about. It hit like real honesty. For the first time I felt like there might be a barely more than a snowball's chance in hell for us to survive this. The next day I asked her to lay out the timeline, her feelings at the time, all of it, leaving the affair with my brother out of it for the time being. As she told me of half a dozen or so ons and fwb incidents and 1 longer EA/PA I had no doubt she was being straight up with me. The story of the affair with my brother, by fair the longest and most intense would prove to be much more problematic.

She stayed with me until the end of the work season roughly 6 weeks later. We got home in late September only to discover that yet another addicted family member had gotten wind of her absence and had broken into our home. He was staying there and had robbed of us of about $20K worth of items that he could sell. Yeah, it was a rough time.

I finally stumbled on SI about 6 months after dday. The wisdom and strength here was invaluable. The education I got helped so much in terms of what to look for, keeping my expectations in line and probably a dozen other ways. I've recommended the site wholeheartedly to others who are experiencing infidelity.

The marriage was strained to the extreme for months. Years I guess. The trickle truth on the A with my brother was brutal. Many times the first couple years I thought I needed to just leave. End it. But over time I saw positive things happening too.

A few days after she'd come to meet me in August 2014 we were in the middle of one of the many long conversations. She was telling me of how she'd hid drinking and smoking weed from me. I'd been clean and sober for about 20 years at this point. I knew she drank or smoked a joint occasionally but never would've imagined that she had a problem, as I did. She didn't show any signs of that for the longest time but somewhere along the line during those 10-11 years I'd been away much of the spring and summer she picked it up. So all of sudden this particular day as she described her drug and alcohol use she came to the realization that she too had a problem. I asked her if she wanted to go to an AA meeting with me that night. She did. From that day on she didn't drink or get high, and became active in AA.

It takes time for the cobwebs to clear. Rigorous self-honesty and willingness must be applied for the steps to begin to work. She took to it like a duck to water. Over time I saw the positive changes that had happened for me many years before. This also inspired me to re-dedicate myself to the 12 step program, which I'd let languish for a few years. The result of that effort in recovery by each of us individually is imo the primary reason the marriage survived. I'm still bummed that she never sought IC but can't deny how much she's grown as a result of recovery.

She never blamed the addiction for her infidelity, nor did her or I blame me. Just the same I began to see, sober or not I was still selfish and self-centered in a myriad of ways. Much of her negative behavior, big and small she began to clean up. She made herself accountable in every way. As she grew with sobriety over the years more and more I would see her making what we call the living amends. Still, I was often struggling with her inability to break down her relationship with my brother in the way she'd been honest and upfront about everything else. Close friends who knew our story told me that I just needed to let that go but I couldn't for the longest time. I still tussle with that from time to time. Most if not all the pertinent details came out at some point in the first 5 years, usually as a result of me digging like a coal miner. It's still a tough one because from day 1 I've felt that to be happy together it would take that level of openness and honesty. That said, in time I became much more accepting of her struggle with guilt and fear over it all, and most of all very grateful for all the positives I've seen along the way.

As we've grown older we help each other through various health problems, mostly her helping me. I'm very proud of the person she's become since that night 10 years ago, and I think she appreciates me a helliuva lot more than before too. Maybe it still crosses my mind most days, usually in a fleeting way. I don't dwell on it anymore. I know it will never be the same, but before Dday we were living in a 30 year fantasy and that's not so good either. Today feels real.

If you made it to the end, thanks. Sorry if I went all over the place. Just felt the need to get it out. Now it's time to spin Buddy Guys' "Ten Years Ago".

Thanks SI.

3 comments posted: Friday, August 9th, 2024

Ten Years Ago

My apologies.

I inadvertently posted my story in JFO when I should've posted in General. It was late and I am half a knucklehead.

I will repost in General, along with my responses to the questions and comments here. Hope that works.

Thanks for the kind and thoughtful feedback.

4 comments posted: Friday, August 9th, 2024