I'm 65 and have been married for 35 years. I was sexually experienced when I met my wife, she was a virgin. Our sex life was never "great" right from the get go, but I would call it adequate. Children, work, health issues, sick parents, general life stress, teenage addiction and suicide attempts, rehab, and bad communication contributed to us having a dead bedroom for over 15 years.
I saw many therapists, (my wife didn't want to go, she said therapists just get people divorced). We were both raised as strict Catholics. I went to priests, prayed constantly, went to daily mass, said rosaries, went to confession (confessed watching porn and masturbating), asked God to help us with this issue. My prayers went unanswered. I was celibate except for watching some porn for 15 years.
My parents gave me a great childhood, I couldn't ask for better. My elderly parents went through a horrifying six year death. As an only child I had to take care of them. My mother was the sweetest and most gentle person on the earth. She suffered a horrible death. My father became a raving madman with dementia. After their passing I felt that no compassionate God would have done this to these people. I studied the Catholic church, read all of the sex abuse scandal documents and realized that I had been fed a "scam". The Catholic church is a big business, carefully organized to protect assets. The pope is the richest man in the world. History shows it had no tolerance for "disbelievers". I am now agnostic. There may be (or have been) a "Higher Power". It may have died, or simply has little interest in us. In any event my views have changed.
Health issues, life stress, advancing age, poor communication with my wife led me to the decision that I didn't want to live the rest of my life without having sex again. I began seeing escorts. After a few years, my wife found out. Great angst ensued, but we reconciled, went to an expensive retreat (run by people that had no direct experience with infidelity) and recommitted to our marriage, Covid hit and completely derailed our lives. Rape of a young adult daughter at college, suicide attempts, drunk driving, and a "shotgun marriage" of another daughter after a two month courtship again cast our marriage into chaos.
I couldn't handle the stress, decided that every moment of life is precious and should be lived to the fullest. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. I relapsed and went back to escorts.
I started to see a particular lady. For me she was a "10" in the looks department. Sex was spectacular and we got on fantastically. It became a bit more than a "transaction". I saw her exclusively for over a year. We took several trips together, had overnight and multi day visits. Many long phone calls and daily texting. (like 2500 texts in a year) When we were together I felt like I was living in a different life. My stress and problems went away. When we weren't together I was edgy, waiting for the next text or phone call, and I didn't think about her seeing other men. I fooled myself. My wife found out about this situation and divorce seemed imminent. However, our long time together, lots of discussion led us to an agreement to see if there was any chance of salvage because we both knew that the divorce would not be easy even if it was amicable.
I saw my escort twice more after discovery. I wasn't completely convinced that I would stay married. The last time I saw her I laid in bed with her, looking at the ceiling and I had a horrible feeling that I was somewhere I didn't want to be and shouldn't be. I told her I could no longer see her, that only a fulfilling monagamous relationship would bring me happiness.
My wife and I are seeing a sex therapist. We have learned that our strict religious upbringing was a major contributor (probably the biggest, especially for me) to our poor sex life. I probably have some version of Madonna/Whore complex.
I had a grade school basketball coach that would walk home with me because we went the same way. He rubbed me in the crotch on several occasions and tried to get me to go to a laundramat bathroom so he could "help me out". I never went. There was a priest in High School that would invite me to his quarters and con me into undressing in front of him. (I don't remember anything else happening)
We are trying to start a "new, better, marriage". We need to talk candidly about sex, about our needs and desires. It is difficult, my wife still rages at me from time to time, but I am remorseful, and really want to make this right with her for our remaining time.
Here's my problem. I can't get the other girl out of my head. No matter what I really want to do, no matter how logically or practically I think, I can't get her out. I sat/thought/wrote down a list of "what is good", "what is not good" about her. The "good list" had four lines, the "bad list" two full sheets of legal paper.
I read constantly about how to get rid of "affair partners" (that's really what this was, a very expensive affair). No matter what, I keep coming back to thoughts of her, of the "different life". I know its a mirage, it will never happen, and if it did, it would be a train wreck. I'm hoping that by writing this, sharing it, I can get more clarity. My wife is 90 percent of what I consider perfect. If we can break through this "sex communication barrier" we have, we can make it.
But I need to get this woman out of my head. Its only been three months, I haven't spoken to her. Maybe time and a better relationship with my wife will dull this.
I hope we make it through this. We are dealing with therapists that have survived infidelity themselves this time so, I think we have a better chance.
Thanks for listening / reading. Any positive help will be appreciated,
