SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Almost 27 years married, 31 years together. First affair within 6 months. Last D day in August 2025, many D days earlier in 2025 from trickle truths, last affair 10 years ago when temporary separated; 4 affairs that I am aware of. PTSD now. Couples therapy failed because he didn’t want to answer my disclosure questions. I have to heal on my own again; little empathy, no communication, minimizing, blame shifting, compartmentalization, lots of acts of service/check ins, love you’s, I’m sorry’s, some remorse but it’s a power issue "you’ll take it out on me forever and forever blame me if I say more " dismissive avoidance attachment. "I’m a good person, my therapist thinks I’m a good person, Iv been good for x years" yet lied/lies about affairs the entire marriage. We fought a lot because I knew there were secrets. Trust is gone. When can you finally let go, why did I stay; is it limerence, betrayal blindness, fear of abandonment, anxious attachment, hope for change that will never happen, hoping to fix his childhood trauma, or just being a chump? How can you heal yourself from repetitive relational injuries within the relationship by yourself? Is an affair during unofficial separation when things were difficult or when being away for a few months for school okay? I say no. Divorce lawyer (and therapist) this time, trying to emotionally detach. How to deal?

Do sorry you're here and hurting. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some pinned posts at the top of the forum. I suggest reading The Tactical Primer may be very helpful for you. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information, including information on the 180, which is a way to emotionally detsch.

When you're done, you're done.

Unfortunately, cheaters are selfish. Your WH (wayward husband) I'd a serial cheater and they rarely do the work to become a safe partner.

Waiting and hoping they'll change? We call that smoking the hopium pipe. How does he treat you and is this the way you want to live for the next 20-30 years?

Why do you stay? Please look at trauma bonding, co-dependency, and the sunk cost fallacy.

Chocklick, if you're getting a divorce, then healing on your own is to be expected. That's part of the detachment process - his well-being is no longer your responsibility, and yours isn't his.

I have a similar length relationship - together 32 years, married 28 years. It is hard to let go, and as with all things, it takes practice. Step one is recognizing when you're falling into the trap of thinking about his feelings or expecting him to care about yours. Step two is then to remind yourself of the new reality. It's a loss, but it's also an opportunity: to discover who you are and what you want, and to plan a future that centers your happiness as an individual. It's strange and hard to stop thinking in "couple" terms, to stop saying "we" and instead say "I", but if you keep practicing, it will gradually feel more natural.

Thank you both for the advice, I still live with him and my kids, he is a constant trigger. Looking for apartments. Toxic bonds are hard to break. I lost myself, that was the final straw. Infidelity is emotional death.

[This message edited by Chocklick at 5:44 PM, Sunday, November 30th]

Yes, the WS is often the biggest trigger, and it's really hard when you're under the same roof and with kids. We have to keep a handle on our emotions and pretend like everything is fine for the sake of our kids, and it can be really exhausting! I'm so sorry you are going through all this during the holidays. I hope you find a place of your own, and that separating isn't too contentious. There is a lot of peace to be found once you're on your own.

Chocklick, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You've put up with so much.

You mentioned limerence in a way I've not heard it used on this forum before. Usually people wonder if their cheating spouse is suffering from limerence, which is why they can't get through to them. But you seemed to wonder if you were suffering from limerence when it came to why you've stayed. I think you are on to something.

Ironically I read an article today about limerence, and it talked about how few studies have been done about it. While limerence is understood to be a magical infatuation, it is a very intense, unhealthy and self destructive feeling towards someone else. It isn't based in any reality. When the object of your desire does not return that feeling, you just keep working harder to try and make that happen. If you just love a little harder, work a little harder, show them how perfect your love is, surely he'll come around. And no matter how clear they make it that they don't feel the same, you stay and hope.

You mentioned that you've lost yourself, but I think you are on your way to finding yourself again, just without him. You can't fix his childhood trauma, or make him change. No one can, so stop trying. Do whatever it takes to get physically away from him, because unless you do, the limerence will continue to blind you, because its not real intimacy or love, and its keeping you from finding real love for yourself.

You are a good person, and don't let him convince you that you are not. None of what he has done was ever ok.