SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone. My story is a bit of an unusual one, I hope this is the right place.

My husband and I were married in 2009, we have three children. I found out three weeks ago that he has been having an affair with my best friend (who I will refer to as OW) for six years.

In 2018 I met OW, we spent a lot of time together as my youngest child was of a similar age to her eldest. In 2019 we introduced our husband's to each other and they immediately hit it off, this meant that we spent even more time together as families.

At some point in 2020, just after the birth of my OW's second child, my husband added her on social media and they began chatting. All through the first Covid lockdown their messaging increased, turning into an EA and when lockdown came to an end, their PA began quickly and has continued ever since.

Unware of this, towards the end of 2020 I became uncomfortable with my husband's behaviour around OW. I felt they were flirting and I raised it with him several times into the early months of 2021. To start with, I was met with flat out denial and heavy gaslighting, he called me delusional. At one point, while comforting me because I was crying, he offered to come with me to the doctor's to get some medication for my 'anxiety'.
I didn't back down from my insistence that my boundaries were being crossed so he changed tactic, he admitted he was flirting because he enjoyed the attention and promised he would stop. It certainly cooled off but I still couldn't shake the feeling something was wrong.
As a result of this I pulled away from the friendship group pretty hard, I found it too difficult to see them together. I isolated myself, I spent evenings in my bedroom instead of downstairs with my husband and our marriage became strained.

In May 2022 my husband told me that he was unhappy in our marriage and he was considering divorce. We talked a lot about the problems we were having, he said he felt that he was the only one making an effort and that I had abandoned him emotionally in the marriage. We agreed to work on things and things improved for a while but I was still experiencing a lot of 'anxiety' that I couldn't explain. Anxiety isn't really the right word, I could sense something was 'off' but I couldn't (or didn't want to) figure out what.

Towards the end of 2022 I felt a change in him and the emotional distance grew again. In January 2023 he asked me for a divorce. That year was hell, he stayed in the house flip flopping on whether or not he wanted to leave. Sometimes he would sleep downstairs for months at a time. He was never violent but his anger was loud and unpredictable, he would swing from angry to sad silence every few days. When he was angry he blamed me for everything, telling me I had been an awful wife and nothing I could do now would make a difference. When he was withdrawn and sad he would sometimes sleep upstairs again and we would reconnect with sex and intimacy but it was always quickly followed with more anger and arguing.
I went into IC at the start of 2023 and it helped me prepare for the end of our marriage, I did a lot of hard work and found it healing. I relied pretty heavily on OW for emotional support during this time and my husband's friendship with OBS deepened, they became very close.

In early 2024 during a discussion about our situation, I asked again if my husband's behaviour was due to cheating. He gave me his phone and told me to check it. I found nothing but just as I was about to hand it back, something made me check his WhatsApp chat with OW. The amount of messages was overwhelming. I didn't sit and read everything, there was too much. I scrolled and scrolled, checking to see if the messages went as far back as my suspicions in 2020. They did. Every time I stopped scrolling to read something, it wasn't damning evidence of an affair but over the line banter. I handed his phone back to him, told him he was disgusting and didn't speak about it again for about a month.

I sat on what I had found, figuring out what to do. I knew my husband would never admit to anything, I knew he would gaslight me. I decided that whatever was going on between them was too much of a breach of my boundaries. I sent a NC text to OW and asked my husband to move out. We have been separated ever since and are in the process of divorce.

Before Christmas 2025 while he was at my house dropping the children off, my stbx husband told me that he wished we could get back together. I had sensed he was finally feeling that the end of our marriage was a loss and his feelings towards me had changed, so I listened and was empathetic but made it very clear that was not an option.
Three weeks ago he messaged asking if he could come round as there was something important he needed to discuss. He disclosed the affair.

The affair had started on Christmas Eve 2019, a lingering kiss on the cheek with both of them feeling strong chemistry. Nothing happened for a few months as OW gave birth in January 2020 but soon after the EA began and as I detailed earlier, progressed to PA later that year and continued until Christmas 2025.
Stbx husband says that throughout 2025 he was becoming disillusioned with the affair. His life after leaving me was not what he imagined, he realised that he had contributed a lot more than he first thought to the breakdown of our marriage and that his affair was destructive so he got himself in IC. This lead to his confession to me.

When I separated from my stbx in 2024 I chose not to say anything to OBS. I didn't have any proof and I knew that stbx and OW went on the offensive, painting me as crazy and delusional. They told OBS I had found messages but I was reading too much into them and I was using them as an excuse to end the marriage.
On the evening that stbx disclosed, I messaged OW and told her that she had 48 hours to tell OBS or I would. After some initial push back, including OW turning up at stbx's house while the children were there in an attempt to get her story straight, she confessed.

In the weeks since, OBS and I have worked together trying to figure out exactly what happened and when. It has been an excruciating experience. Stbx has dissociative amnesia due to childhood trauma and OW is TT and minimising like a champ. Through messages on OW's phone and stbx husband's patchy memories (I believe he is being as honest as he can be and isn't holding anything back), we have a rough timeline but because the affair went on for so long, we are still discovering things and it's creating multiple D-Days for OBS. The double betrayal because the four of us and the children were all so close is so painful to navigate.

I'm struggling a little bit because despite following my gut instinct and ending my marriage, I am still on the rollercoaster. Some days I am devastated and others I am more angry than I have ever felt before. I know I don't have to explain to you guys the strength and depth of the emotions after d-day.
I feel stbx has re-written my history, I'm grieving the end of my marriage all over again because all the healing I did from it the first time was based on a lie. So many memories over so many years when I was at home with the children or when our families were all together are now tainted because of what they were doing secretly. Part of me feels the need to make sense of it in order to move on from it but the other part of me tells me I should just forget about it because we're already separated and it doesn't/shouldn't matter. I am trying to frame this as something that happened, not something that is happening but I'm not having much success.

Writing all this out has been cathartic but I'm not sure what I'm looking for really. Perhaps someone who has also found out about an affair after separation and can relate to what I'm feeling? Some validation that even though my marriage is over and my gut instinct was right, it's ok to be this upset by it? I don't know, it's hard to pin my thoughts down these days.

Sorry it's so long and incoherent, thanks for reading if you made it this far.

Our stories are so similar with the exception being the OW quit being my friend at the advice of a mutual "friend" insistence it was the right thing to do so I would be less hurt when it comes out if our friendship had already ended. I had no idea why the "friend" had pulled away from me. I figured I offended her somehow. Neither of these women were ever my friend. Just pathetic delusional women. It’s a mindfuck for sure. Somehow, against all odds my husband and I stayed together. I think her having never been anything more than an escape for him and him having callously dropping her immediately while she cried for him helped. I don’t know. Seeing that helped me realize what the affair was and wasn’t, not that it hurt less. Anyways, just wanted to pop on and say I am sorry you have to go through this. It’s awful, but you will heal eventually. Some People do some F’ed up things to each other when they are F’ed up themselves. Hurt people often hurt people. The affair had zero to do with me or our marriage. My husband was a weak, pathetic loser with the emotional regulation ability of a young child. That was his issue and I damn sure wasn’t going to let it affect my life or self worth. Years later I still smile over the heartbreak he caused her. The delusional woman deserved it. Don’t get me wrong, I blame my husband equally , but at least he worked hard for some form of forgiveness and change. She to this day, blames him (so I am
Told) for misleading her. 🙄 And my husband never pretended to be her husband’s friend. Although, I expect her husband despises my husband the way I do his wife. (They stayed married too). And yes, I realize it sounds like I let my husband off the hook while continuing to wish peril on her. It’s not the case. They were both despicable humans. I had incentives (familial, emotional, and financial) to hope my husband changed and eventually earn forgiveness. I have no reason to ever forgive her. I live for what’s best for me.

[This message edited by OnTheOtherSideOfHell at 5:03 PM, Sunday, February 1st]

From reading your story and tone, I believe you are growing stronger and will come through this very well. Unfortunately, life scars us and that is a part we can't avoid. Of course it is ok to be upset even though you are being strong and taking decisive action. The way stbx betrayed you was particularly cruel and although your instincts and decisions are vindicating the actual fact he could betray and gaslight you that thoroughly is astounding and painful. No one would not be hurt by it. I experienced a double betrayal that was a one time thing, much, much less intense, with no gaslighting at all and it still bothers me many years later.

I admire your strength.

@ontheothersideofhell Thank you for sharing your story with me. Thinking it would hurt less if she distanced herself from you is a whole other level of delusion. I'm so glad you and your husband managed to work through things. Unfortunately, even though my stbx seems to be doing the work now and is making really amazing progress in becoming emotionally healthy and living with integrity (I'm actually quite proud of him in a weird way) it's just too late for us. Even before he confessed the affair, I couldn't have gone back. I stayed too long with a man who didn't deserve me and I will never betray myself in that way again.

@Trdd Thank you, your kindness means a lot. Most days I don't feel very strong but when I look back over the time since our separation, I guess I have been. Helping my two older children navigate this has been difficult, they are teenagers and wise enough to figure out what was going on so it's been difficult for them. They are my motivation for trying to be as calm and grown up about this as I can.

Similar story, more slimy for you (meaning the OW) because she was your friend.

I feel you well, I understand what you are going through.
The OBS deserves to know.

You need to take it out a bit, if nothing else to put your feelings into words, it will help you.
Is a hard thing to talk with the people around because is a topic people usually avoid or don't know how to address if not with platitudes.

It's important to recover emotionally, the trauma of betrayal runs deep, so here you will find support from BS (and even reformed WS) who can help you navigate and heal better and faster.

I don't know what I can say right next except that I want to cry on your behalf. What you have gone through is deeply sad and makes me so so angry on your behalf. I am so truly sorry you have gone through such a horrible experience, people have no idea of how devastating this is, and this is a double betrayal as well, husband and friend. Beyond words.

Everything about this is horrible, it's nightmare inducing. What I find the worst is how your husband completely denied your reality, he actually gaslighted you trying to make that you were crazy, because you were perceiving reality CORRECTLY. He actually wanted you to TAKE DRUGS BECAUSE HE WAS CHEATING YOU AND WANTED TO MAKE OUT THAT "YOU" WERE CRAZY. Here he is altering reality, lying as fast as he can, covering up everything, even to the point of letting you see his phone because he didn't think you'd check out the What's App.

The way he turned on you during the last years of your marriage is called devaluing and it is VERY common. In fact, I'd say it's more common than not in an active affair. The cheater feels guilty about what they're doing, if they have any moral sense at all, even minimal, and so they try as hard as they can to blame the BS and make him or her the bad guy in the marriage. It's YOUR fault - not mine!!!! It's a deflection and distraction - after all, the best defense is a good offense. Always stay on the attack and keep the BS on the back foot. It is absolutely despicable.

So his 6 year long escapade did not work out, she wants to hold on to OBS and doesn't want to come out as the soiled laundry she is and your hopefully STBX is on the outs. Plan A did NOT work out. So now he wants to come back to you as Plan B. You're not Plan B. Don't put up with a man who not only LIED TO YOU FOR 6 YEARS while he was screwing another woman - A FRIEND OF YOURS! - but also tried to convince you that YOU ARE CRAZY. Get a lawyer and file. I would not even bother with this recon bullshit. What is there to recon with - you've seen what he's like and how can you get past that. A man who lies to you, abuses you for years, tries to make you take drugs because you're "crazy" and is doing this with your friend? Keep on walking, woman, as hard as it is, a better life awaits and so do better men.

P.S. I reread your post and again, I am just stunned by how despicable his behavior has been for years, it's the word that keeps popping up in my mind. Not only towards you, which is horrible, but it sounds like the 4 of you were friends, with your children friends, so he was treating the OBS like crap too in a very despicable manner and maybe he was being gaslit by OW.....this is NOT how you treat people, it's like a deliberate on going calculate plan to undermine the people you are supposed to love and protect the most. And then....there are the children....and how does this kind of behavior and the outcome from it affect them. Not only in the future but all those years when you, and OBS were in constant doubt and stress....that factors into family life at some point. Both of them engage in truly despicable behavior and I don't think I could ever really forgive this. Maybe, probably, at some point the anger may subside but I don't know how I could ever view either of them as people I would ever want to associate with again, although you have to somewhat for the children. I would go minimal contact with him. No matter what he says now or says in the future, he lied to you strenuously for SIX YEARS and he could be doing the same thing now, how would you know. As for your own feelings....I probably would be in jail now if I went through what he and that bag put you through. So you're doing brilliantly and I'm giving you 2 thumbs and 2 big toes up! I admire you tremendously and I think as bad as it is now....in time you will realize it's the right thing, and you'll see other things about him in the past you probably tried to overlook or excuse. You have every right to all of your feelings.

[This message edited by BondJaneBond at 10:25 PM, Sunday, February 1st]

Sunflower - never doubt that you are doing the right thing. You ARE doing the right thing in pursuing divorce. If you stay with a man who treated you like this, even if at some point you grow to find some forgiveness or view him in some more positive light, as you are, you will never forget how he treated you during this period and what he is capable of. You will always wonder what ELSE he is capable of, and unfortunately we often find this out when the chips are down for us. When we come down with a sickness, someone dies, an accident, problems with a child, whatever....this can come up again because it IS part of them. Maybe they can change, maybe they can't, but you're always going to have this in the back of your mind. I know I do and what I went through was NOTHING compared to what was done to you. The uncertainty is always there, the doubts about character are always there, that cynical feeling, for me, anyway, is always there. I feel that one should look up to and respect one's mate even though we all have weaknesses, but when we see really despicable behavior....I don't think you can feel that way about them again. The shine is gone. People may stay for kids, or money, or social position, or simple inertia but....if you stay, you pay, IMO. I think it's better to clean out the wound and start over.

I don't have a lot to say because your situation is far deeper and more hurtful than mine was, but having been here for a while and seeing so many BS' struggle to make a decision I think you displayed extraordinary strength and intelligence figuring it out and not allowing yourself to be his doormat. Good for you trusting your gut and sticking to your guns.

It probably doesn't feel like it right now, but I think you're going to turn out just fine once this is in the rearview mirror. Hang in there and give yourself a pat on the back for handling this as well as you did without much guidance from places like this.

Stick around, keep posting and use us to vent to if you need it. There are a lot of good folks here who understand what you're going through right now. It feels fresh and like a new d day because for you it is. You just found out for sure not long ago. It's perfectly normal for you to be feeling this way right now. The last 6 years of your life have been a lie. I don't blame you at all.

Welcome to the club that no one wants to join.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:12 AM, Monday, February 2nd]

Sunflowergirl26, you are so much further along than most at this point. The fact that you know what way you want to go is huge! Good for you. I took months weighing the pros and cons of staying married vs divorce. It wasn’t some great love that made the decision to stay . Unlike what sounds to be your case, my husband always treated me well TO MY FACE. One would argue much better than he ever treated her. Ultimately, I wasn’t going to give up the life I loved because he was a massive dumbass. I realized the relationship would change and I was fully prepared for a marriage of convenience. It was his changes that allowed me to soften and let love back in. I wish you speed and clarity in your healing journey.

Never doubt yourself. Period.

I’m sorry for what you endured.

My H had a 4 year EA w/ a girl who pretended to be my friend. I lived through the whole denial, gaslighting situation for years as well. I’m convinced it was more than an EA but I have no proof.

There are some things you just cannot forgive. Or get past. I’m happy your STBXH has seen the light and has admitted the truth to you. The fact that he has decided he wants you back is suspect to me.

I’m convinced there are people who only want what they can’t have. And your CH may be one of them. He married you but it wasn’t enough so he cheated (for whatever reason). Now you have left him and suddenly he has the "lightbulb" moment and you are the love of his life. He will do anything to get you back b/c it’s a challenge to him. He thrives in the thrill of the chase so to speak.

I think you are doing what is best for you. Maybe one day down the road you may consider a romantic relationship with him. But for now, I don’t think you can reconcile w/ him given that he gaslight you for so many years. You endured too much pain.

Again so sorry for you.

I’m convinced there are people who only want what they can’t have. And your CH may be one of them. He married you but it wasn’t enough so he cheated (for whatever reason). Now you have left him and suddenly he has the "lightbulb" moment and you are the love of his life. He will do anything to get you back b/c it’s a challenge to him. He thrives in the thrill of the chase so to speak.

Wow, this is so astute! I never really thought about this angle before in general but now that you say it, I think this is probably true of a lot of people and situations. They want what they can't have - it's a challenge - thanks for a great insight!

Thank you everyone. Your words and kindness have meant so much, I've read them again and again. Hearing from people who 'get it' has made a lot of difference.

Let me be clear, getting back together with stbx is not an option for me. Even before he disclosed the A, his behaviour towards the end of our marriage was enough to kill any love or attraction I felt for him. One of my really clear memories is watching him pacing in our kitchen, ranting about my failings as a wife and thinking to myself that I actually didn't have to put up with this emotionally stunted man child anymore, I deserved more. My counselling is responsible for that.
I'm very glad that my suspicions were enough to make me leave and we are already in the divorce process. I can't imagine how painful it would be to go through this if we were still together and living with one another.

Because the OBS and I are still discovering stuff we are supporting each other but we have planned that when we feel we have as much of the truth as we're going to get, our 'friendship' will end and we will go NC. Then it will be a horrible chapter in my life but one I can put behind me. For now, I need to feel my feelings whatever they may be.

but now that you say it, I think this is probably true of a lot of people and situations.

Saw this with both guys & girls. Dating was just a game to them. I saw a girl I went to HS with strung along by an XBF for years. She was convinced (even though he was married) he was dumping his wife. She wasn’t delusional— he was stringing her along and telling her these lies.

I could be wrong here with SunflowerGirl26 but it does appear to fit the pattern. Now maybe he is truly remorseful and really does love his STBXW. But a 6 year affair is not something that should be taken lightly IMO. The gaslighting that occurred for years puts the CH in the hot seat here.

And now suddenly he’s wanting to get back together after YEARS of wanting a D.

I just wonder what is the STBXH’s motivation here. Why does he all of a sudden want to reconcile? Not that it’s going to happen but it just seems rather strange behavior (or maybe I just don’t trust it b/c of the length of the affair).

Some validation that even though my marriage is over and my gut instinct was right, it's ok to be this upset by it? I don't know, it's hard to pin my thoughts down these days.

You have been hit with more trauma. Finding out you were right to be suspicious, you were gaslit, your friend betrayed you too, etc. are all new traumas and pain to deal with.

The CH has had 6 years of knowing about the affair. You only had suspicions— not proof. Now that you know definitively about the affair, you have to process that hurt and pain.

It will get better. And healing yourself is a slow (but necessary) process.

Saw this with both guys & girls. Dating was just a game to them. I saw a girl I went to HS with strung along by an XBF for years. She was convinced (even though he was married) he was dumping his wife. She wasn’t delusional— he was stringing her along and telling her these lies.

In part it's human nature, we all naturally value what is hard to get. Especially in dating this is part of the "game" of seduction, is not necessarily a bad thing, is part of the thrill.

When you pull off something that you were not sure you could pull off, you get a dopamine hit, your body knows it so it gives you this "anticipatory thrill"which is exciting. Is the same mechanism that explains why you will not feel thrilled of putting butter over a slice of bread or any menial task, that does not reward you at all, while things like dating or nailing some difficult task are plenty of "feel good"chemicals.
This is perfectly natural.

It becomes an issue when someone is addicted to this, due to low self worth and validation addiction, they don't care of the outcome they only care about feeling the chemical rush of the process, because is that what it makes them feel less "shitty", it is way easier than look inside and do the work to accept them as worthy regardless of external validation.

Is a common trait among WS / OP as far as it seems.

Some validation that even though my marriage is over and my gut instinct was right, it's ok to be this upset by it? I don't know, it's hard to pin my thoughts down these days.

Sorry it's so long and incoherent, thanks for reading if you made it this far.

BEing upset is natural, the cheater sort of transfers their own low self worth onto you by the act of cheating: they manipulated, lied, deceived and replaced you and you were powerless to stop them.

In a messed up mind, that equates to "feeling superior" to you, they got the upper hand and feel more powerful than they ever been, because they have options while you are stuck and impotent. You instead had genuine commitment, emotions and love, find yourself "replaced" in the most horrifying way.

Your psyche is torn between the old feelings and the new normal, you know what it was done to you is disgusting, you know is not your fault. At the same time you can't explain why they did it to you, you feel the pain of loss (ambiguous loss, they did not die, they are here, but you still 'lost them', is a paradox for the psyche), and you feel humiliation and regret. Betrayal puts into question your pas, your present, your future.

That's setting you up for harsh cognitive dissonance, you feel upset because your life foundation have been shattered to dust, it was not an external threat is a threat that is coming from inside your own world, the one that should have been the only true safe place in your existence.
So you feel like falling as they pulled the rug from under your feet, because it is exactly what happened.

So yes you were right, and yes it is normal to feel this way. You will progress through different stages of healing, there will be grief, sadness, longing, anger, it will be a unpleasant rollercoaster because your system is trying to find the stability that was taken away from you.

It will help you to share your emotions here, because they will feel like they do not make sense, people who did not experience cheating and betrayal can't really get what you are going through, here you have a lot of unfortunate 'buddies' who went through this nightmare so they can get your emotions.

And not only betrayed partners, here you will see many reformed wayward partners who put and are putting in the work to resolve the issues that led them to betray their partners.

It will help you to get a perspective that will hasten your healing.

Always listen to your gut. If something feels off/wrong it probably is. That is the best advice I ever rec'd from a private investigator I worked for a long time ago. It was that advice that lead me to discover what my wife was doing. I believe the betrayal/lies are the worst part of an affair. My wife destroyed 27 years of trust. She was willing to gamble our relationship over some compliments/flirting/sexting with a married coworker. When I confronted her she followed the typical M.O. of a cheater: Gaslighting, minimizing. When that didn't work she switched to DARVO and then anger. During our hour long conversation I was a train wreck, she just sat there, arms crossed, shooting daggers at me w/ her eyes. No tears, no asking for forgiveness, no empathy, just anger and vitriol. At the end all I got was "I'm sorry this upsets you" and there wasn't an ounce of sympathy or genuineness to her words.

Her affair, best I can tell, was about six months (I'll never know for sure, selective amnesia on her part) and didn't involve a friend of mine. I cannot fathom what you went thru initially or what you are going thru now.

Him coming back around is typical because his affair imploded and his AP wants to stay w/ her husband. Hopefully that guy finds out everything that happened and kicks his wife to the curb. My wife's AP has had multiple affairs that are known to his wife but yet she stays. IMO she is afraid to leave him. She has a great job, seems like a very nice woman, but her undying loyalty to her scumbag husband is mind boggling. She asked to speak w/ my wife because she thought her husband was fooling around w/ someone else at the school. I told my wife IMO you owe her whatever she asks, you interfered in her marriage. My wife said that she (AP's wife) was very nice, never said a mean word, and thanked her for speaking to her.

IMO you should stay the course. Finish the divorce. Find a man who will respect a relationship w/ you. Let your husband find his path on his own. Life your best life, that is the best revenge :)