SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dear SI friends,

I won't go into detail but confirmed my W is having an A that is ongoing.
Seems this has been going on for maybe 7-8 months.
We have two small children 5 and 9.
Over the past few months we barley talk/look at each other/touch apart from kids plans/dinner etc. We are like room mates.
When confronted she still denies and when she kind of admits it is what do you expect/how you have treated me over the years etc.
I get the usual text book cheaters lies/blame/gaslighting. Completely rewriting the marital history.
She has shown not one ounce of empathy/regret or remorse whatsoever. Very angry at me, like she hates me.
It's becoming more blatant now and feel like the A is being rubbed in my face. It’s not stopping and feels like it's ramping up.
I have known for certain of the A for nearly 3 months now.
I know I have left it far too late but I have been in shock and denial.
She is never going to admit the A and is acting completely normal to everyone else - kids, friends and both our families.
I would consider R for the sake of the family and not seeing my kids everyday but clearly this is not an option with no admission and no remorse.

If I am completely honest I am scared to file for D (she won't).
Financially we will be ok.
It's all about the children. At that age parents and family are their world, they love us both. I am not sure I can bring myself to ruin their world.
They are my everything. I could live with the fact of only seeing them only 50% of the time - we both work and share all kids responsibilities equally (drop offs/pick ups/parties/activities),
but I am worried my WW will turn them against me. She has already been spinning lies about me to her mum who is a big part of their lives.
WW said recently 'when the kids live with me, kids always stay with the mum, it's up to them not you'
My lawyer thinks I have a very good chance of 50/50 custody.
Obviously my anxiety levels are high and I can only see the negatives.
To be honest I am petrified of losing them/not seeing them everyday/not seeing them grow and them being turned against me
They are my world. Even the thought of telling them terrifies me.
This is horrendous, feel like I'm going crazy

Any advice please ??

Advice is short, sweet and probably not what you want too hear. Your marriage is dead, it can't but undead-ed... File and move on with life (a life that will include your kids). File immediately, hard hard 180 don't even tell her you filed. If you can move out move out.

Friend...please know she is not in her right mind. She is blinded right now and in a very dark space. I want to make a suggestion. If in fact you want to reconcile.... first...it will be a very long, hard road. But second, you cannot just sit back as a victim (although you are a victim of her horrible abuse). In other words, staying and being walked all over will not work AT ALL. You honestly need to blow this up altogether to wake her out of her blindness. You see....she is in the affair....and she sees you basically taking it on the chin....that is not good.

You need to dig deep and respect yourself as a man.....and even if it is not in your nature, you have to make it such....blow it up. First hire PI, get the person's name. Then inform his wife ASAP. Consider informing her family and your family. You don't have to be loud and crazy....but you have to make form decisions and blow this up. Then....you have to see if it breaks her fog. It may not....I don't know...but at least you gave it a shot to gain control of your situation.

Again, all this was under assumption you are determined to stay.

If you are not, I highly recommend you go back through the advice you have received, and follow it. This is an opportunity for you to be assertive and not be walked all over and abused. Praying for you friend.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 2:28 PM, Tuesday, April 22nd]

Agree with everything WoodThrush2 stated. I would do all this in parallel with filing to ratchet up the seriousness of the matter and if these things fail you haven't wasted time. Reconciling is not on you, you do nothing but light this thing up as mentioned, it is entirely on her you are just a half willing participant.

Hire a PI to get undeniable proof, and to find out who AP is and if AP has a partner.

Confront your wife with the proof, and get the proof to to AP’s partner, if there is one.

Blow the cheating up; see if that changes anything.

Insist she get tested, and you, too.

Then come back here; you’ll get lots of good advice.