SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was checking the email today. Not snooping - all of our emails show up on my iPad every day.

He has a business account that he uses for business and ordering things, medical stuff, etc.

He has a second account that he uses for talking with friends and relatives. This was the account he used to carry on a lot of communication with her.

I have a business account, and two "throwaway" accounts that I use for Facebook, buying certain things, and on websites that I know will send me piles of junk and spam. I generally don’t give out my business account because I don’t want the spam to have to sort through.

Anyway, today my email showed there were three messages unread. I only saw two on his business account. I had to hunt that third one, which turned out to be in his trash folder.

AP#7 had sent out a group email and included him.

It went to the trash bin and is marked that it was from a blocked email account.

The fact that he blocked her and it automatically went to trash makes this less painful, I admit.

But this AP#7 is insidious. She started connecting with him in exactly this way before. She sent him birthday cards (both electronic and snail mail) to reconnect (they were bandmates in the 70’s and early 80’s). She emailed, called, and texted him. Then she sent him a nude, which kicked off their EA.

She is 75 years old, and trust me, the nude I saw on DDay in 2023 was frightening.

I’m not sure if I should wait and see what he does with this? I don’t even know if he looks at his trash file. I know he hasn’t seen it because he is asleep and it just came in while he was asleep.

I feel like I cannot escape this woman.

5 decades,

A tough spot to find yourself.

Question. Now that you have seen the trashed, unopened email could your motive for not bringing this up with your husband be that you are subconsciously setting up a potential trap? If so, is that the type of ongoing relationship you wish to foster? If not, and it is an innocent situation, wouldn’t it be wise to get that on the table and back into the trashcan where it belongs?

There are no right or wrong answers, just something to consider.

Asterisk

Asterisk,

Right now I’m not asking because he’s sleeping LOL.

I think that yes, I wonder about the "trap" issue. Honestly, I don’t know how long it will take him to even see it in his trash.

Given his long, five decades of avoidant behavior with me, I think I’m wanting to see what he does.

My question is "has he changed" - enough to show me he got that message, enough to open the conversation on his own. I’m wanting to know if his changes are REAL, and not just to pacify me and not have to actually work at changing.

I think I want to get some kind of verification (Reagan-esque).

I know I want to see him come to me on his own, without me having to always be the one to bring this shit up.
I know I want him to show me the email, tell me he’s sorry, and ASK me if I’m okay or triggered.

Do I want to live this way? No. I also didn’t want to wait 48 years before he confessed to an affair I confronted him about in 1978, or even deal with the multiple DDays, trickle truths, avoidance, etc.

I understand and appreciate your situation. We are each placed in roles that we never bargained for. It is an unfairness rarely matched. Betrayeds have to change but then how much of our core personality do we allow ourselves to be diverted from? I sure don’t have a clue what the right answer is. What I do know - it sucks and is frustrating as all-get-out.

Thank you for your honest reply, it made me sit back and ponder what I wrote and how better I could have written it.

I’m in your corner,

Asterisk

He still hasn’t noticed the email in his trash box. Or, if he has, he left it on unread.

I’m still trying to decide what to do.

I don't think people regularly check their email's trash folder, do they?

I check my work junk/spam every day. Potential clients and unknown emails go in there all the time. But the trash (at least in my email) has to be put there, ie knowingly pressed delete, opened or not. I would want my WW to tell me they tried at least.

Gemmy ( member #86765) posted at 12:16 PM on Friday, July 31st, 2026

I check my work junk/spam every day. Potential clients and unknown emails go in there all the time. But the trash (at least in my email) has to be put there, ie knowingly pressed delete, opened or not. I would want my WW to tell me they tried at least.

That's a good point Gemmy, however,

5Decades posted

It went to the trash bin and is marked that it was from a blocked email account.

The fact that he blocked her and it automatically went to trash makes this less painful, I admit.

I'm not sure how blocked emails work, but based on what 5Decades is saying it sounds like they automatically go straight to the trash bin. Maybe someone else can clarify for us.

Gmail says:

Learn what happens after you block someone

-After you block a sender, all future emails from them go to Spam.

-When you unblock a sender, all future emails from them go to your inbox. If their emails still don’t arrive in your inbox, learn how to fix issues with valid emails in Spam.

-If you get frequent promotional emails and newsletter, but don’t want to block the sender, unsubscribe from the email.

Outlook says:

You can block messages from specific email addresses or domains from reaching your inbox. When you add an email address or domain to your blocked senders list, Outlook automatically moves messages from that sender to the Junk Email folder

Don't know about any other email sites/systems, but if he's using one of those two and she's blocked, it would appear he either blocked her after receiving that email without opening it, and then deleted the email, or he blocked her prior to receiving it and deleted it from his spam/junk folder, sending it to the trash without opening it (could possibly have just been a "delete all" sort of purging from the junk/spam folder. Are there other junk/spam emails there from the same date?)

Either way, I think the optimal move would have been to say to you that she's still trying to reach out and that he's blocking her so it doesn't continue to be a problem.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 7:58 PM, Friday, July 31st]

He blocked her prior to this email arriving.

I know because he was asleep when it came through. I am positive of this, because I got notified of three unread emails, and two were to my personal account. I had to search for this one because there are five accounts I have that show up on my computer.

He’s not very tech savvy.

I decided to talk with him about this. He had not seen it. He asked me what was in it, and I told him that it went out to a group of people and he was in the list.

He was very honest about this. He had no idea. And he has not read nor opened the email, still. He said he doesn’t want to know anything from her, and is not interested.

They were bandmates many years ago, and wrote music together back in the day. This email had a song attached, and was the purpose of the email. She said something like "here’s my song" and "glad all of you are in my life". That was it, only a couple sentences.

When I told him there was a song, he said he didn’t care what she sent, he wants nothing to do with her. Then he joked "unless it’s a good song" and smiled at me. It’s his sense of humor, and he meant nothing by it. He held me, apologized, and was definitely sincere.

I think she is trying to get back in. I think he is really done with her, especially after our conversation today.

He asked me if there’s any way to completely prevent anything she sends from even showing up. I’m not sure, and appreciate the comments about this. I always though "blocked" meant it didn’t get through, but apparently it means goes to the trash folder and you still get notifications on it.

I plan to look at how to completely prevent this in the future. I’m on apple products, so not sure if that makes any difference.

GotTheMorbs,

There are only 4 items in the trash. This is about right, because he doesn’t use this account much and doesn’t put it online on websites. It’s just for his friends, which is why she had the address.

He hasn’t seen it at all, and even after I told him it was there he hasn’t even looked at it. He asked me how to delete it entirely- he isn’t the tech wizard of the century.

I plan to see what I can do to stop her attempts.

Well that is good news, right?