SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post and my story is a complicated one, but I need advice from people who have been through similar situations

I have been with my partner for 20 years (10 married and 2 kids). A little after our 1st year together, I went out with a guy I felt in love with before I had met my boyfriend, thinking that I was going out with a friend (I used to chat with that guy as he was studying abroad, but I cut ties with him when I met my boyfriend). During the catching up phase of our outing, I told him I had a boyfriend to which he responded in a way that made me feel uncomfortable (he said he wished he had been my first), but I just scoffed it off and continued the conversation because I didn't know how to react (I was 21 years old, very shy, major people pleaser and quite stupid). When it was time to say goodbye, he grabbed and kissed me. Unfortunately, I did reciprocate for a few seconds, but then pulled back reminding both him and myself that I had a boyfriend. He apologized, we parted ways and ghosted each other.

I told my boyfriend what had happened, he was not pleased but appreciated the honesty, so we stayed together. Naturally, that caused some turmoil in our relationship as well as trust issues, but I was too immature and self-centered to see it for what it was and make the appropriate things to fix it. About a year later, that same guy reappeared in my life when he called me under some stupid pretense. Instead of cutting him off or blocking him, I started talking with him on the phone and texting, letting him back in my life, in our lives, although I didn't tell my boyfriend that, thinking that "it's just friendly talks/chats, I don't intend to do anything with the guy, I love my boyfriend", and that to my book was ok. 18 years later and after therapy and a lot of self introspect, I've come to realize I was basically after the validation I was getting from the guy.

During the same time, I started writing in an online forum answering mainly under "fun" relationship posts, only the protagonist in my answers was the other guy, not my boyfriend. A few months later, that same guy asked me to go out with him for a drink and after my failed attempts to say no, that night ended in me being sexually assaulted by him, which I didn't process as such at the time since when he came at me I froze, so I didn't say no and I didn't fight. That made me believe that since I got myself into that situation and I didn't resist, deep inside I must have wanted it, which made me spiral into depression because of all the shame and guilt as I didn't have the guts to tell my boyfriend out of fear of losing him.

Eventually, I broke up with my boyfriend. During that time, he found the forum I was writing to and my posts and he confronted me about it. After our break up I started going out with every person I could think of as long as I wasn't left alone with my thoughts (extreme opposite of my character) but he worst thing of all is I went out with that guy, as well, for about 8 more times. Me and my boyfriend got back together after about 3 months and we have been together ever since. Although I hadn't told him the truth, his gut instinct told him there was something wrong and after many long talks, I gave him only half the truth as I didn't tell him I had cheated on him. He kept asking and I kept denying, avoiding myself, the truth and taking accountability, so much so that after about 3 years, I had accepted my half truth as my own reality and managed to completely suppress anything that differed from what I had told him. In the meantime, we moved in together and eventually started a family and got married.

After a traumatic event about a year ago, which was my fault (unrelated to infidelity) while I was severely depressed (albeit undiagnosed), the open wound from my past cheating resurfaced and my husband insisted we addressed it once and for all and that's when we realized I had forgotten many things (first and foremost the sexual assault, but also things I had told him had happened or even things that had happened between us) from that time period. Remembering was a very tedious procedure and to this day, there are some details still missing although we have almost completed the "puzzle" of what had happened back then and the relevant timeline.

I have accepted full responsibility for my devastating choices and I know I acted utterly selfish thinking only about myself and not him, causing him extreme distress and traumatizing him. I have been working very hard on myself and to figure out why any of this happened as well as give him the answers that are very long overdue. I have read in other posts here that by working on yourselves you managed to be able to help your partners heal as well from your infidelity and I so desperately want to do the same. I want to finally give him what I should have given him 18 years ago. The truth about what happened and then help him heal from it in any way I can, whether he chooses to remain in this relationship or not. How did you do it? How did you manage to help your partners heal from the devastating heartbreak you caused them? How did you manage to regain their trust and build your marriage anew, from scratch? Any insight/advice would be very much appreciated.

[This message edited by Mage at 9:50 PM, Thursday, September 5th]

Hi-

Working on yourself will never be wasted.

Your situation is a little different in the these things happened when you were young. Our frontal lobes rent even developed until you re 25. It’s not an excuse by any means for what happened, as I am sure you agree that you were old enough to know better.

However, what I do mean by it is a lot of time has passed. Some of the things that led to it maybe resolved and hard to figure out in retrospect.

I generally think the goal is to figure out why you did what you did and work on those whys. They should all be internal to you. (Meaning no blaming on anyone else).

I think most ws feel entitled to do what they want for some reason. For me, it was built up unrecognized resentments. I had to unravel why I didn’t look after my own happiness, because then I wouldn’t have had resentment. A lot of it was based on flawed thinking.

You have to learn to love yourself and make yourself happy, because often we are looking for that when we choose to have an affair. If we can provide it for ourselves, it’s no longer a need. And if we don’t love ourselves then often we do not feel worthy of the love of others. This leads to a void that we are looking to fill.

Those are examples, maybe not specific answers that apply to you.

And to build trust, be transparent, honest, and consistent. Over time you will have a new track record both for yourself and for him.

All relationships flow from our relationship with ourselves. So if you can be confident and trust yourself you will demonstrate that to him.

I also like to do something each day to make my husbands life better. Whether it’s cool him a nice meal, take a chore off his plate, or simply initiate physical intimacy (doesn’t always mean sex a maybe a back rub, cuddling, taking his hand when we are walking) Put forth effort in showing he is important to you and that you care. And not in a Transactional way, meaning not to get something in return.

Becoming self aware means being mindful and intentional, thinking about why you do things. I also think peeing the effort towards connection. I learned a lot about that through the book called "rising strong" by brene brown.

Hello and welcome.

You will hear and read a lot about finding the "whys" here. They are crucial to helping you become a safe, healthy person and partner. Healing yourself is impossible until you can honestly realize why you felt cheating was the appropriate response to relationship difficulties.

If you aren't seeing a therapist, I highly recommend at least exploring. A good one with experience in infidelity who will hold your feet to the fire and not let you rugsweep is ideal. I will be with my therapist 6 years this November. He's brought me a long way and I see him once per month to check in, but can always schedule an emergency appointment if needed.

It's good to see that you've already been reading a lot here. I don't post much myself, but I'm a daily reader. There's a lot of wisdom to be gleaned. And hikingout is one of the best posters here. She brings wise perspective from both sides.

I have read in other posts here that by working on yourselves you managed to be able to help your partners heal as well from your infidelity and I so desperately want to do the same. I want to finally give him what I should have given him 18 years ago. The truth about what happened and then help him heal from it in any way I can, whether he chooses to remain in this relationship or not. How did you do it? How did you manage to help your partners heal from the devastating heartbreak you caused them? How did you manage to regain their trust and build your marriage anew, from scratch? Any insight/advice would be very much appreciated.

The most fundamental, crucial, and central piece of advice I can give you is to commit completely to TRUTH. Not because he deserves it (he does), not because you want to be a good person (tho that's not a bad thing) but because TRUTH is what will heal YOU. Do you really believe and understand that? If you are hiding, ashamed, terrified and you skirt parts of the truth, there will be unhealed places in you. And the domino effect from that will be harm to your husband and your marriage.

Wake up in the morning praying for truth and committing to truth. Find tiny places in your life where you avoid the truth. Keep a journal of truths that you come to understand. Pursue the truth with everything you have. WELCOME when other people give you truth, even if it makes you ashamed for a bit (you can learn to deal with shame, that's another important process), even if it is scary (you can learn to deal with fear, that's another process). If you were in front of me I would shake your shoulders and then hug you to drive home the point. TRUTH.

There will be mercy where there is truth. It feels incredible. You have to do the scary thing and face the truth before the mercy comes.

***

that night ended in me being sexually assaulted by him, which I didn't process as such at the time since when he came at me I froze, so I didn't say no and I didn't fight.

I am so sorry this happened to you. No person should be forced to participate in sexual acts that they don't want to participate in. No person should feel that they have a right to sex with someone else. This has also happened to me and it took me a very long time to sort my thoughts out about it.

I was raped. Yes, I showed up to the situation, yes, I was drinking, and yes, I wanted something from the situation. It was still rape. Treat yourself as the victim of rape. Affirm in your mind that you are a victim of rape.

AND

I wanted SOMETHING destructive from the situation. Maybe not sex. But something. So I needed to take responsibility for owning my destructive desire, for looking past wisdom in this situation - I had plenty of wisdom in other situations and I would have told a girlfriend not to do what I was doing. So I knew better. I needed to take responsibility for figuring out why I ignored wisdom and for engaging in destructive behavior.

It's not an either-or. It's an "and." Treat yourself as a victim AND as responsible. It's a paradox. The beauty of paradoxes is that if you can tolerate not being binary, the resolution of the paradox is often more wonderful that you can possible predict or imagine with a binary brain.

*****

Take care of yourself, Mage. You are in a crisis. This is one of the few times and ways that humans are able to make change. We don't usually change so well in the absence of crisis. I know it's hard to be grateful for this moment in your life. Try to make something beautiful of it, make real change, rather than hurrying through it to get it over with.

[This message edited by Pippin at 5:38 PM, Friday, September 6th]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and give me some very wise and thoughtful answers.

As far as personal experience goes, did you manage to reconcile with your partners? And if so, what do you think helped them heal?

Besides regaining trust, which of course is a slow and tedious process and requires commitment and consistency, were there things you did that helped heal your partners' broken hearts?

The infidelity might have happened 18 years ago, but up until last year he only knew about the emotional cheating, not the physical one, along with many other details, so it is only natural that he feels as if it happened yesterday and that our whole life together was a lie. As a result, he doesn't know what I could do to help him heal from this immense pain, his whole life has crumbled down.

I have and still am reading books about helping him heal from my infidelity and the lies, but they usually lack personal experience and are kind of like textbook advice, some of which works and some of which doesn't, so I am willing to try anything.

[This message edited by Mage at 2:46 PM, Monday, September 9th]

Hi Mage, Have you read the pinned post at the topic of the wayward forum called "Things Every WS Needs To Know?" That will go a long way toward helping you understand the range of BS perspectives - both the initial post and the responses that follow. You might print it out and ask him to look it over to see what resonates, and be open and nondefensive when he responds.It might also help to read the threads in the forum "I Can Relate" called "For Those Who Found Out Years Later." All of these will give you insight into what your husband maybe be experiencing.

For a new wayward, it's like drinking from a fire hose. There's just so much to absorb and take in. Being truthful, learning to face shame, being present for him and non-defensive, finding ways to feel hopeful while at the same time understanding the depth of what has happened. Etc etc.

I have two more pieces of advice. First, bring up the topic frequently. Second, his emotions might take hairpin turns. First he needs you desperately, then you disgust him, etc. Even if he has seemed steady for a long time, you are opening up permission for him to have emotions he has had to bury. Try to make it as safe as possible for him to have these emotions.

As far as personal experience goes, did you manage to reconcile with your partners? And if so, what do you think helped them heal?

To answer your questions, yes, we are reconciled. What helped him to heal is that I have had transparency with my own process and how I think about and understand myself, and at the end of a tremendous amount of introspection AND different behavior based on that introspection (including transparency on f-ups), he believes that I love him, I want him, I don't want any other man in any other way, he is more sexually exciting than any other man I have been with, that my infidelity was based on problems both individual and marital that are resolved, and (for him this was important but maybe not for all BH) he was instrumental in helping me. None of that would mean anything, of course, if he didn't also love me and want me. And he does. So we are reconciled, and he tells me frequently that he is happier than at any point in his life, happier than he ever thought he could be. And so am I.

So there's hope. It is infinitely harder than I ever could have imagined. Don't shortcut the hard parts, they are directly what lead to the good parts. (there's advice #3, free bonus . Four if you count the previous diatribe on truthfulness)

Thank you for your insight Pippin.

The truth is, before you even replied to my post I did read the "Things Every WS Needs To Know" post and thought it was a good idea to print it out and ask my BS to highlight whatever he felt like resonated to him.

Unfortunately, me doing that hurt him even more because when he read it, it intensified the pain and the hurt that these are all things I should have done in 2006 when we got back together and the fact that I didn't tears him apart.

I am glad that you managed to reconcile, there is nothing I wish more for me and my BS, but besides the emotional and physical cheating, our relationship has been strained by many things.

A few months ago I was diagnosed with Avpd (Avoidant personality disorder) and ADHD and my BS with IED (Intermittent explosive disorder). We are both doing the work now that we have these diagnosis, but there was also an abortion that happened last year, while I was severely depressed, and that is what brought the open wound of 18 years ago to the surface and we decided to clean it up.

[This message edited by Mage at 12:04 PM, Tuesday, September 10th]

It's going to take a lot of hard, painful work by both of you. The relationship may not survive. That was the hardest thing that I had to accept and I didn't accept it right away. It took me about 2 years in IC to get to a place where I was able to. Knowing that my BW could pull the plug at any time, even while I'm doing the work, seemed horribly unfair, but then I would immediately remember that I'm the one who burnt our marriage to the ground in the first place.

We're now in year 6 of R. Communication is light years better than it was. We still have some codependency issues to work on, but those are minor compared to where we were. And if my wife decided to throw in the towel tomorrow, I have the proper, healthy tools to accept and deal with it.

Working on yourself will never be wasted.

I should have this tattooed on both wrists and framed on the wall. Personally, I would only add "no matter the outcome" to it.

Hi, Mage. Welcome to SI.

I'm not on as often as I used to be because I'm six years out from D-Day 2, but I'm our resident "second confession years later" wayward. My affair was in 1989. As soon as I ended it, I came clean about sleeping with the OM, but what I didn't admit was the full nature of the affair. I tried to paint a picture of something that happened in isolation, when in fact, I was deeply involved in an emotional and sexual relationship with OM for several months (my BF, who is now my BH, and I were in a long distance relationship at the time). I clung to my voluntary confession as a way of having "told the truth" despite this gross mischaracterization. I also refused to cut contact with the OM, saying we could just be friends. Because I didn't do anything physical/romantic with him after D-Day, I told myself that I was being fair to both men, when in fact I was feeding on the validation. My future husband should have walked out when I did that; instead, knowing that OM was waiting to swoop in if we broke up, he played the pick-me dance. After about a year, I agreed to go fully NC with OM, and we rugswept for almost 30 years.

In 2018, my BH was processing some unrelated traumas, and that triggered memories of the last time he was so deeply stressed and insecure. He had always felt like my story didn't add up, so he asked for some clarity and reassurance to quiet his imagination. My terror and evasiveness clued him in that he was on to something much worse than he had ever dreamed. In my panic, I was actually stupider and more cowardly at age 49 than I had been at age 20. When I originally confessed to having sex with OM, I was prepared to be dumped. After 28 years of marriage and five kids, three of whom were teenagers living at home, I was desperate to avoid a divorce. I trickle truthed relentlessly, beginning with lies to myself that I was hiding minor details that would add nothing but pain. Of course, I also guarded those "minor details" like a bank vault, because deep down, I knew that they would entirely change his understanding of the affair.

The advice you've received is spot on. The only tools you have to make amends are honesty, courage, and patience. It's possible those won't be enough. Unfortunately, it's essential to acknowledge that by putting the power entirely in your BH's hands. He gets to make the calls about what he wants to know and how to process it.

I have seen marriages fall apart because of the lies. I've also seen them fall apart because the WS realizes that attempting reconciliation is not healthy for anyone. It's ok to decide that. A few times -- not many, but more than once -- I have advised waywards to tell their spouse, "Our marriage is permanently broken. It's my fault, and I take responsibility for it. Neither of us can heal in the dynamic I've created, and it's toxic to continue this way." Both partners, BS and WS, have to prepare themselves for the possibility. If you believe you can't leave no matter what, you won't be able to muster the courage to get out of infidelity.

My story is more complicated than this summary, and you can find more details in my post history, which at one time was quite prolific. You may also want to search for past posts by Flawed, whose story aligns even more closely with yours than mine does. Her BH was user CantBeMe123, and he wrote briefly but intensely from the BH viewpoint. Like my husband and I, they eventually reconciled.

I hope it's ok to close with a brief threadjack: Pippin, it's great to see you and to hear that you and Shadowfax are doing so well.